Silver linings

There's always something in life that tests you, the limits of your patience, your strength, faith, character. Even in the midst of support, you yearn for the more familiar, your family, your beloved, your loved ones and closest friends. Even though grateful, sometimes you still feel more alone than ever and it drags you down. And during those moments, you blame yourself, for stepping out of your comfort zone, for biting more than what you can chew, for leaving and you just wish you could just go back. 

Nonetheless, amidst all the hardships, struggles, suffering, pain, fear, weakness, buckets of tears, at the end of the day you are blessed. You have friends to make you laugh, family to support you, a soulmate that sticks with you and loves you no matter how much of a monster you turn into sometimes. And you look up to Him and hope, and pray. You keep on living, always watching out for that silver lining.

Relocation diaries: Why am I here?

I've been here for more than a year now (give or take if you count vacation time back in the P.I.) and it's been great. I have a more comfortable and convenient life. I didn't even realize how comfortable because of how I've been trying to maintain the same standard of living as I had in Manila before moving here with more savings (for a debt I'm trying to pay off and for the wedding). I think I only bought two nice bags and one watch which weren't even that expensive considering I am a sucker for GOOD deals. That hit me hard last year though as I was partially trying to save up some money to refinance the car I bought and had incorrect tax deductions. The money I saved up for refinancing purposes just had to be paid back to the government. (*sigh) Hopefully, I wouldn't have to pay additional $$ for taxes.

My job has allowed me to meet all sorts of people, most of the time interesting and nice. Of course, there are those that you'd rather not meet again for a second time. It has given me the opportunity to travel and have taken me to multiple States mostly in the East/MidWest. Mixing business with leisure I got to also meet friends and family as well as landmarks. I do like what I do, the continuous learning process, the fact that stress levels only last for a week and you start again afterwards for a new batch of trainings. I am lucky and grateful where I am now.

However, not everything is perfect and I live a mostly solitary life right now. I escaped my comfort zone in the company of family, loved ones and close friends for the above and the promise of an adventure. I thought that I could replicate or outdo the experience I had in Korea. To meet and hang out with awesome people, to try dancing, to try hiking, biking for miles and miles, to push myself to the limits, to be carefree. Why do I find it difficult now to socialize and embrace an activity instead of confining myself in this dark and empty apartment? Why have I become so lazy and picky? Drinking and partying is not really thing. I'd rather go exploring or finding new things. I should start somewhere and I know just the thing.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom came over for a visit. I am recovering right now from juggling between work and entertaining and things in between but I miss having her around. It suddenly just hit me why did I leave it all behind. But then again, as she said, you can't have everything. Maybe just maybe, if I were just thinking of myself, I'd just pack my bags and head back home after my bond is up. But as it stands, there is that future, of marriage and building my own family. Regardless, I believe that no matter which choice we make, He will be there with us for the journey. For now, even as I struggle LDR included (I terribly miss being with him), I have go back to the routine, to be able to be my own source of happiness and not to depend on anyone else. I am happy of the time my mom and I got to spend and bond together. We've had our share of ups and downs, but somehow I feel that as it should, that bond between mothers and daughters is stronger.

I am here to grow, maximize my potential and share God's gifts to me. It has in some ways helps me to prepare of what's to come next. And I look forward to it, as long as it is with him, who continues to stick out for me, who never gives up on me. 

Searching for a Wedding Coordinator and updates on major suppliers

So, since I am in the midst of planning a wedding overseas, the likelihood that the entries here will be mostly about wedding preps in the coming months are high if I do get to post at all.

It's been a struggle and I have gotten into arguments here and there considering my perfectionist and controlling attitude despite the fact that I don't have access to see first-hand the tiny details. I take my time to do some research before I can make a decision since it's different from actually say attending fairs, speaking with the suppliers and seeing what their outputs are. Thank goodness for w@w and other friends who I get to rely on for feedback and comments.

Setting the date was easy for us because I had wanted a wedding when the Church is already set-up for Christmas so it was either before or immediately after. Due to vacation leaves constraints it is also best to have ours during this time to maximize the company's holiday shutdown schedule. The availability of the Church (non-nego for sentimental reasons) pretty much dictated the exact date which comes the day after he asked for my hand in marriage. This was of course still an issue due to availability of extended family members but I figured we'd appreciate it if they can make adjustments for us. We'd make adjustments for immediate family members but due to my situation as well we'd want it within the said timeframe.

The caterer was also a no-brainer because the h2b has a preference already and I was pretty much ok with it as well. I've seen their work and their food are good as well as their styling.

The videographer we got for a good rate/discount because the photographers I had wanted were on the expensive side. (at least for the budget we set) He was also very responsive to my inquiries and h2b liked his videos as well. Coincidentally, he was the same videographer for a colleague back in 2013. I can still remember aerial shots were new at  that time and I liked his work also for the same Church.

The photographer, looks like we are getting somewhat a more expensive one which we didn't expect and could only dream of. We got a good discount and some freebie which got us excited considering his mark in the wedding industry so went ahead. I am having some apprehensions though because I am somewhat intimidated now of the glamour shots that I am seeing from his posts. I am not sure I want those. I think I like candid shots more and some special effects (bokehs, creative lighting) than glamour shots. I am not sure if this will become a fit for us in the end. :(

Those are the major ones for now. Of course, we've made good progress on some others but it has come to my attention that I also need to prioritize on the coordinator as the value for money ones look like they are already full or would not accept bookings on our wedding date. Now, this seems to be very critical because apparently from research and my perspective they are more than just directors or assistants running the show on the day but they will also be your decision makers, troubleshooters, managers, and even representatives. As the wedding date gets closer there are a lot of details to manage and having them ensures help for the legwork and to not miss on the small things because they've been doing it a long time.

