system malfunction

feel as if a raincloud has been hovering over me since last week (or maybe even since the start of 05. But I may be focusing too much on the bad daaays but lately...)... Wish it would go away... The sooner the better... Don't think I could take anymore mishaps...Misfortunes... Am just so drained... Even crying - my favorite outlet - is taking a great deal of energy from me... *sigh* DEMET! (read: damnit) still got an exam later... Not very hopeful... Need a tutor.. Need a break! goodness! ... God help me, pleeeeeaase!

to be honest, after that episode wherein I figured in a minor accident, I've always imagined myself getting involved in an even greater tragedy. It's as if the picture is so clear inside my head. It's as if I want to actually experience it. Know what it is? While driving, and when the roads aren't jammed(think: freeways) I imagine that I'll(the car with me inside) BE hit by any other vehicle traveling at the very least at 100kph! My gosh! I don't know what's gone into me. But I always think of the same thing while driving, that sometimes there's this stupid nagging feeling for me to try it and see what happens. Must be really stressed out (coupled with F1 addiction)... pro the impact, the collision, it really intrigues me... And sometimes, deep inside I wanna die... Though I know I am not yet ready...i don't consider myself as suicidal though...

P.S. wish me luck guys. really need it plus prayers... or even a miracle... just so downright depressed or if not utterly sad...

UP ALCHEMES' aCaDeMiCs ComMiTtEe:PoNkaN na PonKan :)

haay

been a very lousy driver lately. at ayun nabangga ako today... my fault really... dami aq shado iniisip... ang utak q lumilipad... and then bang before i knew it wasn't able to brake on time at nabangga na ako. no major damages in the engine pro was in a ruffled state... i'm losing my composure... which makes me wonder is this some sort of a sign na i'm better off not to run for ChE rep? sobrang pressured na ako... i don't know na tuloy what direction tuloy to take... opportunities abound... will i be a coward? or will i take up the challenge? but what exactly is the challenge? to rid myself of this time and energy-consuming not to mention distracting and mentally draining task of weighing my options and gauging my capabilities, the easy way out is not to run for ESC. forget i've got plans for anything else and just concentrate on my acads. but... waah... im confused! demet--(read: damn it)!

God help me. Help me to make the right decision, one that is in keeping with Your will not mine. Bless the decision that I'll make. I do hope that whatever it is, I'll be able to handle it and it will not be self-serving but more importantly all for Your greater glory...

God is still so good to me, despite my shortcomings. there's still so much to thank Him for. one of which is that the accident i encountered today was a minor thing, some sort of a sign-a wake-up call to be extra careful before i get hurt big time! this is isn't the first time that He gave me warning signs especially about my driving (been very aggressive and careless), maybe i need to learn my lesson. though not in a very hard way coz the other party involved was almost damage free so i was kinda off the hook. whew! Gonna get through this i know... how? i'll manage through His help of course. wish me luck guys!:)

guys, sorry kung mejo OA ang dating pro dat's what i really feel right now, after all that's been happening to me lately.

***million thanks to my relatives abroad for accommodating my dad and giving us lotsa gifts!:) happy happy joy joy!:)

saya!

Am quite excited for the arrival of my dad tom. although sanay kami na madalas wla si papa because of his work-related out of town trips, we are not really that used for him to be gone this long -- 18 days plus the fact that he didn't spend the holiday season with us. Bahay lang tuloy kami... sad... sana this summer meron naman na.:) anyway, excited din ako coz sabi nga nya dami nyang pasalubong for us courtesy na rin of our relatives there. Ehehe:) yey!:) niloloko nga namin sya nung bro ko na we're goin to skip class tom e, hehe:)
I'm also happy for my brother coz my bro passed the ACET. First choice pa na quota course! Tiklop ang powers ko! BS Applied Physics with Applied Computer Systems! Double degree! Should he get in there and finish it e aba baka iwanan nya pa ako!:) problem is sobrang mahal ng tuition dun! E non-existent na ata ung eduplan na kinuha nina mama for him. Sure pass na sya sa UST, pro ung course na lang ang hinihintay but im willing to bet kuha din nya first choice nya, BSECE ata. So ung sa UP nalang tlaga at last pa ma-release ang result. I hope he gets in, pra may murang alternative. (Ateneo/UP) UST kasi ala atang prob sina mama dun. Well, anyway congrates and keep it up bro!:)

