La la la love

***because I'm just a sentimental drama queen

My dearest Jed,

As I write this you are sleeping on another side of the world. I just wanted to freeze this memory, this feeling, this thought. We have just watched a movie earlier and the day before that. I was bitchy and we've misunderstood each other. You've spent time with me.

For some reason, I'm very emotional this last couple of days. Yes, I do have my mood swings but you've been very patient and for that I am very grateful. It's a never ending learning experience but I'm glad I'm doing it with you.

I remember a time when I was thirsty and hungry for those 'kilig' moments and for that I may have overlooked the little things but those little things may be the ones that actually matter. I'll probably want and look for those from time to time - being the sentimental romantic that I am and also because I'm just like any other girl. Hopefully, it will not consume me.   (Subtle hint in that statement though)

You also once said that you have to hold back and be creative to set the expectations right. I do agree with you on that. But maybe that should not keep us from seizing the moment and expressing ourselves. While we look to a lifetime of adventure, who are we to say how long this will last. It's so easy to get caught up and lost in the daily grind and future planning when everyday in itself is a blessing. I am guilty of this myself. So here I am writing you this letter. What(ever) I think of doing, I will not hold back too much just to save it for another day - for special days. Everyday is special - if I forget that, remind me please. And for those really special days - we probably know this by now, somehow, some-way, we always think of something, we always outdo ourselves and even if we don't then we go back to page 1, the little things.

I love and miss you so much Jed. It's been a journey - being in this LDR with you. What a ride! While I still may end being paranoid and 'taray' at times, if we have that mutual respect, care and love  then we can pull through. I am honestly scared knowing my mood swings but I believe it will be fine because it's the two of us and together we can do this - with God's help. He's been with us through it all.

I love you and I'll see you soon!

Yours,

Joyce

relationship 101

if there's such a course I would have probably flunked it already. I don't know when I will get it right or have it figured out but sometimes I just don't feel I'm cut out for this. I'm too bipolar that I can't find the middle ground or maybe that's just what I need someone who will balance and take that journey with me of getting to that middle ground.

It's funny how when I start to believe, when I start to think and pray that I have found someone- the one, when I start to trust, when I start to bare my soul, when I yield control and guard for some reason, I don't stay in that stage that too long and I find myself crawling back into my shell. Maybe this is hinting me at some thing. "I need to be with myself and center..."

Can I really do this? To what extent?

this quote ran through my mind once more which I found over the internet space, so credit to the person who came up with this:

"On what expense does a man bare his soul to woman he does not intend to keep?
And on what expense does a man keep a woman he does not intend to bare his soul with?"

That discussion about third parties, cheating, mistresses, failed relationships, expectations has got me thinking. Maybe if I have this much doubt or fear and if I can't let go, release control, bare my soul without cowering back to the shell, then maybe I'm not meant for this or maybe it's not for me or I haven't really found the one. Being bipolar and going through this sine wave of emotions sucks. I really just want to be still sometimes.

Dear Lord, you know deep down what's in my heart but you also know what's best for us. What we yearn for may that be in alignment to Your will and plan. Please continue to guide, protect us, and keep us in your love and make us strong to fight against temptation and evil. Please forgive us from our shortcomings. And may I learn to relinquish control and entrust myself to you and to what you have chosen, your plans and your will. Amen. 

Comfort zones

They said "great things never came from comfort zones" and that "nothing worth having comes easy". In this crazy lonely leaping out of the comfort zone adventure/solitude it's hard to see the light, the silver lining. Past experiences have taught me to be more optimistic and keep on looking out for the silver lining. But that reserve has been getting drained and I've been struggling, just barely surviving as I hit the 5th month. I'm slowly adjusting, steadily but with no support group it's tough. At least back home, I had my family with me. In Korea, I found another family, here I have none. Sometimes I can't help but wonder with all the buckets of tears why I'm here, why do I have to subject myself to such challenge, pain, heartaches. I don't have the answer and I'm still searching for it but I hope the relationship that I'm trying to fight for is in alignment with His answer and plan. There's always a reason for everything, and everyday is a blessing. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I wouldn't be here if not for Him, His Love, his instruments-family, S.O., friends that's cheering me on.. It's just really hard sometimes and it just doesn't make sense. It's sometimes just so tempting to give up, to take the easy way out... 

It's a daily battle but sometimes, you just have to get up, and live the gift of a brand new day...

Stay or Leave?

They say if you love someone you have to let them go

Or you'll do whatever it takes to make them stay...

Where do you draw the line?

"Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did"

Sinong mag-aakala?

Sinong mag-aakala na magiging tayo?

Sinong mag-aakala na may isang kagaya mo na darating sa buhay ko at mamahalin ako ng ganito?

