Paranoia, Worry and Vanity

If paranoia, worry and vanity could kill, I'd probably be dead by now. Most likely more because of the former two than the latter.

But a little self-indulgence for vanity's sake... Thank you for the compliments. I need it so I can suck the positive vibe they bring bone dry and boost that dwindling reserve of optimism, patience, confidence and faith. I am flattered really. Keep them coming! :)

Sent from my iPhone

What happened?

 

I was at this club last night, and thoughts of you ran through my head. At one point, I kind of searched through the crowd hoping to see you there. Why did I not go crazy like I did last night when I was with you? Why did I not loosen up when I was younger? Oh yeah, because people take advantage of it and it seems my best interest is only safe with my college buddies.

Anyway, it's not like we've gone out a lot but I guess I can't forget the fact that this was how we bonded. Well, aside from the fact that we shared a ride most nights back then. I liked you then, probably a lot to the point that I'd consider those bonding sessions as a little more than that - a way to enjoy your company. Funny how I started to like you over a glass of an alcohol-laden drink. The word still sticks: "analytical".

I guess conversations get me a lot but not to the point that intimidates the hell out of me. Just enough to show your interest and thoughts of what I think of as my complexities.

I had thought there was something there. I wanted for something to be there but maybe I was just dreaming, maybe I was too dense and foolish or maybe I was just put on the spot too early. Or simply maybe it's not really a match and my time has not yet come. Still I wonder what happened?

2011 Reading List

So I finally got to finish The Time Paradox and thanks to powerbooks sale I have new books to devour. Finally! it sure has been a while.

-Incarceron (my first ever hardcover book and I want more! How about a library?)
(-Sapphique : i got the ebook as i couldn't wait)
-Mortal Instruments Trilogy
-Zahir
-Night
-Hunger Games trilogy
-Love in the time of Cholera

Hopefully, there'd be more like Harry Potter (oh yes i haven't read a single book from this series) and The Atlantis Complex.

Call it even(?)

I've moved on
Now I see
You've also moved on
And I am happy (relieved).
Oh yes! We're even!
You have your life back
I have my life
Or do I?
But are these only imaginings
Foolish thoughts
Hopeless
Anxious
Restless
Pathetic
Are we even?

Sent from my iPhone

Death and Dying

I found myself writing notes for three different people to express my condolence on their loss of a loved one. While I am not exactly friends or family with all of them except for maybe my High School teacher who i was fond of back then, all times I struggled to write something other than condolence or copy another's note. Why is it hard to find the right words to express my empathy on a personal level? Somehow condolence doesn't quite capture it and seems overused, generic and impersonal. I am not sure if it's right to mention the words loss, sympathy(which technically expresses pity), sad and difficult time. I guess the best way would be to say that they are in your prayers. Let's take a moment

Eternal Rest grant unto the souls of our loved ones (no longer here with us) Oh Lord
And let perpetual light shine upon them
May they rest in peace
Amen.

And for the living:
Make us strong and Keep us in Your love as we go on our life's journey.

On another note, it is not uncommon for me to think of death or dying. My vanity is a huge factor or so it seems as evidenced by the choice I made or the thought I had when discussing dying by drowning or burned alive. While one was thinking of the suffering involved in either case and another on what will happen to their loved ones, I was thinking that none would look good afterwards. :D However, with my manner of driving I kind of think that my risk of dying is high which would also be a mess. 

I am not suicidal nor I am ready to do so but sometimes it seems an enticing thought, if only to realize your worth or lately if only to make work go away and give you breathing space. Now that's pathetic.

Happy Vday everyone! 

Until I have someone to celebrate it with I guess it's just any another day for me. You could probably say I just don't get it. how about make me then?! :D

Snap for a Tune: Love Like Rockets

sunset at Anna Maria Beach (or Holmes?) 11.28.2009

Love Like Rockets
Angels and Airwaves

I held my head as it left the ground,
The belts grew tight as the blast grew load,
A loving wish whispered in my ear,
Please lead with grace, all the best my dear,
Yeah, It's like

I held your hand as I pulled you in,
Your lips sealed tight, ready to begin,
I kissed you first, then you kissed my ear,
If I ask you once, will you ask me every year?

Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine)
Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine)

The Sun it set in the night time sky,
The stars they cast a glow upon my eyes,
The Earth itself a burning ball of light, yeah, it's like
And our first love was ignited late that night

Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine)
Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine)

The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound
The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound
(Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine))
The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound
(Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine))
The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound
(Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine))
The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound
(Do You Feel Alive? (Imagine, Imagine))
The stars in your eyes light up the sky with thoughts, light and fire and sound

Snap for a Tune: Brand New Day

as the day breaks over Utah's skies on the way to Houston. 12.27.2009

Brand New Day
by: Joshua Radin

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down at me
And bathes me in it's light.

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass.
When I woke the world was new.
I never had to ask.

It's a brand new day.
The sun is shinning.
It's a brand new day.
For the first time in such a long, long time
I know I'll be okay.

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last.
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past.
Yeah, you make your past your past.

It's a brand new day.
The sun is shinning.
It's a brand new day.
For the first time in such a long, long time
I know I'll be okay.

This cycle never ends.
You gotta fall in order to mend.

It's a brand new day.
It's a brand new day.
For the first time in such a long, long time
I know I'll be okay.

confidential for a reason

imagine this: everyone knowing the offer and starting salary and the increase(s) after that of batchmates and lower batchmates. In my case that was my reality and it sucked. Salaries are confidential for a reason, I knew that first-hand.
Fast-forward to 2011: salary is shared to a very select few in utmost confidence and security. The slightest hint that somebody might have known it especially a batchmate by accident leads to paranoia. If that accident is your fault, you somehow hope that the other person, more so a senior with treat it with respect and act professionally not enquire about your age, correlate that with your salary and intentionally slip the digits to another colleague from your same circle. yes, it is human nature and apparently he is not that type of person so the only alternative left is to appeal to his discretion directly for the digits to remain a secret and confidential as they should be. It should have been an obvious and given fact but considering the person's nature you hoped that would help drive the message: YOU ARE EXTRA SENSITIVE ABOUT IT, YOU WANT TO DROP THE ISSUE AND KEEP IT A SECRET.
The person then goes on to apologize not for the act of revealing the digits indirectly to someone else with some statement like "XXX is doing well at XX, i mean xx(age)". It's hard to imagine whether or not he/she pities you with that statement but what the heck, why does it matter to you anyway? You are already way up there. The person instead apologizes for placing the payslip on your desk. No apologies for lying publicly of not seeing the digits as well. Did somebody just miss the point?

*it is tempting to report this incident just to let people know that not everything are to be taken as a joke. When I say extra sensitive you have to be serious and professional about it.

getting a taste of outlet store shopping

By now, our counterparts have grown used to our crazed shopping habits at outlets whenever anyone of us are sent on assignment. When asked for our activity for the weekend, it's no longer a surprise for them when we answer in chorus: "shopping".

Cha was asking me how much Coach bags can go for when on sale in the US. That got me reminiscing of my outlet store shopping experience. Being a sucker for deals, I was in for a treat and enjoyed every minute of it. I guess for now I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. And yes, I went crazy. In 4 months, I visited round rock 3x, San Marcos 3x and the one near Bradenton 2x. I don't think I ever went home empty handed though I had to restrain myself during the latter parts of my assignment lest I risk exceeding my baggage limit. I originally thought it was 70-70-50. On the last day I found out, I can actually go for 70-70-70. Too bad!

watch out for the sales!

a 30-minute drive from where we were at

apple store @domain

i thought you'd only see this in binondo! (fyi: trying to joke here)

in a hurry eh?

why hello coach!

after one whole day: the loot

FML Day (1 for 2011)

It's another one of those FML days... Though I've made a decision that there should be less negative vibes this year, this early I'm so having trouble trying to keep up... I need this change so much but the situation is testing me much more than I can handle... 
I hope things start to look up because I'm really drained... To the point that I want to disappear if that's the only way to make everything go away... I guess it's also due to the fact that I have trouble turning my back on it even though I'm worse than an urban poor struggling to make ends meet... i keep wishing for more time but it's such a luxury right now.

Hopefully, this outburst makes things a lot bearable for last me this week. WTF, please be kind... I probably need to seriously consider my options soon...

