butterfly love

ever since i can remember i've been drawn to butterflies... if only, my life particularly my love life would be as colorful right now...

i hope and pray that one day, i will transform into that butterfly that will enchant someone- enough to try and catch me or lure me into its sweet embrace...

gremlin to gizmo

how do you turn a gremlin back to a gizmo? i just realized that as years went by i actually might have changed for the worse and my attitude stinks so bad it reeks gremlin...

i didn't realize i've transformed into this ugly monster until lately... the thing is i am not too sure how i can go back or at least be transformed into a gizmo... i've been telling myself to take it lightly and be more friendly/happy but so far i've been failing... i can't help it if i get irritated easily... i am too moody... i am a control-freak who worries too much and gets stressed easily. and as many of my closest friends would agree, it's better to just back off when i get into these foul moods... :( *sigh* that's my dilemma right now....

still i'm hoping... there's still hope for someone like me...

second thoughts

not exactly... guess it just crossed my mind whether or not i chose well or did the right thing... i thought i did but seeing how blank my canvas is right now, i can't help but wonder... where is the good karma? did i expect too much for something in return? did i misconstrue a request for a sign/validation of how right the decision was through something good coming along? and by good i mean so good, it's something i've been waiting for so long... because come on really, my age is catching up on me and i'm not getting any younger... starting to panic and get desperate possibly. i know pathetic. or maybe THE DECISION WAS NOT MINE TO MAKE in the first place. THERE WAS NO DECISION TO BE MADE. right at the beginning, i was at the losing end. Maybe i did win something, for sometime i felt good, i felt hurt, felt alone, felt betrayed, felt angered. became strong?
now that i'm back to square one, i can't help but hold on to those memories.
i.miss.you... and our conversations. maybe even whatever it was that we shared...
i can't help but feel that... sometimes, the control slips and when i hear things that make me remember, i miss... maybe i am in my weak, sorry state where self-pity is high. i wish you were somebody else. someone i could freely have daydreams or fantasies of the future. someone who could have actually freed me from my miserable state... I hope this distress call is heard and one day, there is still that someone. for me. someone. to call my own. "here comes my man..." please let it be soon... i'm really losing hope... :(

I don't say regret is all i feel. Several times, i've fallen or thought i have or maybe just liked but seeing how happy they are now, I can only but say it wasn't meant to be. I hope it is the Lord's will for me to enjoy life and share it with someone... please let there be hope for someone like me.

*this is probably the most open i've been considering how pathetic everything is here... but i guess that's just how sad i am and sorry for myself. so if you by any chance come across this, don't mock me and move on to the next website or what-not... thanks!

same old same old...

so it's been quite sometime since i last updated this blog... i guess what with all the different online sites that i have, they've been more than enough for me to air my rants and raves. current favorite among them is of course, twitter. so anyway, while i am still feeling lazy and waiting for the file transfer to finish (so i can get on with reinstalling etc.) i will try to write something here. not that anybody actually knows and reads this (anymore)...

25. If you have to ask me, I honestly don't think that THAT is a large number or that I am old for that matter... but then again, how can i not forget that I am actually older than what i'd like to think of myself to be when everything else around me says otherwise...

I can't exactly say that my life has been uneventful. That is very ungrateful of me and I feel blessed for all the things that the good Lord has given me... However, if you ask about my personal life all the details are useless because they in the end all come down to this: same old same old. It's just like trying to use crayons to color a picture that's already been painted. i don't know why that thing that i crave and think is lacking in my life in order to help me move on to the next phase of life and adulthood is much too elusive... for all i know, i have no regrets for the decisions I made or for some at least i have come to accept that if there were missed opportunities, they simply weren't meant to be... Probably some will argue I have never really known IT if I had not been driven mad enough not to use my head? Is being sensible really such a bad thing? Sometimes, I think that it's hard to be me. I can't help but (again) think that if it were somebody else, they would have ended up with the exact opposite decisions possibly unconsciously leading to THAT. But then again, that wouldn't be me right? I mean, I am the very person why some people gets pulled into my gravity. this is the same reason why i seem to shy away from situations where i think someone has a false perception of me and likes that. See what I have to go through? Even in writing I think I can psychoanalyze myself. I am not saying that I get to see every side of the coin or the cube or whatever n-dimensional figure you can think of. The point is, is there hope for me? Is there somebody out there who can put up with this? Who can make me fall? and more importantly unearth all this?