as regards dun sa "worthwhile posts ko" next time na lang. gonna work on it offline and pag dami akong free time pra maayos tlga!hehe:) just have to be reminded though...:)

jammed

my mind's on a turmoil right now. There's just too much that's going on inside that I need to unload. Although I do a lot of thinking, it's not often that these thoughts reach the portals of this site. Not that I don't want to share it, but it's just plain chaos inside that the very act of organizing would take a lot of my attention or rather time. I'd rather air it out verbally and in so doing, organize and make realizations sometimes at the very instant I utter a word. But then again I thought that a lot of what has been said here were mostly about trivial things or occurrences. It's high time once again for me to write something worthwhile. The problem still remains though, of the underdeveloped thoughts I have where I should I focus my attention first and put it into writing? I need to give myself a little more time and maybe by then the cloud of ambiguity will be gone. Besides, right now the need to study overrides a frustrated/hopeless writer’s need to well uhh... make an appearance before peaceful slumber gets in the way.

flash

skipped my second class for the day, EEE1 in order to go to BOI and DTI in Makati. hehe:) must say napaka-convenient tlaga ng MRT3, especially sa mga engot2 gaya ko. un lang, cramming na tlaga. the report is due tom. na!waaah! strict pa man din prof ko, unlike ung iba... *sigh* wonder if i'll be able to get some shuteye today. have class from 9 to 7:30 tom. pro may break naman ng 10-1. can't skip the last one kahit na make-up clas xa kasi un din ung class na absentan ko kanina, pag nagkaton 3rd absence ko na un.tsktsktsk! hehe ;)

tulala

for the past two years, come christmas time i'd have this nagging feeling of loneliness and emptiness. i used to just stare blankly into space, feeling the longing... sometimes when the longing gets too intense to handle, i would often find myself already crying. So in order to get a hold of myself, I amuse myself with all sorts of stuff particularly that of socializing, although my social/night life was practically non-existent back then. So well anyway, it was kinda surprising coz didn't feel such a thing this year. Maybe was too busy and preoccupied to even remember the longing. Hehe

to: 09275353090, 09214102506, 09264529817 just quit sending messages pwede. Nakakairita na. And I'm no longer interested na malaman kung sino kayo. I have a hunch na hindi tayo friends and hindi magiging friends. I repeat quit it! Magsawa ka! Takot na rin akong malaman kung sino ka kasi feeling ko hindi kita like! (why else would you not identify yourself diba? Hindi tayo in good terms dati un lang un!) don't say u weren't given a chance.

A moment's prayer for those affected by the tsunami. let us all be thankful for we are still given another day - chance to live.

again

yep, im at it again. C-R-A-M-M-I-N-G! i know, ang nerdy ng dating coz hello xmas vaca ngaun. pro have to force myself into acad mode na, otherwise sleepless nights na naman. at least now have the chance na bumawi ng tulog. it's 4:30 am na!!! still a lot more to do. all sorts of stuff: school, chores, social, eat, sleep, rest etc. haay... M.I. A. na naman ako mamya sa lakad ng HS friends ko. haay... sad.

pasko na naman

yep, it's xmas once again. sobrang bilis. kinda different for us this year. we celebrated a lil early(Dec. 22 to be exact) coz alis dad ko. sobrang hectic tuloy, after eng'g week xmas rush naman. nakabili naman ako gifts, pro except for the two cd's i purchased wla pa tlaga akong nabili for me-self. hindi kasi ako pede sa rush and dami tao. shado choosy/arte.hehe:) anyway, aga celeb namin coz my dad's not gonna spend christmas and new year with us. which effectively makes me the family driver. hehe:) (kakapagod!am required pa to wake up early!waaah) di bale, may kapalit naman to(sana). sna in the form of a fossil watch, issey miyake, and discman.(hirit pa tsaka new bracelet for my other Fossil watch. ung plastic type kasi xa e mejo faded na. pro ung mismong watch ok pa. sayang naman.) :) anyway, gotta rush. it's almost 12 midnight. (Christmas eve) and marami pa akong dapat batiin. sa iyong nagbabasa nito, merry christmas.:)

