Relocation diaries: Why am I here?

I've been here for more than a year now (give or take if you count vacation time back in the P.I.) and it's been great. I have a more comfortable and convenient life. I didn't even realize how comfortable because of how I've been trying to maintain the same standard of living as I had in Manila before moving here with more savings (for a debt I'm trying to pay off and for the wedding). I think I only bought two nice bags and one watch which weren't even that expensive considering I am a sucker for GOOD deals. That hit me hard last year though as I was partially trying to save up some money to refinance the car I bought and had incorrect tax deductions. The money I saved up for refinancing purposes just had to be paid back to the government. (*sigh) Hopefully, I wouldn't have to pay additional $$ for taxes.

My job has allowed me to meet all sorts of people, most of the time interesting and nice. Of course, there are those that you'd rather not meet again for a second time. It has given me the opportunity to travel and have taken me to multiple States mostly in the East/MidWest. Mixing business with leisure I got to also meet friends and family as well as landmarks. I do like what I do, the continuous learning process, the fact that stress levels only last for a week and you start again afterwards for a new batch of trainings. I am lucky and grateful where I am now.

However, not everything is perfect and I live a mostly solitary life right now. I escaped my comfort zone in the company of family, loved ones and close friends for the above and the promise of an adventure. I thought that I could replicate or outdo the experience I had in Korea. To meet and hang out with awesome people, to try dancing, to try hiking, biking for miles and miles, to push myself to the limits, to be carefree. Why do I find it difficult now to socialize and embrace an activity instead of confining myself in this dark and empty apartment? Why have I become so lazy and picky? Drinking and partying is not really thing. I'd rather go exploring or finding new things. I should start somewhere and I know just the thing.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom came over for a visit. I am recovering right now from juggling between work and entertaining and things in between but I miss having her around. It suddenly just hit me why did I leave it all behind. But then again, as she said, you can't have everything. Maybe just maybe, if I were just thinking of myself, I'd just pack my bags and head back home after my bond is up. But as it stands, there is that future, of marriage and building my own family. Regardless, I believe that no matter which choice we make, He will be there with us for the journey. For now, even as I struggle LDR included (I terribly miss being with him), I have go back to the routine, to be able to be my own source of happiness and not to depend on anyone else. I am happy of the time my mom and I got to spend and bond together. We've had our share of ups and downs, but somehow I feel that as it should, that bond between mothers and daughters is stronger.

I am here to grow, maximize my potential and share God's gifts to me. It has in some ways helps me to prepare of what's to come next. And I look forward to it, as long as it is with him, who continues to stick out for me, who never gives up on me. 

5 Criticisms Of How I Met Your Mother‘s Ending (And Why They’re Invalid) | Thought Catalog

5 Criticisms Of How I Met Your Mother‘s Ending (And Why They’re Invalid) | Thought Catalog



Undeniably, HIMYM is a favorite considering the many HIMYM inspired entries I have in this blog. There's so much to learn and relate to in that series. They articulate realizations and thoughts that you are trying to form or grasp in an entertaining and creative way. I have not watched the whole series including the finale though and I've quite a lot to catch up on but I'm still sad that this show has ended. Whatever the buzz is on the season finale as it seems it was some sort of a mind-f*ck for a lot of people, I will still love this show and try to finish it. Nonetheless, the article above is worth a read (if you don't care about spoilers like me). I'm pretty sure that there are quite a number of "realizations" to take away from that finale. Nonetheless, this phrase from the article above seems very apt considering my state. Keep smiling and looking for that silver lining!


"If HIMYM has taught us anything, it's that if we want to see something legendary happen, we're going to have to wait for it."


P. S. I doubt that this will be the last HIMYM inspired entry for the series has not yet technically ended for me as I still need to do a marathon on a whole lot of episodes (like re-watching from the start).

What it's gonna be 2014?