Defense mechanism. I am not exactly the most amiable character in the planet and i have the tendency to shut other people out or at least hide the real me with different facets of me depending on the situation and a thick-sturdy wall. Everytime that something happens to me, somehow that wall seems to grow in height and in thickness... :( Something's got to change, something has got to give... but for who and what reasons? As we age, the challenges that we have to deal with gets harder and harder. The most recent one was of course the hardest and I am clinging to the hope that I did the right thing. hopefully that will earn me enough credit for that one thing that I've been hoping for, for so long...

Hope is the dream of a soul awake.

silver part 1 - "emo"

in just a few hours in the philippines i'll be hitting silver... damn! it's getting to me...

so the incubus concert didn't push through...
i'm missing my friends and family
i'm feeling paranoid, judged for who i am
feeling bad for the prolonged exposure and the possible tolerance that will eventually wane off and can lead to people talking behind your backs...

emo-ness...
i just feel so bad right now... :(

really want to go see them...

incubus
hahaha akala mo na kung ano... well i can still hope that i get my passport before monday so i can probably watch them somewhere more convenient... (there's the other requirements i guess) wishful thinking...

*fingers crossed. wish me luck! hopefully this pushes through...
also contemplating on a japanese visa? hahaha ASA!

after all, we're only human...

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind

trivialties

post in progress

walking the familiar path from glorietta to RS

huddle room. whenever i felt like it, i'd get myself one of the huddle rooms in the floor and lock (well not really lock) myself up inside. Sometimes, i really feel the need to be alone or exclude myself from others. then i'd proceed to communicate with others via ST or MOC.... sometimes, these huddle rooms also turn into mini-sessions when those closest to me would also stay holed up in the same room... the walls had ears but there we felt free to talk and rant galore... the closest thing i could get to that right now is hibernating in the lab... sometimes, i really do miss those huddle rooms.

ST or MOC.

shuttle rides. got my first taste of "bangenge" because of this. haha wonder when i'll get to drink "bangenge" again...

coffee talks.

wednesdays! lol! i especially looked forward to these non-wfh days for our team because I get to sit near the other team that is sharing the same floor as ours (note we only occupied half of the floor that time). Obviously we were trying to squeeze everybody in and thus due to the limited space by the time we come in the spaces available are somewhere near the other team's. This gives me an excuse to sneak peeks or at least from where I am seated I have a pretty good view of my crush! LOL! fun times... of course some of my team members figured this out and teased me about it but they tolerated it. of course not all wednesdays are fun which is why i end up locking myself in one of those huddle rooms. well, not really lock.

"WFH" aka tipid mode and working from somewhere else or extended breaks. just make sure you're online in ST/MOC... and the delayed reply wouldn't be THAT delayed... ehehehe

belgian chocolates this is one thing i definitely miss. Whenever any of our counterparts will come visit us or somebody from our team coming home from "site assignment" from Belgium so to speak one can sure expect a box or three of mouth-watering belgian chocolates. I am not really a fan of chocolates but it was fun trying out the different kinds/flavors available. And I especially liked this gesture because to me it seems thoughtful and in a way diminished whatever barrier there could have been between them and us. It kind of brings a certain level of comfyness and closeness with our 'teammates' from Belgium. Of course we make sure that somebody brings back dried mangoes to Belgium which is something they also love.