last night

at natapos na rin ang eng'g week 2004. gaya ng inisip ko hindi matatapos ang linggong ito ng hindi ako mamaos. for the sake of the org nga naman oo! our candidate, maella jabongga was great! though he este she pla(miss engg nga) didn't receive any award pra sakin the best pa rin xa. proud pa rin ako sa kanya coz no joke nmn ang sumali sa miss eng'g. besides ang ganda nya!!!!!!!!!sobra!kakain-love nga e. hehe:) kakatibo!hehe:) FYI:ang miss eng'g ay pa-contest ng mga tunay na lalaki --->bawal bading! na mag-cross dress at mag-asal babae beauty contest style. ultimo swimsuit meron. o db?:) anyway, at kahit pagod at puyat ang mga tao dahil sa pag-career sa EWOC---pagsali sa minor events, pagpunta sa mga night events at ang sumisingit na academics(hehe), na sobrang nakaka-low batt e sige pa rin sa pag-cheer!yan ang eng'g week. either BSEng'g week ka at lahat ay sasalihan mo na pumapasok ka lang para maglaro sa kung anu-ano or studyante pa rin na may org na tinatantiya kung kailan aabsent at hindi pra maglaro.hehe:) bukod sa nakakadrain ng energy, nakakabutas din ng bulsa. pro kahit na, k lang nmn kasi enjoy naman. and i am really proud of my org because though we missed two night events(indakan and awitan) we were still able to make it to 6th place from 9th place last year! and to think that the ALCHEMES is way too young compared to the other orgs being just almost six years old while the others were like 50, 69 etc. that's the spirit. Our motto for the Eng'g week was ALCHEMES HAVE FUN and we did. there were instances though na napikon kami and medyo "nakipag-away" pro ayos na. nacorrect na ang mali. Still a lot of room for improvement, and talo pa rin kami sa tao kasi sobrang multi-tasking ang ibang mems wag lang madefault sa ibang events. pro it's ok, we're learning and growing. i think that this year's eng'g week performance is some sort of a sign of the potential of ALCHEMES. of course, for the other orgs it doesn't matter kung nasa top ten ka o hindi. hindi hayok kung baga. pro as to whether or not career ulit ang eng'g week next year depends if someone objects kasi sa nakikita ko ngayon, career ulit xa.:)

matapos pla ang announcement ng top ten, sumama muna ako sa orgmates ko sa bonding session. wla lang hehe:) came home mga 3am na... nasabihan ako... hay salamat hindi na sermon ngaun. buti naman mejo nagluluwag na ng konti.:)

finally decided, given the chance ok lang sakin to run for office sa student council. dati i had doubts kasi mej hindi maganda performance ko last sem and tsaka feeling ko matatalo ako. pro ngaun nagbago na oultook ko, k lang kahit matalo ako at least i tried. charge to experience kumbaga. shado kasi ako sigurista, gusto ko ung sasalihan ko kailangan i perform well... ito ang naidudulot ng or ko sa akin - growth, experience, camaraderie, support, a family in UP. tas ang adviser namin - Sir Nato - sobrang supportive, prang kids nya kami. :)
something came up here at home...napaiyak ako... na-hurt ako... i hope he grows... i hope na ung pain na na-feel ko e maalala ko pra i won't cause the same kind of pain kina mama...

ChRisTmaS UpDate: sTill cUtE but yEt to MakE tHat ChRisTmaS ShopPinG... wonder f i HaV the TiMe?... LanTeRn PaRade and Miss Eng'g tomorrow. gOnnA be HoMe laTe aGaiN.hehe:p actuallY maskiPaps toDaY pro umUwi na q coz giNaGabi na q ng hUsTo and i sTiLL have to FinisH ung Take-hOme ExaM sa ChE 123. it's already past 1 at aba, wla pa rin ResuLt...hmmm...hOpe ok, pRa 6th Pa rin StanDing nmin.:p LasT Day na Ng eng'g wEek tom. tOdo na iTo!:) next year, dapat sali na sa indakan and awitan. ako sama na q sa relay ng swimming (no more excuses. hehe). mag-maski kaya aq ulit?hmmmm... hehe:) ObLaTiOn RuN diN pLa tom, never pa aq nkaPanood... hehe:) naKuhA pla si JaKe na mag-OJT sa Beijing. wow!!!:)

babblings

bitter???????????

stupid mouse!--and now i have to start from scratch again. done posting kanina e na-delete. ulit!

just got home around 1:30am. was the first main event for engg week - smoker's nyt. "babuyan ng orgs".... oh well, dami kong sentiments... basta, sobrang love ko tong org na to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to the extent na wasn't able to go home immediately,even after the event's winners were announced before 12am... kasi was terribly sad, kinailangan magpalipas. hehe:)