Sinong mag-aakala na ikaw ang makakapagtibok ng puso kong akala ko'y namanhid na?

Sinong mag-aakala na sayo ako'y mahuhulog at lulundag?

Sinong mag-aakala na tatangkain ko ang relasyon na ito na dagat ang pagitan?

Sinong mag-aakala na may naitatago akong pagkamalambing?

Sinong mag-aakala na tatagal tayo ng ganito, na ngayon ay maglilimang buwan na? Maikli man ngunit bawat panahon ay ninamnam at ipinapagpasalamat.

Sinong mag-aakala?

Walang may akala ngunit ang mahalaga ay andito tayo ngayon at nagmamahalan. Nawa'y malampasan natin ang mga pagsubok nang lalong tumibay ang ating pagsasamahan. At walang mag-aakala na tayong dalawa ay para sa isa't isa pala.

Relocation diaries: Entry 6 - Can officially drive

It's not that I've been driving without a valid license but it was more of having a local one which is more appropriate.

Everyone would keep on saying that if I drove in Manila I'd be driving here without a problem. Well, the thing is, here there are rules and we follow them. For the most part driving practices in manila are usually on gray areas and the horn is a very useful driving tool to get you from point A to B in the shortest possible time, that is some 1 hr if you're lucky for something as short as say 10km. Multiply that 2x, 3x or xx fold if a) it starts raining, b)drivers get into accidents (but of course!!), c) if it starts flooding, d)traffic enforcers decide to earn extra. 

So yeah, I've been driving more than 10 years in these conditions. I've tried driving on the other side of the road and thAt was quite interesting. Driving where I'm at is not new but it's been quite a while so I've had some near-misses and I'm just thankful I was lucky (and my guardian angel's been great!). But I haven't been involved in any major accidents of some sort. 

When it came to getting my local licebse though I had to:

-review and take online practice tests

-practice parallel parking/driving.

I was able to pass the written test and the parallel parking but I eventually failed my road test. Because I was doing wide turns, I was slowing down too much while turning and was doing a 35 on a 30 mile road. That was my first official driving test and boy it was technically detailed. Unfortunately, I failed and most of the remarks on my driving were Bad.

That became the trigger of my emotional breakdown. It came to a point that I was utterly demoralized that all the 10+ yrs I've been driving meant I've been doing everything wrong, that I was a lousy driver. I then came to realize why there are a lot of cases of depression here, I could end up one myself. It really sucked. It took many tears, wailing and rants after before I was able to suck it up and move on to getting it right the second time. Manila-style (gangsta style) driving had to take a backseat for now. Sure enough I did pass. Finally! 

Still I hope I can still drive back home. Home is where the heart is.

Relocation Diaries: Entry 5 - LDR, (repost)

Major hugot.

[repost]
"LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP"
Para lang 'to sa taong matatapang.
Yung tipong sobra ka ng nahihirapan at nasasaktan, pero patuloy ka paring lumalaban at walang sawang naghihintay kahit gaano man ito katagal hanggang sa muli niyong pagkikita. Yung bang halos mabaliw ka na sa sobrang pagkamiss, yung tipong gusto mo siyang lambingin pero di mo magawa kaya iiyak ka na lang at pilit mong kinakaya. Sobrang hirap man, di ka pa rin bumibitaw kasi mas di mo kakayanin kapag tuluyan na siyang mawala sayo. At sa kabila ng lahat, pinipilit mo paring maging matatag. Ganun talaga. Mahal mo kasi, mahal na mahal mo.
Para din ito sa taong marunong makuntento.
Na kahit marami kang pwedeng makitang "mas" pa sa kanya, hindi mo parin siya lolokohin. Na kahit pwede mo din siyang iwan o ipagpalit sa iba dahil sa milyang distansya niyo, hindi mo pa rin ginagawa dahil alam mo ang salitang kuntento. Yung bang marinig mo lang yung boses niya sa phone o di kaya’y makita mo lang siya sa webcam, masaya ka na. Nabubuo na ang araw mo basta’t nakakausap mo lang siya. Yung natitiis mong walang physical contact, walang yakap o halik basta’t naipaparamdam niya parin sa puso mo yung pagmamahal niya sayo, sapat na yun. Ganun talaga. Mahal mo kasi, mahal na mahal.
Tiwala talaga ang kailangan sa isang long distance relationship. Dahil sa tiwala pa lang na maibibigay mo sa kabila ng sobrang layo ng agwat ng distansya niyo, maipaparamdam mo na kung gaano mo siya kamahal. At dapat meron ka ring nakalaang oras sa kanya araw-araw. Oo, araw-araw, dahil sa malayo ka sa piling niya kaya kelangan mong iparamdam na nandyan ka pa rin at gusto mong maging parte ng araw niya. Siguro sa sitwasyong ganito, pwede mong sobrahan ang pagmamahal mo. Para siguradong aabot ito sa kanya lalo na’t kung dagat ang pagitan ninyo.
Tiis tiis lang. Sabi nga nila, "Good things happen to those who wait".
[repost]

Tears of love

Beneath the sometimes snobbish or complacent exterior lies a softie. The softie who sheds tears when she's hurt, extremely angry, in pain or less often overjoyed.

