Brain farts before the year (2010) ends...

Just some random thoughts just because i love publishing/publicizing them.

1. Kamusta ang pasko mo?
Me: malamig. (literally and figuratively) go figure!

2. Me: gusto ko dito ikasal
Mama: maghanap ka nga muna ng groom!
>>> i almost always tend to forget that tricky but important bit. Hehehe

3. Thank God for true friends who look out for you and only want what's best for you.  No pity allowed.

4. Maybe you should know i exist and not just in cyberspace or any alternate reality. This is where I should and have every right to be.

5. Paraphrased: itapon na ang slr mas mabilis mag-edit and upload pag phone. (i am loving my phone obviously).


6. for the nth time, Me: Nahihilo na ako!, "Manong", ganito si E--e nun dati...

7. navigate to the files where the xx files are like starbucks. (i think i was thinking of stored/backed up)

To be continued...

hello santa

people are putting up their wishlists, i'll put up mine too just because...
-i found something i like
-i wanna join the bandwagon
-maybe somewhere someday...

*in no particular order:
1. The 10 Best Of Everything, 2nd Edition

2. Journeys of A Lifetime

3. Great Migrations Book and DVD Set

4. SNOW globes especially from the ones I got to visit already for a start (because I want to start a collection of snow globes). Ex. NASA KSC, Magic Kingdom, Sea World San Antonio, Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, Singapore, HK, KL, Bangkok, Phuket, etc

5. stitch or aliens (toy story) stuffed toy :)

6. matroyshka dolls - I don't have any yet but I sure want to have one and then hopefully start a collection as well.

7. LUMIX

8. new lens: UWA 10-22mm, 24-70mm f/2.8L

9. rash guard

10. travel to Batanes, Dakak, Japan... etc.
11. travel buddy... you get the idea..

Gold!

here's an online shout-out to my mom who'll be celebrating her golden year tomorrow. This is more for everyone else's benefit as she's technophobic. No need for much words as they should be there in the card I'll give her tom.

gotta love shoes

Warning: Definitely a very low-EQ-moment-kind-of-post.

so today, i finally ended up buying not one but two pairs at payless (Greenhills Branch).

of course, wedges!

The second pair was totally unplanned because it was not the style I've been wanting to get...

can't find in the website anymore must be an old stock

I think it does look nice but if you know me this is really a departure from my usual. My siblings and I agree that it looks nice (not to mention cheap) and sexy but we are just not sure what I would wear it with. My sister was probably thinking more along the lines of something she can borrow as this would definitely be more of her style. But after learning from experience that if you find something that you like, don't go home to think about it when you know you'll eventually want to get it or else you might regret it.
I've been to a payless outlet (the one in Megamall) probably two or three times before this but in all cases, I ended up not snagging anything. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a skeptic. I mean during my short stay in the US, I didn't find myself drawn to this shop in any of the outlet stores. Yes, I would find myself entering it all in the name of soaking in that outlet store shopping experience but more often than not I didn't find myself that interested. I guess it was not until I had two other officemates buying from this store that finally encouraged(self-inflicted influence I guess) me to get one from here. I was thinking of sticking with Charles and Keith and the likes (or waiting for other brands to go on sale like Stella Luna or Zara or Melissa or Sueno de Espadrilles maybe).  Anyhow, until now I can't take the image off my mind though and how good one particular pair looked on my feet when I tried it on Megamall. I wish there's still a stock somewhere because I really want to get myself a pair of pumps:

I believe I have pretty wide feet but when I tried these on I thought it had some sort of slimming effect. Seriously, I really can't take my mind off of them. This led me to browse the online website of payless and left me drooling for one or two more:

love the detail!

 This one I'd say if it were to be available here in the Philippines would probably go around 2500-3000. Maybe not that cheap as with the others but if you think of it as a substitute for the VW Lady Dragon or probably a Stella Luna heel, then this is definitely a steal. So after the black rosette above, I'd definitely want to get myself one of these! (how I wish, money was not an issue but then again if it was not I'd probably not want this as a substitute but as an additional pair, you think?)

pink!