It's March already and before you know it, the year will again be coming to a close. I miss 2012 and how epic that year was, filled with adventures and countless firsts! I've been trying to figure out what this year would be and so far it's been quiet. It's as if I'm back to the monotonous life I fell into before that site assignment. Sure, I've been in and out of the country but it was mostly to this good old, sleepy town in the outskirts of the city. It's not that bad but so far I haven't found anything that interesting. There's not much to do for entertainment, and being a Muslim country, there are a lot of restrictions than what I am used to. Add the fact that I don't have my own transportation considering that it's not very commuter friendly here. Gas is so cheap that most households have at the minimum 2 cars. A full tank of relatively high-grade gas a 1.6 liter car would only cost about $15. If only I can take some home during these frequent visits.

I want to travel.
I want to tick off some items from that list I made late last year:  Come into my World (of random ramblings): 2014 to do list:
I want to get involved with charities, projects, someone (yes, I still have to add that).
Basically, live life and not just get eaten up by work.
I just hope some of these will become a reality.

All the love in the World

Boracay 2013

I may have found my new "theme song".

All the Love in the World

The Corrs

I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friend, I'm more than O.K.
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it's not all they say
Still I believe (I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it
I have no hestitaion
My imagination just stole me away
(Still...) Still I believe
(I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world

Love's for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I'm only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me...

(Don't wanna wake...) And i won't wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
(Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...)

Gravity

2 of my favorite artists, John Mayer and Sara Bareilles, both has a song with the same title. The science maybe a bit complex but the idea that gave birth to this law was quite simple. Legend has it that an apple fell on Newton's head while he was sitting under a tree and the Universal Law of Gravitation was born. Of course, this could be an oversimplification minus the technical jargon and the nitty-gritty scientific details. Nonetheless, the concept is there and applies to our day to day living both in the scientific and philosophical realms.

Sometimes, we move too fast we don't realize we are on the brink of falling. Other times, we crave for adventure and live on the edge consciously. Unfortunately, a little distraction, disruption, among others can easily break the balance. Try as we may to keep things steady one way or another, things just don't fall into place.  But as everyone may have said time and again, that's just the way it is.


keep it steady

Even as we fall, get sucked in, lose balance and stumble, we have to accept that it is through those that we truly experience life. These things make life beautiful and wonderful, happy and amazing, diverse and miraculous.


falling is natural...

I have fallen many times, who knows how many more times I should fall... Standing up is quite a challenge but honestly, I couldn't really ask for more. I am too blessed, God has been so good and life is just too damn beautiful.

Sara Bareilles sings about gravity being the unwavering attraction from one person to another that cannot be denied. The attraction sometimes being too much bordering on obsession that freedom from it, is yearned. John Mayer sings about gravity being that which brings us down - any man down. As we acknowledge its power, we should try to balance swaying and fighting it while remembering to stay in the light. Maybe it's about getting a grasp of what's important and what matters most to us... so we can stand back up.

Keep falling. Not every fall is the same because each time you stand up, part of you is already different.

Saying Goodbye to 2012

So apparently, 2012 was a leap year. I've forgotten about it until I read another customary year-end post from an acquaintance. Looking back, 2012 was indeed a year of making leaps for me - leap of adventure, love, and life.

Coming to Korea and spending most of 2012 there was quite life-changing for me. In many ways, it has triggered me to come out of my shell and take several other leaps. I wouldn't be where I am right now, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually if it weren't for Korea. It was not love at first sight, however. If I had to write this post during the first quarter of my stint, it would have been filled with everything negative. I got my heart broken twice, almost ruined my career,  felt alone, helpless and terribly inexperienced with "independent living", cried buckets (almost every night or every other night), struggled with the language barrier, the inefficient and extreme workaholic (but disorganized) work ethic - a taste of the OFW life. How sheltered, naive I have been and life has been pretty easy for me back home. I quite honestly thought it was a very bad decision (if not one of my worst) to take the assignment and for the most part cursed it. I wanted to escape it so bad (hence almost ruining my career). You don't really realize how lucky and blessed you are until you go through the pain, sorrow and hardships.

