silver part 1 - "emo"

in just a few hours in the philippines i'll be hitting silver... damn! it's getting to me...

so the incubus concert didn't push through...
i'm missing my friends and family
i'm feeling paranoid, judged for who i am
feeling bad for the prolonged exposure and the possible tolerance that will eventually wane off and can lead to people talking behind your backs...

emo-ness...
i just feel so bad right now... :(

really want to go see them...

incubus
hahaha akala mo na kung ano... well i can still hope that i get my passport before monday so i can probably watch them somewhere more convenient... (there's the other requirements i guess) wishful thinking...

*fingers crossed. wish me luck! hopefully this pushes through...
also contemplating on a japanese visa? hahaha ASA!

after all, we're only human...

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind

trivialties

post in progress

walking the familiar path from glorietta to RS

huddle room. whenever i felt like it, i'd get myself one of the huddle rooms in the floor and lock (well not really lock) myself up inside. Sometimes, i really feel the need to be alone or exclude myself from others. then i'd proceed to communicate with others via ST or MOC.... sometimes, these huddle rooms also turn into mini-sessions when those closest to me would also stay holed up in the same room... the walls had ears but there we felt free to talk and rant galore... the closest thing i could get to that right now is hibernating in the lab... sometimes, i really do miss those huddle rooms.

ST or MOC.

shuttle rides. got my first taste of "bangenge" because of this. haha wonder when i'll get to drink "bangenge" again...

coffee talks.

wednesdays! lol! i especially looked forward to these non-wfh days for our team because I get to sit near the other team that is sharing the same floor as ours (note we only occupied half of the floor that time). Obviously we were trying to squeeze everybody in and thus due to the limited space by the time we come in the spaces available are somewhere near the other team's. This gives me an excuse to sneak peeks or at least from where I am seated I have a pretty good view of my crush! LOL! fun times... of course some of my team members figured this out and teased me about it but they tolerated it. of course not all wednesdays are fun which is why i end up locking myself in one of those huddle rooms. well, not really lock.

"WFH" aka tipid mode and working from somewhere else or extended breaks. just make sure you're online in ST/MOC... and the delayed reply wouldn't be THAT delayed... ehehehe

belgian chocolates this is one thing i definitely miss. Whenever any of our counterparts will come visit us or somebody from our team coming home from "site assignment" from Belgium so to speak one can sure expect a box or three of mouth-watering belgian chocolates. I am not really a fan of chocolates but it was fun trying out the different kinds/flavors available. And I especially liked this gesture because to me it seems thoughtful and in a way diminished whatever barrier there could have been between them and us. It kind of brings a certain level of comfyness and closeness with our 'teammates' from Belgium. Of course we make sure that somebody brings back dried mangoes to Belgium which is something they also love.

working while tipsy. this is one specific situation i can't forget. went on a half-day VL so I could join peeps for a few rounds just near the area. after several rounds of (pink lady ata yun from 121) a page came in ata basta i had to go back despite the fact that i was already on VL. it kinda sucked that the tipsyness waned off sooner than expected because i had to work but i had fun just reporting for work in that state and trying to "work". can't remember if my Team Lead knew about it or i sort of had to pretend. I could remember though that my head was spinning at one point. hahaha

hontoni gomenasai

in trying to protect myself, i end up hurting the people around me...
in trying to avoid getting hurt, i end up inflicting pain to those who are dear...
and then i wonder
why i feel bad?
once the dust settles, the realization dawns and the guilt takes over
always i hope it is not too late
and in the end, i brought pain, hurt to myself.
self-inflicted.

i hope this will all be over soon. admittedly, i am no longer able to handle things well and the more i am plunging into the pit of chaos. before i lose any dignity and respect left, may this come to pass. for what is left of the hurdle, i hope i can keep it together. i am tired.

minna-san gomen...

patience running thin...

