Let go

We're heading into the Christmas season and I'm definitely heading from busy to very busy what with all the trainings going on starting this week. I guess that vacation was a way for me to store up on good vibes. Maybe next time I'll get to post our itinerary and the Bicol trip. Hopefully, now that I have a multiple entry visa for the next three years, I get to visit at least every autumn. It's definitely my favorite season but I sure would like to go snowboarding one time. Just you wait friends! For some reason,  I've lost interest with other nearby countries because of this one I used to call home even for a brief period only. 

Anyhow, just wanted to write this post to mark a decision (which I hope to keep) to unburden myself. I'm normally fine, content and happy but of course there are those moments that I end up jaded and lonely. I guess I have to let go of that dream and maybe just start to accept that it might not be for me after all. I don't want to be pessimistic but I guess I just don't want to find myself jaded from time to time. If it's His will and part of His plan then it will come until then I'll just live my life and resign myself to the possibility of being one of those not meant to find someone. And I start this by letting go of everyone even those who I feel paranoid to be avoiding me (paranoid gets you only when you are invested/attached to somehow).

Consider them as a parting and thank you gift.

Autumn colors

Hands down, autumn is really my favorite season. But because I live in a tropical country, I didn't get to appreciate it until I was assigned for work in South Korea last year. As one saying goes, it is that time when leaves become flowers. Autumn colors through leaves dying gives the scenery a boost plus the crisp clear weather. Ahhh... I am so thankful for having had the chance to experience it once again. Until next year (hopefully)!

Call me (insert name here)

In a few days time,  I shall be going broke and in debt to my parents (thanks ma and pa for letting me borrow saving me from that interest rate!). And I will be finally taking home a brand new depreciating pollutant. Much as I don't really need to buy one and the one I'm using is good for another two or so years considering it survived Ondoy, for various reasons I've decided that now would be a good time as any other (for the family especially the sister and dad, and for being practical and not aiming for an SUV. Would have to leave some things to a guy... Hopefully...)

Nonetheless, since this is my first real purchase (the old one I was using I just bought at a family-friendly second-hand price from the parentals), I thought i'd give it a name. I'd follow the bandwagon and choose a guy's name. I've thought of several but I'm still undecided which one i'd go for.

1. Brett Harvey

2. Barney (HIMYM inspired)

3. Robin (again HIMYM inspired)

4. Ted (yes, i love HIMYM!) 

5. Nick (new girl)

6. Vince

Whatchathink? I'm actually excited and looking forward to driving an automatic even if it's not really an upgrade to the one I'm using now. *hint *hint.

2014 to do list

Well, 2013 ain't over yet but I find myself starting to set-up goals on what I want to do for the following year. The weather for the rest of the year might not be a good time for me to actually achieve these goals as well as the travels (both work and leisure) that's already lined up plus the monetary restrictions. This will probably be a list in the making or a just a dream list but nonetheless, I sure wish I'd get the chance to do them one day.

(listed in the order that I deem more feasible to the least feasible ones for the year or maybe in my lifetime)

1. Stand up paddleboarding in Coron or El Nido.

Got the idea while browsing through the in flight magazine of Philippine Airlines en route to Shanghai. I've always wanted to explore the many nooks and crannies of our beautiful, tropical country and Coron or Palawan has always been something on the list (among other which I would probably list down below). Who wouldn't be drawn to the idea once you see this picture (or similar to what was in the magazine)?

photo grabbed from http://www.suptoursphilippines.com/ website

I'm all the more enticed after seeing this picture. I've kayaked a couple of times already and it is tiring. I bet this one will probably be all the more tiring. Nonetheless, I'm up for trying something new. It's for the experience and the visuals! Hopefully, I get to squeeze this in my schedule next year... and I get to have someone tag along to take me an awesome picture like the one above. haha