 Pink is not exactly my favorite but again the combination makes this a little less boring and common.

red rosette

I think I also want to get myself a pair of red heels (pumps if you may) and this red rosette I think will look as nice as the black one.

Amidst all these, at the back of my head I am still pondering on that wedge from VNC with the quite stripes detail and the low-heeled pumps from Grendha (not to mention black flats from I don't know where yet). The VNC I came close to buying but part of me was still being stingy and practical I was able to restrain myself knowing how (dirt) cheap pairs can go in Malaysia.

I think I need more closet space if and when I get the money. Either that or I should stop with the drooling and tell myself I'm good for this year. :D

Fireproof

anybody who wants a different/special kind of mush should watch Fireproof... it's the deep kind which I pray one day I'll have too.

I said it before, I'll say it again, I hope and pray one day I get to dedicate/sing this song to someone:


Bless the Broken Road -Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

wrong lane...

today marks the fourth time i got caught in the streets of Metro. Sure I drove in Florida and Texas but I was very careful and conscious especially with the speed limits and all... (but I so wanted to maximize those freeways and our rentals haha). I had a few overspeeding jaunts and beating the red light here and there but not intentionally. It's usually when the "kaskasera" in me and Manila-traffic mindset kicks in.

It's no fun to get caught but I guess you can say that again I am caught red-handed although I would like to argue that my first two offenses were somewhat questionable. The first time was when I was barely driving by myself after I turned eighteen along EDSA. I was going to take a right to head to Quezon Ave and being a careful, slow driver afraid of buses I slowly eased myself  to the outer lanes as soon as the MRT overpass was above us. Little did I know that there was a dotted line not a few meters after I made the switch. Of course, there was someone waiting there to apprehend me for being in the yellow lane. Young, nervous and everything I later found myself crying... The officer took pity on me and let me off the hook. I was not doing it on purpose really.

I can't really plead innocence about the crying part to escape punishment the second time around. This time I was taking a right again from Quezon City Circle into I think that was west Ave (wherever the golf course and trinoma is)... I think I tried to speed away but unfortunately for me they had a bike and accused me of "swerving" . I think at the back of my mind I was pissed and not willing to get caught at the same time so I tried the same formula. This was still when I was in 3rd year college. I can still remember it was around December because Cha and I were going to buy sandals for our maskipaps costume... Wow that's two in one year! :D

Come 2005, I drove the car without a plate as per my parent's consent. I can't remember why we didn't have one yet but they just told me that it was ok. Again I was along Q. Ave when I got caught. I felt awful lying I ended up bribing them with not 1, or 2 but 500!!!

Today, I hated what i had to do yet again. I didn't turn right and eventually caused traffic. However, I was waiting for the officer to explain to me in full detail what is going to happen. I was kind of up for the seminar since I work nights anyway. And besides, Pasig is not that far so I figured it won't be too much of a hassle and I just have to bear with it. But then, the officer scrapped the seminar (he tried threatening me that it's supposed to be for three days) and went on to say that I'll just have to pay a fine. He was obviously taking his time to wait when I would say the magic words but I didn't budge just yet... and then he told me that the fine is supposedly 500. You have got to be kidding me... I guess I'm just plain ignorant here and didn't know a lot of things. But heck I have not been in any major accidents (thank God) and this is the first time in 5 years... Oh well, I so hated what I ended up doing but I did it anyway. All the while, I was like Plato trying to wash my hands of the crime I was committing... *sigh oh well I hope I don't have to resort to something like that again. It feels awful knowing that you're actually contributing to shady deals this government have become known for and struggling to deal with... there goes 100...

amazing race

(The Amazing Race 15 Episode 7 Part 3)
and here i thought i was watching the latest season of the amazing race on AXN. apparently not! and i've already missed a lot of the seasons... in any case, i can still remember the first time they aired the first challenge above. It was really tough and kind of memorable among the tasks that they had prepared for the racers.

