a different kind of low...

i hope the rain will go away.
i hope that the water has finally run dry.
i hope that i will shed no more tears...
i hope and pray that i'm done crying...

it hurts.
it may look like i am a very strong and intimidating person on the outside easily repelling people...
when in fact this is the me that tries very hard to hide the extremely fragile me inside...
very susceptible to pain...
with a heart easily broken...
struggles a lot when faced with trials...

"I observed the woman I had been up until then. Weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn’t fear – it was the wisdom of someone who knew what really was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering – just so the sun’s rays wouldn’t fade my old furniture." - By the river piedra..

i think i have to give up the hope that things will be like it was. I have to accept and move on and NOT PRETEND but rather act as if it were the truth that I didn't feel/establish any sort of friendship with them. Lord, please help me and be with me in my struggle. I know this is just a fraction of what the others went through or is going through but already I feel helpless. Help me to learn what you want me to learn from this experience and act accordingly. Thank you for all the realizations and helping me open up to friends. If this brought any good maybe it's me being more appreciative of the people around me.

"No matter how sad the ending awaiting us is. Let's call it hope."

I want to understand all these but if it keeps on inflicting pain I have to let go. Still I hope that things will be better at least for Cristine... it's harder on her i know but good thing she's stronger... Ganbatte Cristine! Stay strong.

hopefully i'm done crying. i'm still broken but in repair (i hope).

step by step...

i can't wait for the weekend or rather for this week to end... little by little i'm getting adjusted with the situation... yes, i still feel bad about it and still hoping that things will get back to normal... but if that's too much to ask then maybe at least as if nothing happened and as if we didn't become "friends/close" in the first place. (although, i'm wondering how true that word is...) in one way or another, eventually this will pass... i just feel it will be still a waste if the outcome is the latter (and it sucks if the blame will be on just one "mistake" so to speak...) thank God for friends especially when the world feels too small... also, i should be thankful that what i'm getting all agitated about is just a trivial matter compared to what others are going through...

to my friend atan, you can do it. we're here for you. although at times I am MIA or seem busy, just give me a tap I'll try my best to be of help. God Bless! =)

"Don't brood nor hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. Learn to bend, it's better than breaking. Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect." -Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other.
-thanks dani for the quote! =)

i don't need this...

or maybe i do... but really, the additional emotional burden is heavier and is more cumbersome than all the stress and toxic stuff in my life right now.... i didn't think i'd feel this or encounter this kind of conflict again... i'm not sure when was the last i felt this... probably because most of the relationships i have established so far are superficial? not exactly... i tend to really stay away/avoid conflict or confront conflict at least. i've grown accustomed to the mindset that things will pass eventually... but i really don't know what's unique about this situation that it burdens me on the emotional level... i really hope this will pass... it's just the second day of the week (second for me) and already i can't wait for the weekend and hoping for a really relaxing break... Help me God. the weekend trip didn't do much to rejuvenate me... yes, i enjoyed it but i need a looooong break to destress and unwind... argh i'm so down right now. Unfortunately this is nothing of the boy-girl relationship conflict (not sure if i should say i wish either). guess for some mababaw pro friends are as important pa rin naman eh... hopefully the friendship is worth all these worry, etc... i think i need a temporary change of environment/fresh air so that this issue won't suffocate me much...

i'm ok really but...

aside from work-related anxieties, pressure and stress which are really an inevitable part of work-life i'm doing fine but...

honestly, all the comments, jokes (some foul/below the belt), unsolicited advices, teasings, "set-ups" are not just getting on my nerves but rather affecting me and bugging me. yes, i'm on emo mode when it comes to this topic but not emo to the point of being too sad or feel pathetic about it. I have come to accept my condition and lived on the notion that life is to be enjoyed. Single life is fun mind you. However, it's a topic i'd rather avoid if there's some sort of "misplaced pity or sympathy?" involved... I know I am getting old but really all these pressure around me is affecting me... I mean come on I don't feel hopeless at all because like I said, I am enjoying whatever life gives me but if the people around me think that I'm a hopeless case then that's really scary. After all "my hope/prospects" to get out of this "status" is that - my environment. For this particular situation or aspect of one's life, the opinion of idea of you matter - a lot i think. Maybe I should be thankful for these people who worry about me. Maybe I should heed their advice. I know I should loosen up and forget about the wall or the force field (which is really something hard coz deep down I am scared to get hurt. I am scared of the unknown.). The thing though is if you're projecting that you're doing fine with your current state (not that I am opposed to the idea of being in a relationship but it's more on a bonus at the moment and not like a priority. Of course, I would like/love to and maybe life would be better but the absence of it shouldn't stop me from living life) they'd feel bad for you. If you change your ways, it's highly likely people will call you "desperate".

destiny/one sweet love... where the hell are you? >>> like i'm ready to give in to all these pressure that i'm wanting one so that all these people around me would stop making a deal of my status already. This is so wrong... If it's time it's time. If there's somebody there's somebody. I hope soon and not too late...

It might be easy to not be single actually but I want to "fall in love" and right now I don't feel that... I don't want to be a fool in love but simply in love. Maybe it's my problem. Maybe I'm so dense or my heart has hardened already or it's just safely tucked in the farthest corner of a fortress... which one should it be? should i open the gates (to whom?) or should somebody break the wall first? is my "force field" too strong that not even a lightning could strike me?

guess that's enough for now... too candid already. If you're reading this I hope I didn't offend you at the same time hope you won't think I'm too pathetic though maybe I am...

One Sweet Love
Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.