edit: I feel better now. just had to vent out. Lord, thanks for the reminders, signposts, checkpoints and for friends... all these kind of puts everything into perspective... this frustration shall pass and I'll get over it. Life goes on and Everyday is a gift ^_^

i have to get this out of my chest

i was really craving for something
so much i was willing to trade something potentially big or should i say something i was also waiting for, for the other...
where's the tradeoff now? so much for complaining and now i'm left with nothing...
guess this is to remind me to count my blessings
and not to trade something that was not even in my hands...
this sucks... big time...
seriously my patience is running thin...
sick and tired of...

yeah deep down, i am disappointed, frustrated... affected...
life...

time to play those happy tunes
arashi
perfume
bob sinclair
jai ho
etc

***below is an outcome of a pep-talk with someone... thanks!
"just got frustrated about it but it's more on me ending up empty-handed
like i said where's the trade-off
but i'm just trying to think that maybe what i want requires something bigger so maybe this is just part of it
so i just have to bear with it
just have to rant i guess..."

anxious

so right now, I'm really anxious about all sorts of things...

I'm scared of the coming weekend. I'm trying my best not to set expectations but I can't help but keep my hopes up. I hope I won't be as unlucky on this trip and eventually everything will be alright despite all the negative vibes surrounding this trip...

I'm paranoid that I've made a mess of some things... i hope this will not be taken against me or bring me bad karma... i feel like my insides are being turned all over but partly I am glad for this feeling... for some time now I actually felt stone cold... at first it felt nice but eventually it sucked... maybe all these is leading up to something... to prepare me... to allow me to take the plunge... but nonetheless it makes me feel alive, aware and get to the point to feel myself being ready... with whom? to be honest, i dunno... i know right now that deep down i am wishing for either one of them... the first maybe primarily to take me out of this mess, if only he'd look my way... the second, because it's not right and it's giving me the creeps... I'm hell scared, paranoid and anxious right now because of it... Nonetheless, I have my doors open... I'm open to the possibility with someone else if only... if only they'll be more assertive... if only they strike the right chord... I'm not choosy really, you just have to find a way to get through to me... when you've done that maybe things will fall to place...

sweet escape...

i want one
no make that I need one!

someplace where the scenery's great, the sand, shore and water's nice and get tan lines (ok the last is a plus)

the parentals wouldn't let me go out today/tom or basically this week though... guess it's never really been our practice to make holy week some sort of a vacation/holiday or something.

gonna be my sacrifice...

but after this i REALLY hope i'd get to go to some beach...

waiting...

so what's gonna happen now? i guess i'm really just a passive participant in this life... just watching and waiting... if you need a push, help me decipher signs because really i'm a very slow and naive person...

ouch!

i need to stop dreaming ("still dreaming")... it ain't that bad but there's still a little ouch there... still this is good coz i think through this i know i am human... capable of feeling and it somehow helped me to open up a bit...

proposals, engagements and weddings

all these proposals, pre-nups, engagements, and weddings are getting to me... i'm tempted to post this on facebook:

joyce wants to settle down and get married... oh wait she doesn't even have a boyfriend yet (since birth) how much more a groom? oh well, life...

when will it be?

i wish...

soon...

in His time...

always like this...

i'm always like this... i want this but it's starting to get bad and out of hand... damage control has to kick in...
if i don't it's gonna start to hurt soon... =(

when will it be me?

deep down i'm wishing there's something... there's more... oh well me and my overactive mind... this has got to stop...

it's a start though, at least i know i'm still human capable of feeling something... maybe i shouldn't really close my door shut and let the breeze come in... who knows? In His time... let His will be done...

it's like i waited my whole life for this one night...
pardon while i burst into flames

end of outburst. bow... spare me, this is rare....