It seems to me I want more from them than what the typical ones usually offer. I somehow feel that the budget ones will execute what you've thought of and not go beyond that. I want someone I can trust and will have an authority during the day. However, it seems that this will come at a price. Do we want to spend money on it, on something we cannot see or the level of details and coordination needed will not be necessary to avail of their expertise and service as we have a relatively simple one? Also, I have someone back home (namely the groom) who can manage or oversee things considering he is from the Marketing field and has been setting up events somewhat. I am scared I might stress him out though because of the things I want. It's interesting how my concept of the budget can change when I find someone that I like and it is through referrals based on our similarities in taste and criteria. I have managed to win him over and him being generous and understanding has given in to my struggles. And yet, deep down, even though I know I want to have them for our wedding and they will lighten the load and stress for me, I acknowledge that they are expensive. I know I have the ability to stretch my own budget to pay them out of my own pocket but I am hesitating knowing what the groom's thoughts and feelings are. He is aware of my struggle and he is asking me to compromise, to submit to him which I believe is part of our journey - of what will be our marriage. So even if he has given me the Go Signal to pursue this coordinator, I am having second thoughts, re-evaluating, checking for options.

And then, I came across a post which included this line:

"18.) Never base your love on monetary things. Will you still submit to him even if you earn more money than him?"

That hit the target I think. So I might have to let that coordinator go. I may have found another one which is still somewhat over budget but hopefully may be a good compromise for us. I will have to consult and hear his thoughts about it. Hopefully, this will all work out. There's so much I have to fix with all my attitude problems. I started this whole planning process on the wrong foot and I am only now backtracking, taking a step back, trying to keep an open mind, be less sensitive/emotional and aggressive/irritable about it when things don't go my away. I guess, I was a bridezilla in some ways.

Tiny Details

It's so easy to get lost in the tiny details of everything.
-tiny details in the wedding planning like working on other things
-tiny details in date schedules
-tiny details in setting expectations

Trouble is coupled with extreme emotions, the tiny minuscule details become magnified 100x or more. Such is my flaw but the last two weeks I was given reminders on the following:

1. Why do I dwell and get swallowed up on the doubts and fears rather than trusting and having faith in Him and the partner He has chosen for me? I should have a little more faith.

2. The tiny little things can be nothing and the big things can be the tiny little things especially since he has been that way for me ever since. I have my annoying, irritating traits and shortcomings as well that he's brushed off or accepted.

3. He's a fighter and I am thankful for every battle he fights with or for me.

***
Wedding planning has been an overwhelming task for me especially being sometimes a control freak. I'd like to see and experience the tiny details before I make decisions. When shopping, I bide my time such that my mom complains a lot. I would not even try on clothes and just skim through the racks until something eventually catches my attention. My mom's point, you never know unless you try. The other thing, once I see something I like, I'll get stuck with that idea and none of the others will quite compare to that.

I've finally managed to put up somewhat a checklist and organize our files a little bit. This dress shopping is stressing me out though and I'm getting a little bit tired of it, something I want to be done and over with as soon as possible. And yet, I can't seem to make a decision on the details of who, where, and what. Hopefully, the next couple of days will be more productive on this matter.

How to ask if someone is engaged

It's about 3 weeks or 20 days since a certain Jedi placed a little something on my left ring finger and though I have not worn rings for the longest time ever (I've never worn my college ring.), I am getting used to it. It's also been quite a journey to getting married and planning a wedding which I should probably try to document as well. 

The first couple of days since I came back to base, I think I was a little self-conscious about it such that sometimes it felt like I was bragging the ring and waving it into the air. Not that I'm not proud, sometimes, I'm really just a wallflower and just want to blend in or stay low-key. Besides I wasn't sure if it was still natural the gestures that I was making. Of course, it can't be helped and the rock became the center of attention. 

Besides, my boss who I directly made the announcement, the rest of my colleagues who noticed had different ways of asking. Obvious ones were:

"Did you get engaged?"

To

"What is that on your finger?" To which I smilingly replied, "It's a ring." :)

The most interesting one was:

"miss joyce, I notice that you have a new hardware on your finger." There was nothing else to say on this one but to say "I got engaged over the holidays!" Talk about being in the (pre-dominantly male) engineering industry. :)

Thank you for putting a ring on it or should I say a new hardware, Mr. P.

Stay Open

Once upon a time a drama queen decided to make drastic moves with her career because of golden opportunities. Deep down, she was longing for companionship but would not let it stop her from living and experiencing what life or her career has to offer. 

But then He had other plans and someone came along that made her heart beat, excite her senses and take a leap. And so the story began. And things just fell into place just as He had planned, in His time. 

With His grace it will be a journey of a lifetime. No one expected it, no one anticipated but things happen for a reason.

And as they say, "stay open. Who knows lightning could strike." And it did.

She is thankful to the Lord for His wonderful gift, for having a jedi to share a lifetime with, for giving her a good and honorable man, for having a responsible, patient, understanding, loving man with a high EQ not just love her but balance her. She is happy and in love. She can't wait to be with this man and take that journey of a lifetime as Mrs. P.