I think my dad and I would make an interesting pair if we were to join. We tend to get on each other's nerves easily and most likely end up arguing and bickering all throughout. Add to that the fact that we're both stubborn. He may be athletic but we're like both clumsy and walking twisters/accidents-waiting-to-happen. I'm also quite lame and all that... Not exactly the strongest but if that could get me to experience "racing" in other places then that would definitely be quite an experience...

For now I'll just settle with watching back episodes. Wonder when I'll get to travel again. Someday soon i hope!

blog revival

I haven't quite yet figured what I want to do with this blog. I probably just blog anything I feel like blogging. It seems that twitter renewed my interest in this as sometimes it seems no longer enough. Also, one good thing about it is that it opened my eyes to the possibilities of posting anything under the sun.... You see, I tended to limit myself to blogging when I'm feeling all dramatic. Hopefully I get to change that... Think so far, that's what I've been doing. I do want to be able to blog something with substance once in a while lest I become labelled as too darn shallow.

Here's to a whole new blogging experience! :)

online window shopping

you can say i am definitely hooked. while it doesn't come close to the real deal and getting to see the merchandise up close, it has its perks.

to date, I have only 3 online purchases to boot.
1. slik tripod from B&H photo and video
2. dkny watch from amazon

3. galeries from ebay

picture from seller

I can't give my verdict yet whether or not the gamble i took when i "splurged" online for items 2 and 3 are worth it since I had it delivered to a friend who's on assignment in the US. I won't be seeing them until she gets back hopefully this November. I have my fingers crossed that they are all good though. I can't wait to see them (and use them)! I am not too worried about the amazon purchase since a lot of the people I know in my circle have tried its service and so far been happy with all their purchases. But for ebay, you could say I am still a skeptic. I hope my judgement was spot on with the item and seller to make my first ebay experience a good one and not scarring!

here's the thing though, I think I'm having issues from stopping. Well at least from online window shopping. You could also say that I am wondering or tempted to buy some "finds" which I think I can eventually sell here. I am playing with the idea of trying my hand at selling stuff but I am not too sure whether or not I can do it. Maybe I should just go for it but right now the price isn't right for me to just risk it. Sure, I should start small but then again  the opportunity that's right before me is different. Dunno if I should grab it or not or maybe rethink that it might not be an opportunity after all! What do you think?

emo saturday

this much i will admit...

i miss those days when you made me feel loved... the way you made me think and feel i was loved... that kind of love... even if a fool in love...

almost a year since the realization and turbulence.

it was good while it lasted. :)

why did i have to see this?

 ok another low EQ moment... just when I was happy and contented with my galeries purchase (btw congratulate me, I managed to resist the urge to get the beige one as well!!!), I saw this on sale at kate spade:

Darn they are cute! Maybe just maybe if I saw these first I would have gotten them(either because I can only wish I could get both) instead of the galeries la fayette. Ladies, if you are looking to get the galeries as your first LC, you might want to check them out first. I'd say these are strong contenders don't you think?

**If I saw a coupon lying somewhere I'd probably get the black one as a "gift" for my mom for her 50th birthday... then I can borrow from her... hmmmm... nah! too selfish! I'm probably better off giving her cash and letting her shop for herself.

surprise blessing

I am not trying to justify my most recent purchase (aside from the LC bag) but I got a surprise blessing that just gave me that boost to just go for it. Introducing my first IPOD Shuffle:

but yes, I've been thinking about it for some time now... initially because ipod touch was too bulky for jogging.  When that broke, my old ipod classic is just too darn old and that iphone4 is still up in the air. Finally, something to plug in when I'm feeling anti-social. No need to hide in the laboratory or something. Again, thanks bossings, thank you Lord it was a welcome-very much appreciated-surprise-blessing!

and then my in-earphone broke! haha just have to do with the free earphone and the sony headphone... but in-earphone, why now???

define valet

search online and one of the definitions you'll run into is this:
"Parking arrangements provided by a commercial establishment, such as a restaurant, whereby patrons leave their cars at the entrance and attendants park and retrieve them."