On another note, somehow I find pictures as a healthy diversion... i love it actually.

Online diary

Chanced on some of my posts dating way back 2004 and amused at how much have changed and have managed to stay the same.
The style of writing has changed somewhat and so did the topics or subjects(i'd be too biased to say that it has improved). However, for the most part it's the same old mundane day-to-day personal experiences that wouldn't exactly interest anyone out there. It's way too emo and personal mostly. Hopefully I get to improve on that. But what the heck this is my blog and it's not like i'm trying to earn money through this.
Tumblr is still way too tempting though...  a friend had a point though I need to upload pics on time before i sign-up for another account...

Shared songs

A lot of songs remind me of you and the imaginings in between. When I do nowadays, instead of tearing up like I did back then, I smile. I guess I am living up to the saying: "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

I will admit I kind of miss them myself but can you blame me?Iit's not often that anyone stirs up that sort of emotion from me and make me think it's real. It's been a while after all and the latest at that. The take away is at least even if for only a fleeting moment, i was happy, and i felt loved. I have to keep the faith though and remain optimistic. I receive what is given and savor what I got. After all I am blessed and should be grateful. In His time...

"time I have taken
I pray is not wasted.
have i already tasted
My piece of one sweet love?"

***different songs remind of someone different sometimes.

Firework

I didn't really mind this song when I first heard it or the next time after that, or the next, or several airplays later. To me, it was just another Katy Perry song, catchy. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against her songs, it's just that you hear them too often on the radio, a lot of them in fact to the point that I don't feel the need to get my own copy anymore. You see, hearing them on the radio once in a while is enough. For me the whole point of having your own copy is when you get into this mood where you want to listen to something. I guess Katy's songs never fell into that category for me.

But then, I started really listening to this song... and when the meaning of the song dawned on me, I couldn't stop raving about it. I had to share it to well my facebook network. haha Well, apparently, there were a couple of us out there who thought it was just another catchy Katy Perry song (possibly a love song). Little did we know it was more than that. Soon after that realization, this was my morale and stress booster.



Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin
Like a house of cards, then blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you?
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!",
You're gonna leave 'em all in down-awe-awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
You're gonna leave 'em falling down-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time you let it through-ooh-ooh

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
You're gonna leave 'em all in down-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon




Apparently, that's not the end of the story yet for this song. Enter Boyce Avenue's cover of this song. It's not just a morale booster anymore. It's now a love song that can turn you into mush. (at least for me that is).


Isn't it obvious, I just love this song?! :)

Planning for 2011

Because they said that resolutions are more or less empty words, I'll opt to say that thus far these are the plans for 2011.

1. Smile more. Stay positive. Less "sungit". I can't say less stress but hopefully more grace under pressure.

2. Continue saving and maybe start investing in something-anything.
Since the business/franchising option is a bit on the difficult side and I hit a wall on that last year, I'll try a different approach. first step done. Now the hard part understanding how it works and actually starting with it.

3. Diversify. Explore alternative options.

Right now, I have zoned in on one possible option for me. I am still groping around on how I will be able to go about this though. I am very much interested and somehow this is something I figured would work and is doable. *fingers crossed.

4. Indulge while still keeping up with item #2.
This part I would say I have real trouble right now. My savings are actually at stake right now because of this. I think even if I forego one trip I am still not sure how I'll be able to manage without compromising my savings.
For starters, there's the Sagada trip which hopefully will push through. Maroon 5 concert on May (but we intend to book as soon it is possible, starting January 20 to be exact). HK trip with Mama. This is a special request by Mama, for me to treat her on a trip abroad. Of course, how can I not give in considering the fact that I also want to go someplace too. Problem is I'm spending for two this time and not just myself. If for myself I can easily manage but for two hopefully I'll be able to pull it off. Worst case would be I'd have to loan from my savings.  All these expenses need to be paid at barely the end of first quarter so good luck to me.

5. lovelife for 2011. hopefully all that positive energy will help to make things be in my favor but God-willing of course. I don't want to force it, anticipate too much and get too anxious about it. I am just hoping that it is time and I'm worthy of that one great love which I've been hoping, wishing, praying and waiting for. Hopefully, I'm also capable of it.