Nikki's post sa yahoogroups: >peram Nikki ha?:)
Congratulations to usWe lost but we wonbecause people congratulate us although we didn't baganythingbecause it's their loss that they didn't listen or letanyone else listen to what we had to saybecause we know that we're not as shallow as everyoneelsebecause we had fun dancing like crazy onstage... andeven out on the roadbecause we have the best people to be affiliated with.I don't know how many times we've shouted this allweek... but... it still feels nice to remember usshouting..."UP ALCHEMES: Make a difference. Break free."

come to think of it, there just maybe something far greater waiting for us...(in His time) besides, tama sila coz somehow we should be thankful kasi 1) may pumansin sa performance natin, and 2)threatened sila which only goes to show na people have to be careful kasi "lampayatot man pro deadly to" MAY LABAN 'TO! it's possible din nmn na they want us to make ganti na, but we can't do that. that's not our kind of game. it's the reason, why i joined alchemes in the first place. ang tanong hanggang kailan magtitimpi?sometimes, one just have to cry foul!!and say, what the?PU*TAN**NA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmmm... nakaalmost 20 na malutong na ganyan ngawa ko today e!akalain mo!hehe:)but as the other members said, yes it's natural to feel bad but leave all of it in this night and do what needs to be done...syeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!love ko toh!:)

ok lang sigurong matalo, if naiparating mo ung mensahe mo and then ok hindi nila type/gets. pro ang hindi maiparating, mej iba ata un. anyway, oh well. nuff said, need to sleep na rin thus leave this here... **pro kung sa bagay, babuyan really is the name of the game. pro it's up to us whether to join or not. pro ika nga e, make a difference, break free db?**

halley, i feel ur sadness and disappointment. k lng yan, buddy. alchemes is more than just an org, it's family kaya don't fret pare-pareho tayong nalungkot. and malamang with an even greater drive and conviction to do better!:) byron, kaya yan!bilib pa rin ako sau no matter what!:) bhodz, kat, fantastic fillers, 8 superheroes, props, technicals! astig pa rin kaio!!!!!!!!!!:) mark, buddy and argel pla thanks ha?senxa sa abala and kung kulit ko... hehe:)

more posts to come... ryt now, im out. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... beauty rest pra study nmn sa es12.:)

awitan blues

excited ako for the upcoming engg week! pro mixed emotions ako now coz nabalitaan ko na back-out na pla kami for awitan. nalulungkot ako for khulz coz feeling ko nahirapan xa and wla man lang xang nakuhang motivation from the awitan people... siguro it's not right for me to say anything like sayang, kasi i can't or did not do anything e. past weeks wla tlaga akong natulong sa preparation for engg week. much as i want to offer myself, i'm not qualified - talented(hindi ako marunong kumanta), creative enough (magmake-up/bihis etc.) enough pra maging head. hanggang sa offer lang siguro ng help. yes, there's nothing wrong with "HAVE FUN" as our new battlecry but does that also mean that our org is giving up the fight to get into the top ten? does that mean that since we are not required to perform well in the activities we are not going to give it our best shot? or is this some sort of way of relieving ourselves from the pressure left by last year's engg week performance? i dare hope not... the potential is still there. i just hope the willingness to participate still is... manalo, matalo love ko pa rin 'tong org ko!Go UP Alchemes!(",) pro kung sa bagay hindi lang nmn through engg week masusukat ang galing ng isang org e!basta go lang ng go!no sense in crying over spilled milk nga db?(",) kaya............... ALCHEMES HAVE FUN....(",)

wala lang

lumipas na nmn ang ilang araw ng hindi ko man lang nagawang simulan basahin ang mga research materials ko for my ChE 140 paper. sa wednesday na ang consultation which accounts for 5% of our final grade... hindi na talaga ako siguro ganun ka-grade conscious ngaun otherwise i wouldn't have time to "waste" for blog... waaah... sobrang expert na ata ako sa cramming!hehe:) nararamdaman ko na todo cramming na nmn ito ng tuesday night... oh well ganun talaga... nawili kasi sa paglalaro ng word factory(ako lagi kasi panalo vs. sa mom and sis ko hehe) at sa panonood sa aking kapatid na maglaro ng FF9(ulit!) hehe:)

kakaawa ung mga nasalanta ng bagyo...wish i cud have done something than just watch the news...