bottomline it is an extra service for added convenience to avoid the hassles of having to find your own parking space in a commercial area. Apparently, our idea is different than those in MOA. If you tell someone who had to put up with a 2hour traffic, rounded up the place twice already to look for a parking space and is running late for an event that they can try another "valet area" since the one you queued up for is already full, you're pretty sure to get somebody pissed off. This is especially if that someone came across an empty parking lot reserved for valet parking and the guard at the area referred you to the exact place telling you that it's already full. Don't even try to argue that if the two valet areas are not separate how would you know where your car is parked. That's BS! When you're availing the service you don't care where it's parked! You leave your keys, they park it for you and when you're ready to leave, you pay the bill and they get it for you!

Also if somebody is already irritated with the "complicated" system that deviates from the normal or generally accepted idea asks a question make sure to get back at them when you can't give them an answer right away. Don't leave them hanging!

Make sure to put up signs to indicate where the line is and if it is full so people are not misled.

Follow these and you don't have to deal with angry people with raised voices requesting as a last resort to file a complaint.

That was exactly what happened to us at MOA for the John Mayer concert. I am still frustrated with how they do things but feel sorry for those who had to take the beating from us. They were kind enough to put up with us and it's sad that should we have filed a complaint they are most likely the ones to suffer consequences when in fact it is the system that we are complaining about. I sure hope they simplify things and put more order into it. My brother thinks the organizers of the concert are partly to blame as well.

10.10.10

so while others decided to make 10.10.10 all the more memorable by marrying their special someone or participating in civic-related activities, my brother and I decided to participate in HSBC's promo.

to kick off my day, I finally jogged again with my sister at the UP Acad Oval. I just love jogging there especially on Sundays when all four lanes are open for joggers and bikers. We didn't last though so after a little over an hour we found ourselves in Mcdo frontera verde eating breakfast. ZCM was about to get another car wash at Big Bert's since we were already in the area after trying to convince my sister. But the queue was long and I couldn't get my sister to wait any longer so we left and headed home anyway. On one hand, I was also anxious to find out whether or not I won my first ever Ebay bid. Whether or not it was a successful transaction remains to be seen when my friend gets the item on my behalf...  This venture deserves another entry altogether. Obviously, at this point, I've already forgotten the HSBC promo I was looking forward to if not for a text from a friend. When I tuned in, it was already too late as apparently it was only for an hour and it already takes around 10 minutes just to get to the main roads from where we're at. But the catch amongst all these is that one of the participating stations was at J. Vargas! It's just about 500 meters or less from where Big Bert's is! If I had gotten the car wash, I would have probably been able to gas up at Caltex for just 10/liter. never mind that I almost never gas up at Caltex and I have consumed more or less just 15 liters (max is 30 liters). It's a pity but not one of those things you'd feel too bad for a long time.

flashback the night before, my brother's GRP fuel indicator is flashing. He doesn't have much cash so he'll just gas up with what he can spare, 100. I chipped in an extra 100 but of course it didn't do much. What am I getting at here? Well, obviously my brother who is still a student doesn't have much cash to spare to allow him to get a full tank considering that his card has expired and he's yet to receive its replacement.

When he wakes up and finds out how true the promo is, he figures he needs it. I was not feeling well enough even to drive a stick so I just went along with him to lend him my card. thanks to twitter we got a tip on one of the sites. It seems many people still underestimate the power of twitter but heck, it's real time and word sure spreads fast! Actually, I think we were also just darn resourceful because there was just only three tweets that said something about the station being a potential promo site. I think we got there an hour before it was set to kick off and boy it was craazy out there. I kind of feel for the organizers who had to deal with the added pressure of the news leakage. It was fun though. We didn't get into too much trouble for nothing and though we had to wait for almost two hours, GRP got its taste of a full tank. 39 liters of Caltex Gold for just 700+. And since its caltex and HSBC you still get a rebate. Cool huh? even though I am not the one who benefited from the cheap gasoline, I am having second thoughts at giving up my HSBC. Those kinds of promos make you think twice.