Paradigm shift. Then everything turned and now I am a firm believer of the saying "everything happens for a reason". God has been and is so good in taking care of me, I can't thank Him (and His instruments whether people, things or experiences) enough for always being there for me as He continues to teach me lessons - helping me grow as I experience life. The second-half of the year went by as if I was in a dream that coming home felt like waking up from it. Just when you thought that you have already experienced a lot that you are at the plateau of life - you realize there is so much more to experience, feel, meet and do. You start to fall in love with life all over again and suddenly think as you look back how you've lived a monotonous and boring life during the recent years. It's like starting to live more: I started to "dance" Kpop, "sing" without the influence of alcohol, be "physically active", do photo shoots (a little frustrated on this though), get wasted so bad, cooked, all the personal and attitude adjustments. I know I am still a pessimist but somehow, I'd like to think that I'm becoming more mellow. As I experience pain, I heal in a beautiful way by turning (trying very hard through the help of friends and loved ones) it into a positive experience. So far, it's by looking forward on the benefits that keeps me going. Living in Korea has been one of the best decisions and experiences in many aspects for me.

As I've mentioned in my FB post, "2012, you've been great! Definitely no regrets... I'm ready for you 2013! And to everyone who has been part of this awesome 2012 (especially new friends), thank you! Cheers for another great new year!"

I hope especially for my friends that 2013 will be another great year for us and that we will always be able to overcome and look past the pain, sorrow and hardships - that somehow everything will be alright and turn out for the better. May we always be on the lookout for opportunities to take leaps whether of faith, love, adventure or life in general. And when that time comes, we are ready to take the risk (while keeping in mind and heart the lessons learned). Carpe Diem!

Good life

I just got back from another awesome day/night and it is such a good feeling I have right now. It's been one adventure after another. More on those next time maybe when I have the time (teaser: photoshoots, crazy hongdae night, mannam, peak, etc.). Somehow I have this feeling that I'm back in college again and I am kind of wondering what happened between then and now. Of course, I've had several great and fun times especially with my college friends but I kind of feel that I missed out. Those lull moments in my life, should have been filled with moments like this before. I played safe and went with the flow too much I forgot how good I am in different aspects. But then again, without the triggers and the past to compare things with I wouldn't be able to tell. Now I am able to appreciate and see things in a whole different way especially when taking risks and embarking on adventures. I can do more and be more. I am just glad of the experiences so far. In time, I have to think more for the long-term (aka settling down) and the personal but while I'm still here might as well do more and live more - exerience life to the fullest. Everything really happens for a reason.
I hope this feeling would last because right now I am in love with life. I think I am actually starting to love it here. ❤

P.S. I still can't help but sing songs like long gone and moved on sometimes. Maybe there are things you just don't forget but it's all good.

Nonchalant

Feelings/emotions have a funny way of sneaking up on you. Just when you thought you've gone through the notions and that there's nothing left but small amounts of pain, hurt or rejection. It just suddenly hits you out of nowhere. Sometimes it might take just one good memory or a picture to be reminded and then the feeling starts to come flooding in. Just like a broken dam threatening to wash away all that you've learned making you more vulnerable than ever to the same or even greater pain. Because the pain has subsided you tend to forget everything else. While it's not easy to forget the rekindled feelings, one must remember everything - to see the whole picture. Paulo Coelho just about sums it up in Aleph what's more important. "Make peace with your past so that it won't destroy your present"
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Time to let this go and move on... I'll get there eventually.

Be crazy. Be proud.

There are some things in your life that you may not be proud of. You might even feel a tad bit ashamed of the stupid, foolish mishaps you've made. But rather than think of them as stupidity, it is best to treat them as craziness. Crazy is good as it pushes you outside of your comfort zone and makes you experience more to life than what you thought. It is in the crazy things that sometimes we can say that we have truly lived. As long as you still have a sense of what's real from imagined, you should be fine. The outcome may not be what you expect as it is wholly unpredictable if not the exact opposite but in the greater scheme of things and with the right attitude they will make sense. Trust that. It is still up to you where you want to be taken with the push that life is giving you - for the better or for the worse.

I may not be proud of what happened but I'm glad it did. Sure the wound is still healing but once that's done I'll be damn proud of the scar. I was stupid and foolish. I was crazy. I am alive after all!

reset

Everyday I find myself making some progress little by little as I take baby steps but the more I monitor the progress the more frustrated I become. With each day I find myself resetting over and over. In the words of John Mayer, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part ." Just when I thought I've made good progress, the moment I wake up the following day, it's as if I'm back to square one. But I am hopeful that somehow these baby steps I'm taking will overtake the resets... eventually.