2. San Juanico Bridge Run

The San Juanico bridge has been part of my Philippine history classes since back in elementary years and although I haven't been there I get the sense that it will be a scenic run. It is not the longest bridge in the country spanning just 2km  but it connects the islands of Samar and Leyte. As per Wikipedia: "It is considered one of the most beautifully designed bridges in Philippines". It should be a short run but well the scenery might make the run longer than it should.

photo grabbed from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/03/San_Juanico_Bridge.jpg

3. Europe trip

When I first started thinking about what I want to do next year, this was still feasible. I thought that I'd just try and visit three countries/cities like Amsterdam, Paris and maybe Milan or wherever. I was thinking along the lines of backpacking and couchsurfing and crashing at a friend's place in Amsterdam. But priorities have suddenly changed so this may be something that has to wait and I have to work harder for (unless I find that other silent prayer and fervent wish...)

As much as I'd like to set more out of town trips even locally, my current role requires me to also travel a lot in the Asia Pacific region (especially southeast asia) so I wouldn't have much time to go on those local trips but any trip in good company be it friends, family or maybe a special someone will always be nice and appreciated. :) the ones below are more like wishful thinking for now so I won't elaborate anymore:

- back to Boracay
- Batanes. Need I say more?
- Anawangin
- Cagbalete, Caramoan, Calaguas, Matnog take two.
- sky dive
- watch the F1 Grand Prix (Monaco would be the ultimate) somewhere in Asia especially since the Ice Man is back with Ferrari and you have two world champions on the same team. That will make up for an interesting season and races I bet.
- Japan tour
- Maldives

Flatline

I've loved and I've lost... No regrets there. You live, you learn. You win but sometimes you also lose.

No pain, no gain. It's just the natural order of things. What's important is that at the end of the day, you know that you've lived to seize that day!

I'm alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic!

One time, while the pilot was announcing that we had to go back to the terminal after being airborne for just a few minutes because of some problem, I thought to myself well, anything can happen. Plane rides have become too much of a happenstance to me that the dangers and fears that normally come along with it no longer bothered me. Sure, there were turbulent flights but not so much that I didn't feel safe. But at that time, although I was far from panicking or agitated or even anxious, that was the closest I've become to a mishap involving airplanes. The thing is I didn't feel too attached if anything did happen to me. Sure, I have my hopes and dreams but for some reason I thought I just surrendered myself freely to Him. Either that or I was going through something at that time. I don't think at all it's the latter. Nonetheless, I can't really be complacent with my frequent travels and I have to hope and pray for safe travels in as much as I pray for successful work execution.

Lucky and blessed

Life is beautiful indeed if you learn to count your blessings and appreciate what you have and not what you don't. Trials and suffering either make you miserable to no end or make you stronger and better helping you to remember Him and the many other reasons to keep smiling even through the tears, the hurt, the failures and the pain. Hold your head up high, stay positive, don't give up hope, have faith and trust in Him... keep moving and push on forward..

Definitely feeling the love, appreciation, sense of accomplishment right now. Thank You!

This is how I roll nowadays... Lucky and blessed indeed!

Definitely Asian

My nationality has been deceiving and locals from neighboring countries tend to think of me as a local and automatically speak to me in their local language. If I keep my mouth shut chances are they would assume I'm either:
1. Chinese - while in Shanghai
2. Korean - while in South Korea
3. Chinese, or Japanese - while in Myeongdong (Seoul). Sales ladies would call my attention in Korean, then Chinese, then Japanese if I don't acknowledge them. The last thing they'd do would be to speak in English although they have this natural aversion to the language.
4. Chinese/Thai in other SouthEast Asian countries
5. Korean - at the airport when flying Korean Air
6. Singaporean - in Manila just because my co-instructor was Singaporean.

Definitely Asian but more east asian than SouthEast probably. Coupled with a few compliments I am really flattered and thankful. They give me the confidence boost that I somewhat need considering the insecurities I've had to deal with in the past weeks... :)

Lone ranger

And so it begins...

