so right now, I'm really anxious about all sorts of things...
I'm scared of the coming weekend. I'm trying my best not to set expectations but I can't help but keep my hopes up. I hope I won't be as unlucky on this trip and eventually everything will be alright despite all the negative vibes surrounding this trip...
I'm paranoid that I've made a mess of some things... i hope this will not be taken against me or bring me bad karma... i feel like my insides are being turned all over but partly I am glad for this feeling... for some time now I actually felt stone cold... at first it felt nice but eventually it sucked... maybe all these is leading up to something... to prepare me... to allow me to take the plunge... but nonetheless it makes me feel alive, aware and get to the point to feel myself being ready... with whom? to be honest, i dunno... i know right now that deep down i am wishing for either one of them... the first maybe primarily to take me out of this mess, if only he'd look my way... the second, because it's not right and it's giving me the creeps... I'm hell scared, paranoid and anxious right now because of it... Nonetheless, I have my doors open... I'm open to the possibility with someone else if only... if only they'll be more assertive... if only they strike the right chord... I'm not choosy really, you just have to find a way to get through to me... when you've done that maybe things will fall to place...
