Saturday, February 23, 2013

Plans

For several weeks now I've been struggling because nothing seemed to go my way or how I wanted... A lot of plans no matter how small would come crashing sometimes at the last minute... Murphy's law has been hounding me it seems.. And sadly my health has been suffering at the most inopportune moment: during weekends. I badly need a break and an escape but even them have to be given up. I am trying to counter all these negativity that's been weighing and dragging me down but so far it looks like this is going to take awhile.
You make plans based on how you want your life to pan out and what your priorities are but there are those moments when life it seems have other things in store for you. It's like a tug-of-war pulling you in another direction. You try and resist it burdening yourself all the more. Giving in leaves you with the feeling of defeat and emptiness. In the end, it's better not to plan anything at all since none of the odds are in your favor anyway to avoid anymore disappointments.
Then comes the epiphany, that light bulb moment when you realize that there is nothing wrong with planning as long as you don't expect it to become an immediate reality. Life throws in a lot of surprises because sometimes our plans are not enough. God has something better for us out there and He wants the best for you, nothing less. Maybe your plans have to be given up because they are too complacent... And maybe there are some things that shouldn't be planned at all because they will just come along. Hope after all is the dream of a soul awake. In the meantime, plan along what you can and where you are being pulled at. And know that, we are all destined to be great! And then who knows, maybe lightning could strike... Hopefully...

My dear, I have to let you go... As much as I wanted to stay and have what was supposed to be my farewell set of awesome adventures, I have to move on. It was really short-lived and I thought that there was still so much more to do and experience. I can't thank you enough for all those moments. It was one of my best years, if not epic. My only regret is not being able to say goodbye. But who knows, I still hope I can visit you some other time... Now, I look forward to whatever great new adventures God has in store for me.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Struggling but lucky

Quite honestly, I am still struggling to deal with whatever has been coming my way since the 4th.. I can't seem to recover that my patience/tolerance is way too low it's easy to trigger the waterworks.. I guess you can say I'm broken for all sorts of reasons right now... I'm just trying to make one step at a time for me but I sincerely hope this will be over soon... I am tempted to give up at times already... Yes, maybe for some I am that weak but I am already trying to be numb and detached still I can take only so much right now..
Nonetheless, I am thankful for my support base - friends and family who I lean on. Although in this case I am trying to deal with it alone and less dependent on others unlike in the past...

Lucky to have sweet, thoughtful, caring and reliable friends... Thanks really!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

4.

Since high school, I've developed a particular fondness for the number 4 and considered it to be my lucky number. My reasons were quite shallow but nonetheless I held on to it as my favorite number. I didn't mind that Chinese consider this to be a very bad/unlucky number... The book I'm reading talks of a mental illness where 4 haunts the protagonist and symbolizes death...

Unfortunately for me, this was the date that God put me through another test... I'm trying to be strong and positive about things but so far it's been like one test after another... Everything seems to be beyond me and beyond my control. This is hard especially for someone of my personality who wants to be in control. I can't get a good grip of what's happening... I'm trying to just take it all in being a firm believer of the saying "Everything happens for a reason..". I need to have faith...

I know I can still take it but the only way I am coping right now is by just relinquishing control other than hopefully making that trip to say goodbye... Somehow, things are happening too fast, too soon though for me while I'm still recovering and reeling from that blow. I can't even take a moment to say 'hey, let me take a moment to figure out what I'm gonna do and where I want to go... ' I can't make sense of what's been happening so far. I know it doesn't have to but the fear that somehow the events and decisions being made by others for me right now may ripple into the future... I want to really say, "please enough now, please let me get my bearings first" but somehow I know all the more will there be tests. So, I'm just floating without a backbone... I am so lost, confused, disoriented and trapped in limbo right now. The problem is I don't know how to get out. Even the simple act of making a stand is hard because of my emotional instability and doing so might lead to further disappointments and the like. It's just all mixed/messed up. For now, I have to pray that whatever direction I'm being pushed to will do while I'm trying to figure things out...

It takes its toll sometimes and I find myself emotionally drained. It's overwhelming at the moment and I could sure use some words of wisdom and spiritual advice.

Quite a bad start, 02.04.2013. I will probably forget you but not now.

Saturday, February 02, 2013

you live, you learn

It seems that the only way for me to learn some lessons are through some first hand experiences... It's a good thing that I'm relatively a fast-learner..
Still learning, still blooming...
Bouncing back up. ^_^


"Please, please, please let me get what I want" - 500 days of summer OST
A friend (and a former crush) who I don't often see, made a timely comment on top of complimenting me... "ang tatanga ng boyS mo"... Timely, because I was struggling to stay strong and keep my head up during that time. Flattery was a good way to boost my morale. Sure, I may have made some pretty bad choices in the past but I don't have any regrets. Little by little, I think I'm improving.

P.S. this same guy also said that if I came in the picture earlier, my life would have been a whole lot messier... If I understood this statement correctly, then I am somewhat flattered. ahahaha :D