One of the reasons I moved into this role aside from the many obvious ones was because I was not ready to give up travelling. I have been blessed enough to have travelled relatively a great deal because of my work. In my 6 years of stint with this company, I've been sent to Texas, Florida, China, Singapore, Indonesia, South Korea, (Australia if I didn't change roles). Those travels have opened opportunities and doors of all sorts for me that I really find them enjoyable in their own ways. Don't be mistaken that they are stress and problem free but it is better to just look on the bright side of things. I get to meet and interact with people, cultures, traditions and environments without breaking my bank.

I'm just in my fourth month in my new role and already I've been to Malaysia twice, Singapore, Brunei, South Korea and now in Shanghai. For the first time however, I am alone and such will be the usual case in my next travels. The solo adventures begins and I intend to enjoy and maximize it the best way I can. Although I don't have much time to explore getting to meet people has so far been really interesting and enjoyable for me. Making friends and connections in this great big multinational company is fun. I have already two travels scheduled for the next two months and the title, Travel Engineer only seems too apt. Nonetheless, I can't really complain. Ask me again after maybe a year but right now, I like my job.

Life has been good. I am definitely blessed and spoiled by Him that all I can think of the trials that I go through is because He has better things planned and in store for me. It might eventually become monotonous and the travelling might be too much or tiring, so I don't know how it'll be after a year. Also, I don't know how I will have a family of my own but I hope and pray that is included in His plan for me. In the meantime, I go where He wants me to go. Thank You!

You

I was going to write a long litany of thank you for being there, for being a security blanket. I've become too dependent on people when it comes to these things that maybe people are trying to avoid me and my emotional baggage. Right now, I am trying my best to pull myself together without calling for help even though I'm on the edge of another breakdown. As the quote puts it, cry but learn to smile through the tears. I've wasted so much tears on this already. So this is what unrequited love feels like...

Nonetheless, inappropriate as it may seem, the thought of you there helps me get through this. My self-esteem and confidence is really at its lowest but hoping that you're still there for me uplifts me... I hope if God wills it, you'd still be there after I get through this... 

Solanin

Solanin - Akfg

Even if that frail happiness

Had somehow lingered on

A bad seed would surely have sprouted

So I guess this is goodbye

Goodbye, that's enough

You can cope anywhere

Goodbye, I'll manage somehow too

Goodbye, that's what I'll do...

Ja ne!

First love...

Too many thoughts, realizations, overwhelming emotions sometimes ironic: bitter and sweet, happy and sad, painful and peaceful... For old time's sake, being back in Seohyeon, revisiting/reliving bits of my old life, it's deja vu. Probably March was not the proper goodbye I had hoped to make for closure. now, I might finally be coming full circle - closing the loop. In His perfect time, it finally is time to really move on. Appreciate things for as they are and not as they were. But treasure the moments turned great memories. Now I see, it's not really about a boy or boys... It was really just about me and Korea, our 9-month love affair. I guess Korea is my first love after all. Korea will always have a special place in my heart...

Favorite things

So today, I managed to put up that display cabinet... finally, I must say! So now, the globes I bought and received from all over are finally out of their boxes or wherever there was space to put them in. The lego minifigures are also out of their foil packs although I don't really intend to collect those as there are too many (expensive and some hard to find) of them.  One stitch and larva had a place to stay too! I look forward to more globes and other thingamajings that I can add but nonetheless, I thank my friends for indulging me. Maybe a matryoshka and haechi would be nice. Definitely more liao's please (especially from Turn Left, Turn Right)! We'll see.

*that Cuervo bottle was used to store the sands I somehow snagged (unwisely) from Caramoan although me and Jose have quite a history so you can also say he's an accidental favorite. 

Deactivate!