"You are stubborn, rigid, complicated and neurotic."

i didn't know i could be summed up in those four words. although i can think of other words such as bipolar, volatile, moody, clumsy, analytical/logical it kinda hits home eh...

and yeah fickle pala and right now there's something bothering me because deep down i wish... (and yes this is another story)

i didn't think it was possible...
and yet...
God is great...
in Him nothing is impossible...
Thank You Lord!

right now, I shouldn't have anything to complain... but still i wish that besides friends and family I have that someone I can share this joy with...
in His time...

i am watching everybody's life pass me by...
such is the tragedy of my existence...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i don't want to be alone...

i'm starting pick myself up again...
although i haven't hit ground zero...
still i'm falling...
i'm wondering if i should let this be for once...
but i don't want to waste...
and watch people go...
i don't want to be a waste...
why am i drawn to complicated matters...
please be patient with me...
only time will tell...
Lord, please help me...

deep down...

out of the blue i felt like browsing over my old xanga site earlier today and boy did i enjoy myself. It was fun rereading old posts dating as far back as 2004. Back then we were still on dial-up so it's either I was putting up with the modem speed back then just to post entries OR i would do it in school where net was faster...

It's refreshing to read all those old posts again. I can't believe I was able to write that way before. For some reason, I think I was way more creative in my writing back then. As such, I promised myself I'd make it a habit to write more even if it's about trivial things... Of course, as is usual most of my posts were on emo overdrive... maybe next time i'm going to repost them here so that everything's centralized... there's this one particular line that really struck a chord:

"I've been and still afraid to get hurt. I am much more contented in not taking any risks at all... but by risking nothing I lose everything... God bless me... Lord, please help me..." -July 6, 2006

... still the same... deep down... here i am again hiding in the confines of the open to the public web...

Of course, the rest of the posts were a bit too long for me to quote them here. Reading all those emo stuff however, made me feel all the more emo though. i've been quite unstable for sometime now. Most of it is due to the stress bordering on burn out and tiredness craving for a break and a vacation. For some reason I really feeling like escaping. It's as if nothing's holding me back and I can't find any reason to stay... A change of environment is such an enticing thought to me right now. However, unlike in my first job where I felt like a prisoner wanting to get out ASAP, this time around it's a bit different. I simply feel as if I don't have enough reasons to stay... I mean I still like what I am doing. I like the people I've met and grown attached to... I just can't place it... or maybe that's just it. I still haven't found my place. Deep down there is that gnawing emptiness, a void that is nowhere near getting filled. Maybe I feel that whatever I have now is not going to fill that. It may mask it, divert it but not fill it. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all the many gifts and blessings God has given me. I consider the people, the work, the environment- all as gifts. I guess it's just that I am not so sure where this is taking me and where I am headed. The short term goals are there but somehow it's just matter of time. It's just like prolonging the uncertainty. I guess I haven't really thought of what I want to do next... What I really want to fulfill and accomplish... Is this what they already call as quarter life crisis?

I usually am busy going out and meeting up with friends but sometimes it does get really tiring. While I enjoy myself a lot as these meet-ups are supposedly a chance for me to unwind and loosen up somehow it also tends to highlight something. Despite the "busyness" and the flurry of activities, despite being surrounded by people... I am alone...

yeah, i got it bad. it's downhill again for me...

*hoping and praying for the best... things will get better...

**why do i seem to have this nasty habit of having misplaced emotions... wanting solace and comfort from the wrong person...or expecting/wanting too much when i couldn't give anything yet or when i shouldn't... nope i don't need a bump in the head. i can manage this... maybe just a pat in the back once in a while to serve as a reminder...

dreams...

things i want/dream to do before i die... (in no particular order)

go on a Euro tour
go on a Japan tour
go on a Carribean cruise
go to South Africa
watch an F1 race
watch an F1 race in Monaco
pose for a pictue with kimi and schumi and get their autographs
watch Arashi in concert
watch arashi in any of their shows (TBS)
meet Arashi and pose for a picture with them
go on a vacation in Amanpulo/Maldives or other exotic places
fall in love...
get married and settle down...


*wishful thinking*

EMO MODE!!!