always like this...

i'm always like this... i want this but it's starting to get bad and out of hand... damage control has to kick in...
if i don't it's gonna start to hurt soon... =(

when will it be me?

deep down i'm wishing there's something... there's more... oh well me and my overactive mind... this has got to stop...

it's a start though, at least i know i'm still human capable of feeling something... maybe i shouldn't really close my door shut and let the breeze come in... who knows? In His time... let His will be done...

it's like i waited my whole life for this one night...
pardon while i burst into flames

end of outburst. bow... spare me, this is rare....

"You are stubborn, rigid, complicated and neurotic."

i didn't know i could be summed up in those four words. although i can think of other words such as bipolar, volatile, moody, clumsy, analytical/logical it kinda hits home eh...

and yeah fickle pala and right now there's something bothering me because deep down i wish... (and yes this is another story)

i didn't think it was possible...
and yet...
God is great...
in Him nothing is impossible...
Thank You Lord!

right now, I shouldn't have anything to complain... but still i wish that besides friends and family I have that someone I can share this joy with...
in His time...

i am watching everybody's life pass me by...
such is the tragedy of my existence...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i don't want to be alone...

i'm starting pick myself up again...
although i haven't hit ground zero...
still i'm falling...
i'm wondering if i should let this be for once...
but i don't want to waste...
and watch people go...
i don't want to be a waste...
why am i drawn to complicated matters...
please be patient with me...
only time will tell...
Lord, please help me...

deep down...

out of the blue i felt like browsing over my old xanga site earlier today and boy did i enjoy myself. It was fun rereading old posts dating as far back as 2004. Back then we were still on dial-up so it's either I was putting up with the modem speed back then just to post entries OR i would do it in school where net was faster...

It's refreshing to read all those old posts again. I can't believe I was able to write that way before. For some reason, I think I was way more creative in my writing back then. As such, I promised myself I'd make it a habit to write more even if it's about trivial things... Of course, as is usual most of my posts were on emo overdrive... maybe next time i'm going to repost them here so that everything's centralized... there's this one particular line that really struck a chord:

"I've been and still afraid to get hurt. I am much more contented in not taking any risks at all... but by risking nothing I lose everything... God bless me... Lord, please help me..." -July 6, 2006

... still the same... deep down... here i am again hiding in the confines of the open to the public web...

Of course, the rest of the posts were a bit too long for me to quote them here. Reading all those emo stuff however, made me feel all the more emo though. i've been quite unstable for sometime now. Most of it is due to the stress bordering on burn out and tiredness craving for a break and a vacation. For some reason I really feeling like escaping. It's as if nothing's holding me back and I can't find any reason to stay... A change of environment is such an enticing thought to me right now. However, unlike in my first job where I felt like a prisoner wanting to get out ASAP, this time around it's a bit different. I simply feel as if I don't have enough reasons to stay... I mean I still like what I am doing. I like the people I've met and grown attached to... I just can't place it... or maybe that's just it. I still haven't found my place. Deep down there is that gnawing emptiness, a void that is nowhere near getting filled. Maybe I feel that whatever I have now is not going to fill that. It may mask it, divert it but not fill it. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all the many gifts and blessings God has given me. I consider the people, the work, the environment- all as gifts. I guess it's just that I am not so sure where this is taking me and where I am headed. The short term goals are there but somehow it's just matter of time. It's just like prolonging the uncertainty. I guess I haven't really thought of what I want to do next... What I really want to fulfill and accomplish... Is this what they already call as quarter life crisis?

I usually am busy going out and meeting up with friends but sometimes it does get really tiring. While I enjoy myself a lot as these meet-ups are supposedly a chance for me to unwind and loosen up somehow it also tends to highlight something. Despite the "busyness" and the flurry of activities, despite being surrounded by people... I am alone...

yeah, i got it bad. it's downhill again for me...

*hoping and praying for the best... things will get better...

**why do i seem to have this nasty habit of having misplaced emotions... wanting solace and comfort from the wrong person...or expecting/wanting too much when i couldn't give anything yet or when i shouldn't... nope i don't need a bump in the head. i can manage this... maybe just a pat in the back once in a while to serve as a reminder...

dreams...

things i want/dream to do before i die... (in no particular order)

go on a Euro tour
go on a Japan tour
go on a Carribean cruise
go to South Africa
watch an F1 race
watch an F1 race in Monaco
pose for a pictue with kimi and schumi and get their autographs
watch Arashi in concert
watch arashi in any of their shows (TBS)
meet Arashi and pose for a picture with them
go on a vacation in Amanpulo/Maldives or other exotic places
fall in love...
get married and settle down...


*wishful thinking*

EMO MODE!!!

paranoia...

paranoia is eating me and is threatening to swallow me whole...

for some reason, i think the world hates me today (more than ever coz whoever said it did not hate me in the first place)...

on other news, i'm so sick of the twilight madness ignited more by the release of the movie... argh! parents of 10yr old kids and below watch out for breaking dawn! goodness!

for some reason i feel somewhat sad or emo... not really down but under the weather... can't seem to find the right word for it so i'll just settle for emo...

anyway, i'm thinking if i should get myself a new phone this christmas... after all, the phone i'm using right now is like around 3yrs old already. So if I should decide to get one, which should it be?