Now I wonder, what's in store for citibank cardholders? I am not one yet but it seems like it's a race for enticing promos and freebies among the different credit card companies. I am pretty sure it was an effective campaign for HSBC considering the stations they chose are "strategic" areas if you consider the demographics and it's probably a matter of time when one of the other credit card companies launches their own gimmick. I hope BPI comes up with a good one though. But as much as I hate to say it although I am not liking the "perks" from BPI so far, I would probably stick with them though... if they grant my application once  I decide to get a skymiles card...

playing dress up...

like i said, I like dressing up... if only I have the money, sense+style, courage and reason to... nevertheless, here's one of those rare moments I felt brave enough to wear a dress...

simple but boy it felt good. I guess a little confidence goes a long way because I thought I carried it pretty well. Never mind though the way I smiled on the bottom left. By the way, my curls suit me don't you think? although it's starting to look limp and straight...

can't get enough of...

first was the le pliage... now shoes!

let's start with the le pliage, first it was just mere curiosity until it gradually became an addiction. I would spend so many hours hopping from one site to another looking, liking, disliking the price etc. Since, I didn't really get myself anything yet for my birthday, I figured I might as well get myself one. And then I spent more hours looking for the  size, color and price combination that suits me fine... I did manage to find a reasonable one but I'm still waiting if that risk I took will pay off... *fingers crossed* hopefully they're not frauds

now, after having scored that stella luna heels at just 2k, I want more!!! especially the pumps with a satin bow... but darn, they are way out of my budget (as it is I'm already over budget) or price I'd like to spend on a pair of sandals/shoes. BUT heck I can't stop thinking about them. All of a sudden I remembered the Charles and Keith pumps/slingbacks I have that are waiting to be replaced. You suddenly find yourself justifying and finding reasons to want (or more like have) to buy more. This is even after I've told myself I would not buy any more. For someone like me, (I don't claim to be up there just right in the middle), I think I've already purchased more than what is necessary for this year. Now, I also want a melissa lady dragon and an espadrilles (suenodespadrilles). I ran into espadrilles at Greenbelt 5 and was ready to get myself one until I saw the price. (I was in a way wanting to get myself one) It was 4k more than what I was willing to spend. Goodness! Why am I running into these brands? I should stick with the old ones so I don't get wide-eyed and drool like this! Maybe, other brands have similar styles and I should probably get it from there. But the lady dragon and stella luna... tsk! guess I'll have to keep on dreaming (and maybe praying that they'd have some sort of price drop or something)... but it's looking like the target is to get myself a slingback, pump and an espadrilles-ish like wedge by the end of the year most likely from another (cheaper) brand... good luck to me! hahaha

arigatou subarashiki sekai!

what makes a birthday memorable and happy?

a fancy celebration?

making wishes?

receiving gifts?

blowing candles?

people remembering?

meeting that special someone?

maybe

but ultimately it's when friends and family make you feel loved. Thanks much!

I was not looking forward to celebrating this year. I didn't want add another year just yet-not until i find/meet that special someone. I didn't want to count the days. I was not mindful of the days intentionally. And in the end, because there were no expectations or anything, the simplest of things all added up and gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. thank you Lord for all the blessings! thank you Lord for family, friends, acquaintances, and even the trivial things... 

I have to be patient and understand that it might not yet be the time for the one I've been hoping, praying and craving for... but You showed me even without that I can be happy. still i must say, I hope someday soon... whenever that would be... :)

In another part of the globe it still is my birthday... Arigatou Subarashiki Sekai!

silver +1 now =)

Does anybody know how to hold my heart?

can't wait for Sara B's new album! :) i like king of anything and hold my heart so far... :)

Hold My Heart

I never meant to be the one to let you down
If anything, I thought I saw myself going first
I didn't know how to stick around
How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night
And the conversation breaking up the mood
I didn't want to tell you you were right
Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies
But the truth is you've been hiding from it too
I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes
Saying everything no words could ever do

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Is anybody listening?
'Cause I'm crying
Is anybody listening?