Today, she shed tears of love, of that overwhelming feeling of loving someone and of being loved, of that attachment, of need, of longing, of gratitude, of hope, of optimism, of being touched deeply as far as her soul and not just her heart.

If there is a someone for everyone, maybe my someone has arrived. Thank You Lord. You do make things beautiful in your time.

These are tears I wouldn't mind shedding, they're definitely not a waste. Now, I wish I can touch his soul the way he touched mine. How do I even top that?

Pop Jedi

So, I reached my limits last Wednesday and the anti-social tendency kicked back in. I read this article about so-called ambiverts and I could totally relate. I guess I am an ambivert or selectively social. I know what I needed to do and that I will be ok. I just have to keep fighting and finding ways to improve. But that day I just wanted to disconnect so bad and recharge. My patience was so thin, that I was a walking livewire but somehow several rants to supportive loved ones, walks around the driveway/the apartment, and tears later I survived the day.

There's something about either eating or shopping that has an uplifting effect. But since I'm having trouble managing my finances or figuring out the budget as of the moment due to the move and relocation, I ended with the next best thing - funko pop!

I've been trying to restrain myself from buying and collecting these cute things. I've stopped with the lego and I'm not to keen on starting a new collection. I've been successful so far with some exceptions. For one, I just had to buy honey a funko pop batman. Believe me though I've been resisting the urge to buy the rest of them and use hon's fondness of batman as an excuse.

Then last Wednesday, I took an out of ways trip just so I can buy Luke Skywalker (Jedi). I am no star wars fan and there's only one reason why I bought it. I thought if I'm going to get myself one, this may just as well be it. But oh boy, I took some time in that small stand putting stuff in my basket and putting them back again at the stand. It was just too hard not to buy more. But my 'kuripot' nature eventually prevailed so I didn't end up with more to start another collection. Whew! The trip was worth it though, a sort of retail therapy.

Oh, the things you do for love or when in love.

Relocation Diaries: Entry 4: first month

Apparently, I've been here for a month and so far what have I been able to accomplish:
get a car - nope
move into an apartment - nope
buy the furniture, arrange the utilities etc. - nope
get a driver's license - nope

in short, none so far. And I am panicking a little right now with the things I need to do (and remember). I'll take them one step at a time and hope I finally get to mark them off my list little by little.

But that's not why I squeezed writing this entry. It's more on the realizations that hit me everyday. Really, the heart sometimes take a while to realize what the head knows all along. Keeping it together is hard. There's still so much to learn, to balance, to adapt, to handle things properly. I hope and pray it will work out in the end. I am both sorry for my error in judgement or clouded thoughts/hurtful words and thankful for the patience and understanding. Love is indeed a crazy thing.

and yeah, as the song goes, I miss you like crazy...

Relocation Diaries: Entry 3 - Plans

Last Sunday's homily hit me in a very personal way. It was about instead of making Him our secretary taking notes of what our plans are, we should ask what His plans are for us and seek/consult Him if our plans are aligned with His. 

It goes well with this message I got earlier today from a friend:

"Happy Tuesday, everybody. Here's a snippet of my devotional today that I want to pass on to you: 

"God may not have fulfilled the promise in your life because he’s waiting on you. He’s waiting on you to learn to not fear, not fret, not faint, not forget. He wants you to learn that before he delivers you.

God can do things immediately, but he’s working on a larger agenda. The delays that come in your life do not destroy God’s purpose. They fulfill God’s purpose in your life."

The verse that goes with this: "“I will bless the Lord and not forget the glorious things he does for me” (Psalm 103:2)""

...

Being a logical, analytical person, I can't help but struggle when I don't understand.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Relocation Diaries: Entry 2 - Distance

Travelling has been a common part of my life mostly because of work and it has taught me a lot of things. The experiences all have helped me to become the person who I am now. I know for a fact though that not everyone wants to travel for work and be away from home frequently and for prolonged periods. Back then I didn't really fully understand and felt what the deal was. To me it was an enriching experience and that the distance shouldn't put so much as a strain on personal and family life.

Ask me again now, and somehow I have a slightly different perspective and a better somewhat understanding on why especially married couples or those with children are hard to persuade to leave home. While it hasn't been that long for me, just 22 days, there is someone back home that I'm terribly missing. Now I start to understand why they say Long Distance Relationships are difficult. Difficult yes, but not impossible. I am holding on to that, we are holding on to that.