Gonna Get Over You
Sara Bareilles

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one


And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

oh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday
oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Say it's coming soon,
Someday without you,
All I can do
Is get me past the ghost of you,


Wave goodbye to me,
I won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright
once I find the other side of someday
Oohoohooohoohooh...
Oohoohooohoohooh...


Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Snap for a Tune: Payphone

Somehow this song hits a nerve...

Payphone
Maroon 5

I'm at a payphone trying to call home

All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be
It's even harder to picture
That you're not here next to me

You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home

All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of sh*t
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But just gave it away
You can't expect me to be fine
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home

All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of sh*t
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

Now I'm at a payphone...

[Wiz Khalifa]
Man work that sh*t
I'll be out spending all this money while you sitting round
Wondering why it wasn't you who came up from nothing
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning
And all of my cars start with the push up a button
Telling me the chances I blew up or whatever you call it
Switched the number to my phone
So you never could call it
Don't need my name on my show
You can tell it I'm ballin'
Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could've saw
But sad to say it's over for
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now ask me who they want
So you can go and take that little piece of sh*t with you

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of sh*t
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

Now I'm at a payphone...

What's in a name?

Or in this case, what's in a title? Sadly, it has some sort of bearing for me that I actually am ashamed to broadcast it in public whether on immigration forms or anywhere else. Internally, it's not a problem but the negative association with the title by some circles make me want to hide it. So much that I found myself hesitating several times from adding 'people' or connections in one 'professional networking' site. I have not added some of them still for fear of this bad judgement considering how nice sounding theirs are already. I know that it's different (somewhat) but sometimes it's just hard to have to explain. Still it kind of makes me think if I have been left behind...
The title I do want is still the same though - wife and mother. Hahaha kidding aside I really want... Oh well. Bahala na si batman!

Malabo lang

It hit me today. Internally, I am more relaxed when there's a constraint and hold back when there isn't. Externally, I hold back when something is stirring up inside than when there's none. A contradiction really. On the road to recovery. Nagising din!
Spell hopeless though. It's gotta change.

It's not you, it's me...��

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I a free spirit or a tease? Maybe I am both but definitely a coward. Why am I still single when in fact I have quite a fickle heart... Or maybe that's just it, I do, I can like(maybe a little even more) somebody but oftentimes my mind and my principles do not agree... I find myself let loose on the emotions and control only when the feasibility or reality of it is remote. Once it becomes tangible and material, I run away and hide. But did it ever? Have I really seen and felt it to be just and real? When my mind does, my heart is stone cold or turns to stone... Try as I may, I find no cracks or little but not enough cracks to go forward. Will they ever both agree?
The great wall of joyce - will you even crumble? Will someone even try to knock it over? But even if someone does, if I refuse to budge, just by sheer will it won't. Why won't I? Can someone meet me halfway? Is it really just me or there's not really the one yet? I keep on waiting, searching, hoping but this hope somehow messes things up as well. For as I hope, I keep on being idealistic and looking for that perfect deal, situation, package. Sometimes, it sucks to be me. More often than not, I have not really been able to be true to whatever emotions I may have had-no matter how insignificant. And usually, I end up with pent up emotions.
The one that got away.
The bad boy
-
The emo crush
-
?

*sigh.

6 months and counting...

Several days ago marks the 6th month I've been clean. A few days ago, I had this twitter conversation with some of my friends: one who just joined the club and started to come clean and the other who's still hooked. No, I'm not talking about any drugs or such. It's a different kind of addiction, it's one you call social networking: facebook specifically.

Here are some bits and pieces from our twitter conversation:
-"too much trash info, things I don't want to read are popping out of nowhere"
and the rebuttal is simple actually: "declutter"
-"maganda na din na di alam ng maraming tao kung anong nangyayari sa akin... parang talk to me NOT watch my life"
-"I just found myself hooked to watching other people's lives when I should be minding my own, it's liberating db?"
-(my 10 cents) "it's a tool for self-absorption and stalking"
-"Sometimes you just have to be detached and stick to people that matter..."
-"it creates an idea that you need to know other people's lives..."
-"Those who matter knows. Those who don't, don't have to."

