just one blunt comment was all i needed to hurl me back to reality and make me realize i've been reacting incorrectly - in such a way to invite not avoid them... that night the stars twinkled...

ride the waves but don't let the current control you...
don't let your guard down if you're not ready to be exposed...
danger lurks out in the open, so be prepared...
and if you should fall, get up...
withdraw and fallback, then reinforce your walls...

i got carried away... thanks for the reality check...
... this is why i'm becoming numb...boo me! but i can't deal...i'd really rather not...

MIA...

and the countdown begins... not really... but on my way home when i cut review class to get my facial earlier and to arrive home well before 8pm, i suddenly realized that it's just like two more weeks of review and then the post-test... it's hard to discipline oneself and juggle work and review and nothing more... goodbye amazing race?CSI?treasure hunters? saturday family day out? huuuuuuuuuuu.... but at some point i know i really have to... but it's hard since i am trying to squeeze in extra work hours. i know i am only paid as much but my pace somehow cannot keep up with my deliverables... it is encouraging though that my parents are very supportive of me... well, for them to say "konting tiis na lang, pagtiyagaan mo na", and to say that my dad was able to do it on his own without the aid of a review center and that he did it in more or less a month, i would say it's a toss between encouraging and nerve wracking! hello pressure!!!! i've got barely a month to get my act together... and it's so nice to hear that my batchmates who decided that opportunity is not something you just let go of, are thinking of postponing taking the exam!!!! but in as much as i want to postpone too so that i don't have to deal, i can't... and I hope I have the blessing of the Lord in this decision. i can only delay application for NBI clearance (Cha, if you're reading this, I checked the PRC website nothing there states that we need one but Erwin I think mentioned that it is an exemption for us! i can only wonder why?!!!!), having my "mugshot" (is that how you spell it? too lazy to check, in a hurry to "scan notes" but itching to blog)...

anyone out there reading this, please include me and my batchmates in your prayers. to my batchmates, may God bless us!

as for work, I'm really having trouble keeping up. i am really doing what i can to measure up with the expected workload but somehow i still find myself lagging behind at the end of the day. considering that i almost don't chat anymore, scan blogs, etc... but on the light side, i feel more at ease now with my team mates... i'm just a bit concerned that they're pairing me off with this person and that... it's nothing really to me and take it as nothing personal and all part of office dynamics (interrelationships) and as best as i can ride along. but it has come to my attention that should i not react negatively or dislike/distaste in what they're doing my image might suffer in the long run. rumors can get pretty nasty. remarking: "ano ba yan, para na akong pokpok" may do little to communicate to the rest of the world that i'm not a flirt! i know it really should not be a big deal. it's just good that somebody warned me early on so that i can also warn others in the process. not everybody knows me well enough but everybody's a judge of someone else's character and i cannot always go on explaining myself to them... proactive monitoring lang... :D

***all i can hear is my mind talking... but i have to hear my heart as well... there's so much noise i can't hear it... or i could feel it reaching out to me yet i choose to ignore and pretend to be deaf...***
***i think i've become numb again and closed my doors... i know it, i'm waiting for you to let me feel it... it seems texting ain't enough...***