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

lollipop!

it really looks yummy and i'm trying to find reasons to justify that it is not just some uncalled or wasteful spending for me! hahaha

LG lollipop

and they said it's target market is for 17-23 yrs old! hmmm... i can still fall under that right??? hehehe

counting down the days...

it'll be only a few days more until i turn silver+1... although i've said i stopped aging, here i go again.

restless
anxious
agitated
just like last year...
and now i'm having trouble sleeping... :(

I was dreaming/imagining things...
when I'll go home early because of a date
when I will be dressing up especially for someone (including dresses and skirts... i am really into girly stuff but not too keen on being teased etc)
when I have that special someone...

*sigh... oh well...

here's to hoping that this year's better than last! (not too much QLC i guess is a start...) Although I will not forget nor not acknowledge that despite everything there's so much to be thankful for...

now, please let me sleep rather nap... :(

Finish Strong

Derek Redmond- 1992 ollympics.....NEVER GIVE UP

This week's homily was really touching and hits a nerve. It was so nice of father to share with everyone the clip about Derek Redmond and the lesson that we can learn from his example. Although on reading some of his thoughts as to why he persevered despite the hamstring problem, saying that it was a selfish act on his part... overall, he showed the ability of the human spirit to triumph amidst seemingly insurmountable obstacles. In the end, it doesn't matter whether we finish first or last. It is how we survived and still manage to finish. A lesson so easy to forget when faced with trials and hardships. On top of it all, He is there ready to give us a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a body to lean and depend on. As I live through this life, I hope I embrace and live a strong, meaningful life. Let's all work towards that goal: whether we have to limp, hobble or crawl our way to the finish line, never give up and finish strong!

beautiful

since I rarely get the chance to update or I'm just plain lazy, here's a nice thought for this Friday the 13th :)

sonia's garden tagaytay. 7.17.2010

*~*~*~*~"He makes all things beautiful in His time"~*~*~*~*

special month

August. even though i'm following JP's example by keeping in mind and telling other people that "i've actually stopped aging", I have mixed emotions about my birthmonth. Don't get me wrong it will always be a special month but sometimes when people, things make you feel your age or old for that matter it kind of sucks. I am grateful for the life I have and there's really no point in complaining. My family's the best and so far I have friends who I know I can run to and count on. Add the fact that they know me well and look out for me (when they get the chance). Sometimes, I actually don't really feel I am "that old" already but then it seems that it has its own way of catching up to you.

This year, I am not making plans. I am excited to celebrate another year and a special day but I am not excited when the numbers come into play. So in case, don't remind me! :) Here's my wishlist though: (hahaha)

iphone4
jackie ohh
lucy black/gold
scoob stripes
le pliage
shoes, shoes, shoes
and what else?
you should know if you know me. :) pray and wish that for me... I will definitely appreciate it... :)

makeover?

well, i'll be honest...
it started with the contacts
then the braces came off
then i got curls...
sana naman db...

so anxious and sad right now though... feel like i need a drink or company else i get depressed again...

butterfly love

ever since i can remember i've been drawn to butterflies... if only, my life particularly my love life would be as colorful right now...

i hope and pray that one day, i will transform into that butterfly that will enchant someone- enough to try and catch me or lure me into its sweet embrace...

gremlin to gizmo

how do you turn a gremlin back to a gizmo? i just realized that as years went by i actually might have changed for the worse and my attitude stinks so bad it reeks gremlin...

i didn't realize i've transformed into this ugly monster until lately... the thing is i am not too sure how i can go back or at least be transformed into a gizmo... i've been telling myself to take it lightly and be more friendly/happy but so far i've been failing... i can't help it if i get irritated easily... i am too moody... i am a control-freak who worries too much and gets stressed easily. and as many of my closest friends would agree, it's better to just back off when i get into these foul moods... :( *sigh* that's my dilemma right now....

still i'm hoping... there's still hope for someone like me...

