4.

Since high school, I've developed a particular fondness for the number 4 and considered it to be my lucky number. My reasons were quite shallow but nonetheless I held on to it as my favorite number. I didn't mind that Chinese consider this to be a very bad/unlucky number... The book I'm reading talks of a mental illness where 4 haunts the protagonist and symbolizes death...

Unfortunately for me, this was the date that God put me through another test... I'm trying to be strong and positive about things but so far it's been like one test after another... Everything seems to be beyond me and beyond my control. This is hard especially for someone of my personality who wants to be in control. I can't get a good grip of what's happening... I'm trying to just take it all in being a firm believer of the saying "Everything happens for a reason..". I need to have faith...

I know I can still take it but the only way I am coping right now is by just relinquishing control other than hopefully making that trip to say goodbye... Somehow, things are happening too fast, too soon though for me while I'm still recovering and reeling from that blow. I can't even take a moment to say 'hey, let me take a moment to figure out what I'm gonna do and where I want to go... ' I can't make sense of what's been happening so far. I know it doesn't have to but the fear that somehow the events and decisions being made by others for me right now may ripple into the future... I want to really say, "please enough now, please let me get my bearings first" but somehow I know all the more will there be tests. So, I'm just floating without a backbone... I am so lost, confused, disoriented and trapped in limbo right now. The problem is I don't know how to get out. Even the simple act of making a stand is hard because of my emotional instability and doing so might lead to further disappointments and the like. It's just all mixed/messed up. For now, I have to pray that whatever direction I'm being pushed to will do while I'm trying to figure things out...

It takes its toll sometimes and I find myself emotionally drained. It's overwhelming at the moment and I could sure use some words of wisdom and spiritual advice.

Quite a bad start, 02.04.2013. I will probably forget you but not now.