• Phone 3G 16GB - Php43,799
• HTC Touch Diamond - Php41,800
• Samsung Omnia - Php38,000
• SE Xperia X1 - Php42,500

The more pressing question though is, am I prepared or willing to spend that much money for a new phone or just get other stuff? oh yeah i was also considering getting an ipod upgrade and an external HDD...hmmm... good luck to me!

so tired...

so much to do, so little time
or
i'm just too inefficient...

i feel bad for my shortcomings/limitations/inadequacies at work... hopefully i can make up for them...

i'm gonna miss cristine... it's gonna be sadder and harder without her around next year... it's just too bad our schedules can't coincide... nevertheless, we're thankful for all the breaks given our way. they're all blessings. (i have my fingers crossed on mine though)...

i'm really really tired but here i am blogging yet again. for some reason i feel so drained but not to sleep yet but to "bum" around or petiks so to speak...

oh well... gotta sleep... hopefully, i'd get to rest and accomplish the tasks/commitments in the coming weeks (at least lessen the workload)...

arashi for dream...

i'm watching fancams from the shanghai concert right now and i must admit i'm still so addicted to those JE boys... ♥♥♥ i'm still dreaming and hoping to see them in concert/live! hopefully next year! argh!so much to do, so little moolah... hehehehe

for chie it's already for real! go chie!!!

♥♥♥

it never ends...

work is hectic as usual and i find myself making a couple of mistakes here and there. i hope i can catch up though and make amends for those mistakes. i'm really faltering and lagging behind, still i am hopeful i can redeem myself and my break will come soon enough.

maybe i should say i'm better than the previous weeks as the emotional burden that suffocated me at work have sort of passed (and so i hope). i've got a lot of growing up to do but still i am scared to step out of my own "good enough place". yes, i hide and resign myself to my own little world rather than get hurt and or subject myself to situations and relationships that would involve pain. i am still starting to feel that life is no fairy tale and learn how to deal with it in a grown-up way. i think it is for this same reason that i've usually kept to myself a lot of things. In order to keep the unpleasant things at bay, I would close my doors or go my own way. Maybe I've been rather selfish but I guess this is a start. To be open is to subject yourself to pain but that's how you build relationships that are deep and lasting in the first place.

one step at a time.

to all those who supported me when i felt at a loss for such a trivial situation, from the bottom of my heart thanks! hopefully, i'd get to return to the favor.

Lord, thank you! Please be with me/us always. =)

a different kind of low...

i hope the rain will go away.
i hope that the water has finally run dry.
i hope that i will shed no more tears...
i hope and pray that i'm done crying...

it hurts.
it may look like i am a very strong and intimidating person on the outside easily repelling people...
when in fact this is the me that tries very hard to hide the extremely fragile me inside...
very susceptible to pain...
with a heart easily broken...
struggles a lot when faced with trials...

"I observed the woman I had been up until then. Weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn’t fear – it was the wisdom of someone who knew what really was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering – just so the sun’s rays wouldn’t fade my old furniture." - By the river piedra..

i think i have to give up the hope that things will be like it was. I have to accept and move on and NOT PRETEND but rather act as if it were the truth that I didn't feel/establish any sort of friendship with them. Lord, please help me and be with me in my struggle. I know this is just a fraction of what the others went through or is going through but already I feel helpless. Help me to learn what you want me to learn from this experience and act accordingly. Thank you for all the realizations and helping me open up to friends. If this brought any good maybe it's me being more appreciative of the people around me.

"No matter how sad the ending awaiting us is. Let's call it hope."

I want to understand all these but if it keeps on inflicting pain I have to let go. Still I hope that things will be better at least for Cristine... it's harder on her i know but good thing she's stronger... Ganbatte Cristine! Stay strong.

hopefully i'm done crying. i'm still broken but in repair (i hope).

step by step...

i can't wait for the weekend or rather for this week to end... little by little i'm getting adjusted with the situation... yes, i still feel bad about it and still hoping that things will get back to normal... but if that's too much to ask then maybe at least as if nothing happened and as if we didn't become "friends/close" in the first place. (although, i'm wondering how true that word is...) in one way or another, eventually this will pass... i just feel it will be still a waste if the outcome is the latter (and it sucks if the blame will be on just one "mistake" so to speak...) thank God for friends especially when the world feels too small... also, i should be thankful that what i'm getting all agitated about is just a trivial matter compared to what others are going through...

to my friend atan, you can do it. we're here for you. although at times I am MIA or seem busy, just give me a tap I'll try my best to be of help. God Bless! =)

"Don't brood nor hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. Learn to bend, it's better than breaking. Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect." -Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other.
-thanks dani for the quote! =)

i don't need this...

or maybe i do... but really, the additional emotional burden is heavier and is more cumbersome than all the stress and toxic stuff in my life right now.... i didn't think i'd feel this or encounter this kind of conflict again... i'm not sure when was the last i felt this... probably because most of the relationships i have established so far are superficial? not exactly... i tend to really stay away/avoid conflict or confront conflict at least. i've grown accustomed to the mindset that things will pass eventually... but i really don't know what's unique about this situation that it burdens me on the emotional level... i really hope this will pass... it's just the second day of the week (second for me) and already i can't wait for the weekend and hoping for a really relaxing break... Help me God. the weekend trip didn't do much to rejuvenate me... yes, i enjoyed it but i need a looooong break to destress and unwind... argh i'm so down right now. Unfortunately this is nothing of the boy-girl relationship conflict (not sure if i should say i wish either). guess for some mababaw pro friends are as important pa rin naman eh... hopefully the friendship is worth all these worry, etc... i think i need a temporary change of environment/fresh air so that this issue won't suffocate me much...