working while tipsy. this is one specific situation i can't forget. went on a half-day VL so I could join peeps for a few rounds just near the area. after several rounds of (pink lady ata yun from 121) a page came in ata basta i had to go back despite the fact that i was already on VL. it kinda sucked that the tipsyness waned off sooner than expected because i had to work but i had fun just reporting for work in that state and trying to "work". can't remember if my Team Lead knew about it or i sort of had to pretend. I could remember though that my head was spinning at one point. hahaha

hontoni gomenasai

in trying to protect myself, i end up hurting the people around me...
in trying to avoid getting hurt, i end up inflicting pain to those who are dear...
and then i wonder
why i feel bad?
once the dust settles, the realization dawns and the guilt takes over
always i hope it is not too late
and in the end, i brought pain, hurt to myself.
self-inflicted.

i hope this will all be over soon. admittedly, i am no longer able to handle things well and the more i am plunging into the pit of chaos. before i lose any dignity and respect left, may this come to pass. for what is left of the hurdle, i hope i can keep it together. i am tired.

minna-san gomen...

patience running thin...

edit: I feel better now. just had to vent out. Lord, thanks for the reminders, signposts, checkpoints and for friends... all these kind of puts everything into perspective... this frustration shall pass and I'll get over it. Life goes on and Everyday is a gift ^_^

i have to get this out of my chest

i was really craving for something
so much i was willing to trade something potentially big or should i say something i was also waiting for, for the other...
where's the tradeoff now? so much for complaining and now i'm left with nothing...
guess this is to remind me to count my blessings
and not to trade something that was not even in my hands...
this sucks... big time...
seriously my patience is running thin...
sick and tired of...

yeah deep down, i am disappointed, frustrated... affected...
life...

time to play those happy tunes
arashi
perfume
bob sinclair
jai ho
etc

***below is an outcome of a pep-talk with someone... thanks!
"just got frustrated about it but it's more on me ending up empty-handed
like i said where's the trade-off
but i'm just trying to think that maybe what i want requires something bigger so maybe this is just part of it
so i just have to bear with it
just have to rant i guess..."

anxious

so right now, I'm really anxious about all sorts of things...

I'm scared of the coming weekend. I'm trying my best not to set expectations but I can't help but keep my hopes up. I hope I won't be as unlucky on this trip and eventually everything will be alright despite all the negative vibes surrounding this trip...

I'm paranoid that I've made a mess of some things... i hope this will not be taken against me or bring me bad karma... i feel like my insides are being turned all over but partly I am glad for this feeling... for some time now I actually felt stone cold... at first it felt nice but eventually it sucked... maybe all these is leading up to something... to prepare me... to allow me to take the plunge... but nonetheless it makes me feel alive, aware and get to the point to feel myself being ready... with whom? to be honest, i dunno... i know right now that deep down i am wishing for either one of them... the first maybe primarily to take me out of this mess, if only he'd look my way... the second, because it's not right and it's giving me the creeps... I'm hell scared, paranoid and anxious right now because of it... Nonetheless, I have my doors open... I'm open to the possibility with someone else if only... if only they'll be more assertive... if only they strike the right chord... I'm not choosy really, you just have to find a way to get through to me... when you've done that maybe things will fall to place...

sweet escape...

i want one
no make that I need one!

someplace where the scenery's great, the sand, shore and water's nice and get tan lines (ok the last is a plus)

the parentals wouldn't let me go out today/tom or basically this week though... guess it's never really been our practice to make holy week some sort of a vacation/holiday or something.

gonna be my sacrifice...

but after this i REALLY hope i'd get to go to some beach...

waiting...

so what's gonna happen now? i guess i'm really just a passive participant in this life... just watching and waiting... if you need a push, help me decipher signs because really i'm a very slow and naive person...

ouch!

i need to stop dreaming ("still dreaming")... it ain't that bad but there's still a little ouch there... still this is good coz i think through this i know i am human... capable of feeling and it somehow helped me to open up a bit...