second thoughts

not exactly... guess it just crossed my mind whether or not i chose well or did the right thing... i thought i did but seeing how blank my canvas is right now, i can't help but wonder... where is the good karma? did i expect too much for something in return? did i misconstrue a request for a sign/validation of how right the decision was through something good coming along? and by good i mean so good, it's something i've been waiting for so long... because come on really, my age is catching up on me and i'm not getting any younger... starting to panic and get desperate possibly. i know pathetic. or maybe THE DECISION WAS NOT MINE TO MAKE in the first place. THERE WAS NO DECISION TO BE MADE. right at the beginning, i was at the losing end. Maybe i did win something, for sometime i felt good, i felt hurt, felt alone, felt betrayed, felt angered. became strong?
now that i'm back to square one, i can't help but hold on to those memories.
i.miss.you... and our conversations. maybe even whatever it was that we shared...
i can't help but feel that... sometimes, the control slips and when i hear things that make me remember, i miss... maybe i am in my weak, sorry state where self-pity is high. i wish you were somebody else. someone i could freely have daydreams or fantasies of the future. someone who could have actually freed me from my miserable state... I hope this distress call is heard and one day, there is still that someone. for me. someone. to call my own. "here comes my man..." please let it be soon... i'm really losing hope... :(

I don't say regret is all i feel. Several times, i've fallen or thought i have or maybe just liked but seeing how happy they are now, I can only but say it wasn't meant to be. I hope it is the Lord's will for me to enjoy life and share it with someone... please let there be hope for someone like me.

*this is probably the most open i've been considering how pathetic everything is here... but i guess that's just how sad i am and sorry for myself. so if you by any chance come across this, don't mock me and move on to the next website or what-not... thanks!

same old same old...

so it's been quite sometime since i last updated this blog... i guess what with all the different online sites that i have, they've been more than enough for me to air my rants and raves. current favorite among them is of course, twitter. so anyway, while i am still feeling lazy and waiting for the file transfer to finish (so i can get on with reinstalling etc.) i will try to write something here. not that anybody actually knows and reads this (anymore)...

25. If you have to ask me, I honestly don't think that THAT is a large number or that I am old for that matter... but then again, how can i not forget that I am actually older than what i'd like to think of myself to be when everything else around me says otherwise...

I can't exactly say that my life has been uneventful. That is very ungrateful of me and I feel blessed for all the things that the good Lord has given me... However, if you ask about my personal life all the details are useless because they in the end all come down to this: same old same old. It's just like trying to use crayons to color a picture that's already been painted. i don't know why that thing that i crave and think is lacking in my life in order to help me move on to the next phase of life and adulthood is much too elusive... for all i know, i have no regrets for the decisions I made or for some at least i have come to accept that if there were missed opportunities, they simply weren't meant to be... Probably some will argue I have never really known IT if I had not been driven mad enough not to use my head? Is being sensible really such a bad thing? Sometimes, I think that it's hard to be me. I can't help but (again) think that if it were somebody else, they would have ended up with the exact opposite decisions possibly unconsciously leading to THAT. But then again, that wouldn't be me right? I mean, I am the very person why some people gets pulled into my gravity. this is the same reason why i seem to shy away from situations where i think someone has a false perception of me and likes that. See what I have to go through? Even in writing I think I can psychoanalyze myself. I am not saying that I get to see every side of the coin or the cube or whatever n-dimensional figure you can think of. The point is, is there hope for me? Is there somebody out there who can put up with this? Who can make me fall? and more importantly unearth all this?

Defense mechanism. I am not exactly the most amiable character in the planet and i have the tendency to shut other people out or at least hide the real me with different facets of me depending on the situation and a thick-sturdy wall. Everytime that something happens to me, somehow that wall seems to grow in height and in thickness... :( Something's got to change, something has got to give... but for who and what reasons? As we age, the challenges that we have to deal with gets harder and harder. The most recent one was of course the hardest and I am clinging to the hope that I did the right thing. hopefully that will earn me enough credit for that one thing that I've been hoping for, for so long...

Hope is the dream of a soul awake.