i didn't think it was possible...
and yet...
God is great...
in Him nothing is impossible...
Thank You Lord!

right now, I shouldn't have anything to complain... but still i wish that besides friends and family I have that someone I can share this joy with...
in His time...

i am watching everybody's life pass me by...
such is the tragedy of my existence...
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i don't want to be alone...

i'm starting pick myself up again...
although i haven't hit ground zero...
still i'm falling...
i'm wondering if i should let this be for once...
but i don't want to waste...
and watch people go...
i don't want to be a waste...
why am i drawn to complicated matters...
please be patient with me...
only time will tell...
Lord, please help me...

deep down...

out of the blue i felt like browsing over my old xanga site earlier today and boy did i enjoy myself. It was fun rereading old posts dating as far back as 2004. Back then we were still on dial-up so it's either I was putting up with the modem speed back then just to post entries OR i would do it in school where net was faster...

It's refreshing to read all those old posts again. I can't believe I was able to write that way before. For some reason, I think I was way more creative in my writing back then. As such, I promised myself I'd make it a habit to write more even if it's about trivial things... Of course, as is usual most of my posts were on emo overdrive... maybe next time i'm going to repost them here so that everything's centralized... there's this one particular line that really struck a chord:

"I've been and still afraid to get hurt. I am much more contented in not taking any risks at all... but by risking nothing I lose everything... God bless me... Lord, please help me..." -July 6, 2006

... still the same... deep down... here i am again hiding in the confines of the open to the public web...

Of course, the rest of the posts were a bit too long for me to quote them here. Reading all those emo stuff however, made me feel all the more emo though. i've been quite unstable for sometime now. Most of it is due to the stress bordering on burn out and tiredness craving for a break and a vacation. For some reason I really feeling like escaping. It's as if nothing's holding me back and I can't find any reason to stay... A change of environment is such an enticing thought to me right now. However, unlike in my first job where I felt like a prisoner wanting to get out ASAP, this time around it's a bit different. I simply feel as if I don't have enough reasons to stay... I mean I still like what I am doing. I like the people I've met and grown attached to... I just can't place it... or maybe that's just it. I still haven't found my place. Deep down there is that gnawing emptiness, a void that is nowhere near getting filled. Maybe I feel that whatever I have now is not going to fill that. It may mask it, divert it but not fill it. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all the many gifts and blessings God has given me. I consider the people, the work, the environment- all as gifts. I guess it's just that I am not so sure where this is taking me and where I am headed. The short term goals are there but somehow it's just matter of time. It's just like prolonging the uncertainty. I guess I haven't really thought of what I want to do next... What I really want to fulfill and accomplish... Is this what they already call as quarter life crisis?

I usually am busy going out and meeting up with friends but sometimes it does get really tiring. While I enjoy myself a lot as these meet-ups are supposedly a chance for me to unwind and loosen up somehow it also tends to highlight something. Despite the "busyness" and the flurry of activities, despite being surrounded by people... I am alone...

yeah, i got it bad. it's downhill again for me...

*hoping and praying for the best... things will get better...

**why do i seem to have this nasty habit of having misplaced emotions... wanting solace and comfort from the wrong person...or expecting/wanting too much when i couldn't give anything yet or when i shouldn't... nope i don't need a bump in the head. i can manage this... maybe just a pat in the back once in a while to serve as a reminder...

dreams...

things i want/dream to do before i die... (in no particular order)

go on a Euro tour
go on a Japan tour
go on a Carribean cruise
go to South Africa
watch an F1 race
watch an F1 race in Monaco
pose for a pictue with kimi and schumi and get their autographs
watch Arashi in concert
watch arashi in any of their shows (TBS)
meet Arashi and pose for a picture with them
go on a vacation in Amanpulo/Maldives or other exotic places
fall in love...
get married and settle down...


*wishful thinking*

EMO MODE!!!