so it's been quite sometime since i last updated this blog... i guess what with all the different online sites that i have, they've been more than enough for me to air my rants and raves. current favorite among them is of course, twitter. so anyway, while i am still feeling lazy and waiting for the file transfer to finish (so i can get on with reinstalling etc.) i will try to write something here. not that anybody actually knows and reads this (anymore)...
25. If you have to ask me, I honestly don't think that THAT is a large number or that I am old for that matter... but then again, how can i not forget that I am actually older than what i'd like to think of myself to be when everything else around me says otherwise...
I can't exactly say that my life has been uneventful. That is very ungrateful of me and I feel blessed for all the things that the good Lord has given me... However, if you ask about my personal life all the details are useless because they in the end all come down to this: same old same old. It's just like trying to use crayons to color a picture that's already been painted. i don't know why that thing that i crave and think is lacking in my life in order to help me move on to the next phase of life and adulthood is much too elusive... for all i know, i have no regrets for the decisions I made or for some at least i have come to accept that if there were missed opportunities, they simply weren't meant to be... Probably some will argue I have never really known IT if I had not been driven mad enough not to use my head? Is being sensible really such a bad thing? Sometimes, I think that it's hard to be me. I can't help but (again) think that if it were somebody else, they would have ended up with the exact opposite decisions possibly unconsciously leading to THAT. But then again, that wouldn't be me right? I mean, I am the very person why some people gets pulled into my gravity. this is the same reason why i seem to shy away from situations where i think someone has a false perception of me and likes that. See what I have to go through? Even in writing I think I can psychoanalyze myself. I am not saying that I get to see every side of the coin or the cube or whatever n-dimensional figure you can think of. The point is, is there hope for me? Is there somebody out there who can put up with this? Who can make me fall? and more importantly unearth all this?
Defense mechanism. I am not exactly the most amiable character in the planet and i have the tendency to shut other people out or at least hide the real me with different facets of me depending on the situation and a thick-sturdy wall. Everytime that something happens to me, somehow that wall seems to grow in height and in thickness... :( Something's got to change, something has got to give... but for who and what reasons? As we age, the challenges that we have to deal with gets harder and harder. The most recent one was of course the hardest and I am clinging to the hope that I did the right thing. hopefully that will earn me enough credit for that one thing that I've been hoping for, for so long...
Hope is the dream of a soul awake.
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