I guess we were one of those who misused and abused facebook and became facebook dependents such that the only way to regulate its use is by complete detachment either by deletion or the more subtle one: deactivation. Good thing they have that option. I, however, would like to think that we are not alone in this though. From an april fool's joke, to a form of penance, to abstinence from hearsay and gossip, to avoiding people and therefore from aggravating a bad situation, my reasons have evolved to what it is now. It's all those and then some. My friend was right, it is a liberating experience. Do I feel out of place/outsider? Yes, sometimes but not so much. Do I miss it? Not really. Does it get me when I'm branded as anti-social because of this? Yes a little. It's probably the only reason why I have not deleted it altogether. I am actually contemplating it if only as a read-only account that I can share to anyone especially foreign colleagues/professional contacts who'd like to keep in touch somehow. I am in no hurry though. I'm good.

They say too much of something is bad for your health. Before you fall into the pit of extreme stalking, of extreme showing off and being too self-absorbed to have to share everything whether in words or in pictures, stop. Slow down before you get hooked. It has its pros and cons but for me the cons still outweigh the pros. Thank goodness for twitter - made 'quitting' bearable and easier.

Remembering Ondoy

A lot of Filipinos will never forget Ondoy. It was one of those calamities that placed the Philippines in the global news channels' headlines. Flooding is not uncommon to the Philippines given that typhoons come and go in the country especially during the rainy season. It's not always bright and sunny in the tropics: there's the dry season and the wet season. However, back in 2009 Ondoy dropped a ton of rainwater in the metro than what it's clogged estero's, rivers, drainage systems and shallow lakes could handle. Even those not normally affected by the flooding were taken by surprise. It seemed that everything happened so fast even before people realized what was happening. Our family was one of them.

It, however, was altogether a different story for me. I was on the other side of the globe and though I saw some friends tweets of how heavy the downpour was, it didn't occur to me the damage and the effect it would have to our family. While everyone was struggling to salvage what they can, to stay alive and pray for safety, I was out buying some boots from San Marcos outlets and sight-seeing in San Antonio. It was not until I got back in the apartment later in the day when I was able to hear news of the status of our family/everyone else/Metro. I don't remember being devastated yet at that time although the anxiety and worry was way too high. It was not until the next day after a long drive to Houston that I was able to talk to my mom and hear the sad news/status. Helpless. that's basically my side of the story. You can't help but feel guilty of not sharing the hardship and experience with them. You think about what you can do to help, how they can rely on you as an additional helping hand instead of being out enjoying. Though you try to do your part in whatever way you can, communicating to relatives, providing directions, augmenting financially, you somehow know that you missed out.

There went my car. You can see the roof because it was floating. No one got the chance to drain its battery. (It's been revived and working now though.)

I guess you could also say that we were just not used to these kind of stuff so it was a challenge for us. Filipinos being resilient and all, we managed to pull through. It was a wake up call for everyone I guess - to turn around the bad into something good. It could have been worse, but it wasn't. Bulacan, who's been badly affected by this past weather disturbances will also get up, just you wait. Maybe not as good and quick as how Japan does it but in our way, they, scratch that, we will.

A lot of Filipinos may have been forever marked by the experience, wounded probably but moving forward definitely. I may not be able to lay claim on what happened or relate in its entirety considering that I somehow until now feel an outsider looking in, having second-hand experiences about the whole thing but in my own way as would probably other OFWs out there probably always feel, it was also trying. Try wanting and wishing and wanting to take someone else's place just to save them from the pain, suffering and the hardship and not being able to do anything.

Is the world ending? Maybe, maybe not. Amidst all these calamities and other disturbances I guess we need to be reminded to take every opportunity we can to do and experience what is important, to love, to cherish, to live.