So on a whim, I decided to deactivate my facebook yet again. I doubt it that I'll be able to keep this deactivated for a long time but for some reason I'm terribly feeling anti-social today. I guess I'm too selective that even if we know each other I don't want to be connected. Sure there are ways to restrict but somehow I still feel like being connected makes you lose a bit of what's left of that little privacy of what you want to share in facebook... It's enough that it's an avenue for topics/non-topics and you're basically putting yourself under the microscope. I am too weak-willed to decline the requests as well, especially if (I feel like) I've ran out of excuses. Somehow, there are people/acquaintances you want to remain just professional contacts with. Now, I'm pondering what I'd do moving forward considering the role I chose. It's inevitable that people may want to 'stay connected'. It would be good if they just try and look me up because that will somehow lessen the chances of finding me. The problem is if they ask me if I have an account. Either I say yes or no. No, whether being a lie or not leads to people making conclusions of your being too secretive or anti-social behavior. Saying yes, leads to requesting for you guys to stay connected.

Call me an alarmist but I'm seriously freaked out that somehow, someone has more access than I want them to. I've already modified my settings prior to this but somehow, I suddenly feel I should filter some more if not block or remove all posts. On top of that, I don't even know how that ticker (if that's what you call it) privacy can be controlled. And with that, the easiest would be to deactivate. This is a temporary solution but I've done it before, deleted it even so I think I can do it again. Some things never change probably and maybe that includes my attitude of wanting to keep things compartmentalized... Of course, I don't like that same feeling as well, which this deactivation is also able to address temporarily. Although I'd say I'm just too darn confused right now.

"I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown..and I don't know why" I managed to fall asleep after deactivating but then some few minutes or hours after I wake up agitated and my heart beating fast but more like palpitating. For all I know, there's a part of me that wants to run away and hide due to plain cowardice and weakness. From where or who and why, well that's the problem. There's really nothing to run away from. I should really go back to sleep...

"Suppose I say, I'm on my best behavior..

Would you want me when I'm not myself?.."

Summer 2013

As May ends, so does summer in this tropical island I call home, as well. In the past two years, I unfortunately did not get a chance to explore our many beaches here as I usually do as most locals here in the previous years. 2011 was mostly spent on personal overseas trips while 2012 was spent in vanity land for work purposes. This year, I think that somehow I was able to make up for it.

1. Sorsogon-Legazpi, April 2013

A DIY backpacking trip with my mom and sister. In a nutshell, it consisted of kayaking and trekking at the Bulusan lake, dipping in the Irosin hot spring, island hopping in Matnog and ATV driving near the Cagsawa church ruins. I've been to Caramoan and Calaguas but Matnog was just as great. There's so much to see and experience in the Bicol region that one visit is not enough to get through them all. It's also cool that I got to visit these places while they weren't that popular and developed yet... There's a certain charm on being able to visit these places without the luxury of urban amenities... Hopefully, I will get the chance to share our itinerary because blogs have been very helpful for us when we were trying to put them together. Of course, having friends from Bicol to provide tips and insights also helped a lot.

2. Hundred Islands, Alaminos, Pangasinan, May 2013

It's probably my third time to visit and although it may not be as good as the others, it's still worth visiting considering the proximity to Manila. It is still a relatively long drive, about 4 hours, but this can make for a quick weekend escape. The highlight was in being able to visit a 'virgin' island which did not have any structures in it, unlike the others to cater to tourists/visitors. Quezon Island was too crowded at that time so we opted to bum out in the nearby Lopez island instead.

3. Liw-Liwa, San Felipe, Zambales, May 2013

An off the beaten path that is way less crowded, not overrated, laidback and certainly not commercialized hideaway to bum out and learn skimboarding/surfing. The vibe is very friendly and again forget luxury, simple living is the rule here. I'd definitely want to come back here just to chill out. Another highlight was just hanging out on those boulders and being able to see a shooting star for the first time! I definitely enjoyed my time here, in good company of course. It was funny and amusing seeing an atv there too considering the inside joke...

"I dig my toes into the sand...

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless

And in this moment, I am happy..."