not exactly... guess it just crossed my mind whether or not i chose well or did the right thing... i thought i did but seeing how blank my canvas is right now, i can't help but wonder... where is the good karma? did i expect too much for something in return? did i misconstrue a request for a sign/validation of how right the decision was through something good coming along? and by good i mean so good, it's something i've been waiting for so long... because come on really, my age is catching up on me and i'm not getting any younger... starting to panic and get desperate possibly. i know pathetic. or maybe THE DECISION WAS NOT MINE TO MAKE in the first place. THERE WAS NO DECISION TO BE MADE. right at the beginning, i was at the losing end. Maybe i did win something, for sometime i felt good, i felt hurt, felt alone, felt betrayed, felt angered. became strong?
now that i'm back to square one, i can't help but hold on to those memories.
i.miss.you... and our conversations. maybe even whatever it was that we shared...
i can't help but feel that... sometimes, the control slips and when i hear things that make me remember, i miss... maybe i am in my weak, sorry state where self-pity is high. i wish you were somebody else. someone i could freely have daydreams or fantasies of the future. someone who could have actually freed me from my miserable state... I hope this distress call is heard and one day, there is still that someone. for me. someone. to call my own. "here comes my man..." please let it be soon... i'm really losing hope... :(
I don't say regret is all i feel. Several times, i've fallen or thought i have or maybe just liked but seeing how happy they are now, I can only but say it wasn't meant to be. I hope it is the Lord's will for me to enjoy life and share it with someone... please let there be hope for someone like me.
*this is probably the most open i've been considering how pathetic everything is here... but i guess that's just how sad i am and sorry for myself. so if you by any chance come across this, don't mock me and move on to the next website or what-not... thanks!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 05, 2010
same old same old...
so it's been quite sometime since i last updated this blog... i guess what with all the different online sites that i have, they've been more than enough for me to air my rants and raves. current favorite among them is of course, twitter. so anyway, while i am still feeling lazy and waiting for the file transfer to finish (so i can get on with reinstalling etc.) i will try to write something here. not that anybody actually knows and reads this (anymore)...
25. If you have to ask me, I honestly don't think that THAT is a large number or that I am old for that matter... but then again, how can i not forget that I am actually older than what i'd like to think of myself to be when everything else around me says otherwise...
I can't exactly say that my life has been uneventful. That is very ungrateful of me and I feel blessed for all the things that the good Lord has given me... However, if you ask about my personal life all the details are useless because they in the end all come down to this: same old same old. It's just like trying to use crayons to color a picture that's already been painted. i don't know why that thing that i crave and think is lacking in my life in order to help me move on to the next phase of life and adulthood is much too elusive... for all i know, i have no regrets for the decisions I made or for some at least i have come to accept that if there were missed opportunities, they simply weren't meant to be... Probably some will argue I have never really known IT if I had not been driven mad enough not to use my head? Is being sensible really such a bad thing? Sometimes, I think that it's hard to be me. I can't help but (again) think that if it were somebody else, they would have ended up with the exact opposite decisions possibly unconsciously leading to THAT. But then again, that wouldn't be me right? I mean, I am the very person why some people gets pulled into my gravity. this is the same reason why i seem to shy away from situations where i think someone has a false perception of me and likes that. See what I have to go through? Even in writing I think I can psychoanalyze myself. I am not saying that I get to see every side of the coin or the cube or whatever n-dimensional figure you can think of. The point is, is there hope for me? Is there somebody out there who can put up with this? Who can make me fall? and more importantly unearth all this?
Defense mechanism. I am not exactly the most amiable character in the planet and i have the tendency to shut other people out or at least hide the real me with different facets of me depending on the situation and a thick-sturdy wall. Everytime that something happens to me, somehow that wall seems to grow in height and in thickness... :( Something's got to change, something has got to give... but for who and what reasons? As we age, the challenges that we have to deal with gets harder and harder. The most recent one was of course the hardest and I am clinging to the hope that I did the right thing. hopefully that will earn me enough credit for that one thing that I've been hoping for, for so long...
Hope is the dream of a soul awake.
25. If you have to ask me, I honestly don't think that THAT is a large number or that I am old for that matter... but then again, how can i not forget that I am actually older than what i'd like to think of myself to be when everything else around me says otherwise...
I can't exactly say that my life has been uneventful. That is very ungrateful of me and I feel blessed for all the things that the good Lord has given me... However, if you ask about my personal life all the details are useless because they in the end all come down to this: same old same old. It's just like trying to use crayons to color a picture that's already been painted. i don't know why that thing that i crave and think is lacking in my life in order to help me move on to the next phase of life and adulthood is much too elusive... for all i know, i have no regrets for the decisions I made or for some at least i have come to accept that if there were missed opportunities, they simply weren't meant to be... Probably some will argue I have never really known IT if I had not been driven mad enough not to use my head? Is being sensible really such a bad thing? Sometimes, I think that it's hard to be me. I can't help but (again) think that if it were somebody else, they would have ended up with the exact opposite decisions possibly unconsciously leading to THAT. But then again, that wouldn't be me right? I mean, I am the very person why some people gets pulled into my gravity. this is the same reason why i seem to shy away from situations where i think someone has a false perception of me and likes that. See what I have to go through? Even in writing I think I can psychoanalyze myself. I am not saying that I get to see every side of the coin or the cube or whatever n-dimensional figure you can think of. The point is, is there hope for me? Is there somebody out there who can put up with this? Who can make me fall? and more importantly unearth all this?
Defense mechanism. I am not exactly the most amiable character in the planet and i have the tendency to shut other people out or at least hide the real me with different facets of me depending on the situation and a thick-sturdy wall. Everytime that something happens to me, somehow that wall seems to grow in height and in thickness... :( Something's got to change, something has got to give... but for who and what reasons? As we age, the challenges that we have to deal with gets harder and harder. The most recent one was of course the hardest and I am clinging to the hope that I did the right thing. hopefully that will earn me enough credit for that one thing that I've been hoping for, for so long...
Hope is the dream of a soul awake.
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