Complicated weird mess

I've built my walls so high and so thick that it's a maze even for myself to get through them. Sometimes, I don't even get me for my quirks and pet peeves that make up part of that wall. I can't help but contradict myself.
I try to see the good in every situation. I try to stop and think although of course they either come in too early or too late. Too early that I overreact when it comes or too late that I've already overreacted. I think too much but not in a good way. I'm too wrapped up in my web of weird, coward, proud, selfish, complicated ways to keep up that wall.
I kind of wonder how can really one get through? Who can get through it knowing that it's me who has to let someone get through it. Do I have to rely on someone finding any well-hidden cracks to get through? So far, my chances are becoming slimmer-close to nil considering my predisposition.
I should probably resign myself to a life of regrets and single-blessedness.

Snap for a Tune: Someone Like You

Someone Like You
Adele


I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead




Side Story: A year or two ago, I would have probably cried my heart out listening to this song. I can remember the tears streaming down my face whilst driving in Florida over the haze through a drawbridge with Chasing Pavements in the background. Then there was that California drive with Kathleen to/from Point Reyes with Almost Lover in the background amidst all the trees. Yes, I am that EMOTIONAL. Not right now. Not anymore since quite sometime now. No more tears.

Nonetheless, I can't help but be amazed and love this song for the level of emotion it is able to convey and evoke. The beauty of raw emotion translated into a simple song. "If you sound like that, all you need is a piano". I am no critic, but I gotta say, thank you adele for giving us such songs that somehow break through the songs using similar formula we hear nowadays.

Rough MSDS as of May 19, 2011

If one would look at an MSDS-like description of myself right now, one would find the following:
Emotional state: complacent but easily provoked
Boiling Point: low and can boil even at ambient temperatures
Emotional Stability: extremely unstable and unpredictable
Freezing Point: Restless and therefore will not freeze (although being frozen might do good at the moment)
Conditions to Avoid: confrontations, hopelessness, bad vibes
General Description: a volatile, combustible substance ready to ignite and explode.
Storage: Do not leave alone with emo music and long silences such as road trips with no conversations unless very sleepy.
Spills/Leaks: water level at tear ducts are at critical level. Likelihood of crying is high and running out of tears is low.
Extinguishing media: family, friends, pictures, trips, Fluffy, alternatives

Honestly, I am having second thoughts. Did I not analyze enough and am I entirely to blame for what I am going through right now? and so yes, I crashed and burned maybe due to my work ethics... but then again, all I can think of is... It's time... to help myself. I hope I do the right thing and employ the same thought and emotional process as I did before so I will end up with the right decision. And of course, please Father bless whatever the decision and support me as You always do.

Where do you go?

online hiatus

Now it can be said:
abstaining from eating meat was one thing I grew up with but fail to follow from time to time, so this year i sort of decided to follow a good friend's example to 'detoxify' and abstain from all these online vices. I guess you could say I'm too much of an internet/social networking addict. I've got to many online accounts and although not all of them are active it seems it goes to show how dependent I've become to these things.

First stop was deactivating Facebook. Needless to say, this was the hardest of them all and I can totally understand those non-believers. Providing them a reason for this unusual act was equally hard. I tried not to and I preferred not to but the idea I guess just didn't sit too well with others. So unless they came up to their own conclusions I sort of gave them one. Maybe it was partly out of whim or some selfish desire to be out of the radar and to feel missed but I'd like to think that for the most part it was really because I was getting tired of all the negative things about it. It was too much prone to misuse and abuse and a cause for me to lurk, stalk and gossip. Really, it was not that healthy anymore. a good deal of my time I'd be spending just to peruse through the news feed, updates, pictures of contacts etc. It was a good timing to practice self-restraint at that time of the year. Although I initially planned on getting it back up come Easter, it seems it's better to live without it a lot longer... Thus, I am extending it indefinitely. I DO MISS IT THOUGH and it is really tempting to reactivate it just to browse again and that stuff.

I deleted my friendster and i think myspace next. Refraining from posting here was also another one on the list though tumblr, instagram and twitter became my refuge. I love pictures too much whether of people, things or places or anything I had to have something to view and post things to.

I think I'm back on blogger though I kind of feel too tired for this thing now.