I didn't get those couple selfies. And then I ended up having a couple of them myself. This was probably our first one together.

There are pros and cons to the set-up. Of course, the cons are more obvious but for the pros an example would be, you try to spend more time and talk more with each other. Conversations being the bulk of the bonding and quality time together make you become more expressive, creative and less secretive than you would (like the guessing game women usually like to play).

Right now, on another side of the world, we are marking our 2nd month together. Oh yes, monthsaries! It's really funny how I used to raise my eyebrows on these type of things. But right now, I am just thankful of where we are right now and that we've gotten to this point. Counting your blessings and being grateful of them.

Honey, thank you for taking care of me and my heart so far. I love and miss you so much. I am really looking forward to spending time with you. May He continue to bless us, our relationship, to make us patient and strong, to give the wisdom and strength as we continue this journey. The past two months (and the months prior to that when we were still "dating") have been a happy and a learning experience. Happy 2mo! May the 4th be with you! :P until the next months. :)

another selfie when he went with me to the embassy on his birthday. :)

Stop and smell the flowers

Once upon a time, a guy friend gave me and another single lady flowers for valentines day back in 2013. I asked for tulips (not exactly a favorite but was just being random), she got stargazers. There was supposedly a trend for he gave another lady flowers before and she ended up being in a relationship sometime after. He is married but we sort of bully him that way. 

A year later, I was so over the heartache, I moved roles and got busy with travelling mostly for work that I was away for that week. He too was travelling frequently which didn't allow for as much gossiping as before. But when I got back, I saw a lone wilted rose at my desk with a note.

The gesture was much appreciated so as the note. I know a lot of my friends are just rooting for me and my happiness knowing what I've gone through which is not really much but they probably thought I deserve to be happy just as much.

A year later, I went digging through my stuff and found the note again. Coincidence or not, it still makes up for a good story.

For some reason, someone got me flowers not exactly on the day but I count them anyway. And some days after that, and some more days after that... And I ended up taking a leap and giving my heart to that someone. :) 🌹🌼💐🌸🌷😍😘❤️💓💞💘💋💌

Thank you friend and of course honey! :)

Relocation Diaries: Entry 1

So, it's been a couple of days since I've officially moved out of my parent's home. It took me many years but the catch would be I just not moved out, I moved several timezones away from home. Armed with two suitcases, I once again braved the unknown to step out of my comfort zone.

While stepping out of my comfort zone is nothing new and I know of its benefits and rewards, as always there is the struggle. I am not sure whether the struggle now is easier or harder than when I temporarily moved to Korea where mostly everything was provided but I couldn't communicate much and I was pretty much left on my own to figure things out without much Filipinos in sight. Or when I have to basically figure out most things on my own from the apartment to the car, etc. to get settled. While there is some sort of a Filipino community here that I know I can just seek assistance from, I still somehow feel isolated. Probably I unconsiously set some expectations and I don't feel the support and welcome right now. I know I can do this. I know I am strong and I'll get over this - that things will come together eventually but it's just awfully lonely and I wish I somehow feel some support and assistance.

You try to be there and be supportive, trying to sustain the emotions in the best way you can but right now I wish I can lean on someone more than anything. All part of the adjustment I guess.

James Morrison - Love Is Hard

And it kicks so hard,

It breaks your bones.

Cuts so deep

It hits your soul.

Tears your skin and

And makes your blood flow.

It's beter that you know,

That love is hard..



Love is hard, love is hard.



If it was easy,

It wouldn't mean nothing tough.

Gifts

They say it is better to give than to receive. Indeed, there is a sense of satisfaction and happiness when you get to share with family, friends and strangers through giving whether material or immaterial (like time) things. Beyond that, I was reminded that the joy in giving also lies on seeing your gift well appreciated. It is in spending time to look for a gift, hoping that the recipient will like them and then seeing the happiness and excitement afterwards by the recipient. Giving gifts is not just the monetary value but in the time, effort and thought that was put into it and having those well-received. I've forgotten this unfortunately because I've ended up having to buy generic gifts for friends and cash for family for the most part in the past years. It was to avoid the stress and to make it easier rather than "wasting" something on what they eventually don't need/like. I guess as we grow old, we tend to get picky or complicate things. Thanks to a friend's daughter who was so happy and contented with a simple gift of bubbles, I was reminded of this thought and feeling. Maybe that's why they say Christmas is also for kids. Give a kid anything wrapped in a package and it will paint a smile on their faces regardless of what's inside.

"Open Possibilities" - Jan. 3, 2015. PET bottles recycled and installed as dandelions. #CY365