second thoughts

not exactly... guess it just crossed my mind whether or not i chose well or did the right thing... i thought i did but seeing how blank my canvas is right now, i can't help but wonder... where is the good karma? did i expect too much for something in return? did i misconstrue a request for a sign/validation of how right the decision was through something good coming along? and by good i mean so good, it's something i've been waiting for so long... because come on really, my age is catching up on me and i'm not getting any younger... starting to panic and get desperate possibly. i know pathetic. or maybe THE DECISION WAS NOT MINE TO MAKE in the first place. THERE WAS NO DECISION TO BE MADE. right at the beginning, i was at the losing end. Maybe i did win something, for sometime i felt good, i felt hurt, felt alone, felt betrayed, felt angered. became strong?
now that i'm back to square one, i can't help but hold on to those memories.
i.miss.you... and our conversations. maybe even whatever it was that we shared...
i can't help but feel that... sometimes, the control slips and when i hear things that make me remember, i miss... maybe i am in my weak, sorry state where self-pity is high. i wish you were somebody else. someone i could freely have daydreams or fantasies of the future. someone who could have actually freed me from my miserable state... I hope this distress call is heard and one day, there is still that someone. for me. someone. to call my own. "here comes my man..." please let it be soon... i'm really losing hope... :(

I don't say regret is all i feel. Several times, i've fallen or thought i have or maybe just liked but seeing how happy they are now, I can only but say it wasn't meant to be. I hope it is the Lord's will for me to enjoy life and share it with someone... please let there be hope for someone like me.

*this is probably the most open i've been considering how pathetic everything is here... but i guess that's just how sad i am and sorry for myself. so if you by any chance come across this, don't mock me and move on to the next website or what-not... thanks!