4.

Since high school, I've developed a particular fondness for the number 4 and considered it to be my lucky number. My reasons were quite shallow but nonetheless I held on to it as my favorite number. I didn't mind that Chinese consider this to be a very bad/unlucky number... The book I'm reading talks of a mental illness where 4 haunts the protagonist and symbolizes death...

Unfortunately for me, this was the date that God put me through another test... I'm trying to be strong and positive about things but so far it's been like one test after another... Everything seems to be beyond me and beyond my control. This is hard especially for someone of my personality who wants to be in control. I can't get a good grip of what's happening... I'm trying to just take it all in being a firm believer of the saying "Everything happens for a reason..". I need to have faith...

I know I can still take it but the only way I am coping right now is by just relinquishing control other than hopefully making that trip to say goodbye... Somehow, things are happening too fast, too soon though for me while I'm still recovering and reeling from that blow. I can't even take a moment to say 'hey, let me take a moment to figure out what I'm gonna do and where I want to go... ' I can't make sense of what's been happening so far. I know it doesn't have to but the fear that somehow the events and decisions being made by others for me right now may ripple into the future... I want to really say, "please enough now, please let me get my bearings first" but somehow I know all the more will there be tests. So, I'm just floating without a backbone... I am so lost, confused, disoriented and trapped in limbo right now. The problem is I don't know how to get out. Even the simple act of making a stand is hard because of my emotional instability and doing so might lead to further disappointments and the like. It's just all mixed/messed up. For now, I have to pray that whatever direction I'm being pushed to will do while I'm trying to figure things out...

It takes its toll sometimes and I find myself emotionally drained. It's overwhelming at the moment and I could sure use some words of wisdom and spiritual advice.

Quite a bad start, 02.04.2013. I will probably forget you but not now.

you live, you learn

It seems that the only way for me to learn some lessons are through some first hand experiences... It's a good thing that I'm relatively a fast-learner..
Still learning, still blooming...
Bouncing back up. ^_^



"Please, please, please let me get what I want" - 500 days of summer OST

A friend (and a former crush) who I don't often see, made a timely comment on top of complimenting me... "ang tatanga ng boyS mo"... Timely, because I was struggling to stay strong and keep my head up during that time. Flattery was a good way to boost my morale. Sure, I may have made some pretty bad choices in the past but I don't have any regrets. Little by little, I think I'm improving.

P.S. this same guy also said that if I came in the picture earlier, my life would have been a whole lot messier... If I understood this statement correctly, then I am somewhat flattered. ahahaha :D

Gravity

2 of my favorite artists, John Mayer and Sara Bareilles, both has a song with the same title. The science maybe a bit complex but the idea that gave birth to this law was quite simple. Legend has it that an apple fell on Newton's head while he was sitting under a tree and the Universal Law of Gravitation was born. Of course, this could be an oversimplification minus the technical jargon and the nitty-gritty scientific details. Nonetheless, the concept is there and applies to our day to day living both in the scientific and philosophical realms.

Sometimes, we move too fast we don't realize we are on the brink of falling. Other times, we crave for adventure and live on the edge consciously. Unfortunately, a little distraction, disruption, among others can easily break the balance. Try as we may to keep things steady one way or another, things just don't fall into place.  But as everyone may have said time and again, that's just the way it is.


keep it steady

Even as we fall, get sucked in, lose balance and stumble, we have to accept that it is through those that we truly experience life. These things make life beautiful and wonderful, happy and amazing, diverse and miraculous.


falling is natural...

I have fallen many times, who knows how many more times I should fall... Standing up is quite a challenge but honestly, I couldn't really ask for more. I am too blessed, God has been so good and life is just too damn beautiful.

Sara Bareilles sings about gravity being the unwavering attraction from one person to another that cannot be denied. The attraction sometimes being too much bordering on obsession that freedom from it, is yearned. John Mayer sings about gravity being that which brings us down - any man down. As we acknowledge its power, we should try to balance swaying and fighting it while remembering to stay in the light. Maybe it's about getting a grasp of what's important and what matters most to us... so we can stand back up.

Keep falling. Not every fall is the same because each time you stand up, part of you is already different.

Past and Future

"Never let your past experiences harm your future. Your past can't be altered and your future doesn't deserve the punishment."

It was thought to be a story of young love notwithstanding the test of time. Born out of college, their paths instead of merging ended up diverging in a not so good way... I saw how a heart faltered and got swept away in another direction many times... Then in the end, neither of them couldn't deny the good from their past. It became a story of overcoming and looking beyond the sorrows of the past and more to the future. After 11 years, including the two years of self-discovery, they find each other making it through.

A late shoutout to a very good friend and confidante. My friend, I am very happy for both of you. Now, you get to spend the rest of your lifetime with your wife who is your past, present and future...

Saying Goodbye to 2012

So apparently, 2012 was a leap year. I've forgotten about it until I read another customary year-end post from an acquaintance. Looking back, 2012 was indeed a year of making leaps for me - leap of adventure, love, and life.

Coming to Korea and spending most of 2012 there was quite life-changing for me. In many ways, it has triggered me to come out of my shell and take several other leaps. I wouldn't be where I am right now, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually if it weren't for Korea. It was not love at first sight, however. If I had to write this post during the first quarter of my stint, it would have been filled with everything negative. I got my heart broken twice, almost ruined my career,  felt alone, helpless and terribly inexperienced with "independent living", cried buckets (almost every night or every other night), struggled with the language barrier, the inefficient and extreme workaholic (but disorganized) work ethic - a taste of the OFW life. How sheltered, naive I have been and life has been pretty easy for me back home. I quite honestly thought it was a very bad decision (if not one of my worst) to take the assignment and for the most part cursed it. I wanted to escape it so bad (hence almost ruining my career). You don't really realize how lucky and blessed you are until you go through the pain, sorrow and hardships.

Paradigm shift. Then everything turned and now I am a firm believer of the saying "everything happens for a reason". God has been and is so good in taking care of me, I can't thank Him (and His instruments whether people, things or experiences) enough for always being there for me as He continues to teach me lessons - helping me grow as I experience life. The second-half of the year went by as if I was in a dream that coming home felt like waking up from it. Just when you thought that you have already experienced a lot that you are at the plateau of life - you realize there is so much more to experience, feel, meet and do. You start to fall in love with life all over again and suddenly think as you look back how you've lived a monotonous and boring life during the recent years. It's like starting to live more: I started to "dance" Kpop, "sing" without the influence of alcohol, be "physically active", do photo shoots (a little frustrated on this though), get wasted so bad, cooked, all the personal and attitude adjustments. I know I am still a pessimist but somehow, I'd like to think that I'm becoming more mellow. As I experience pain, I heal in a beautiful way by turning (trying very hard through the help of friends and loved ones) it into a positive experience. So far, it's by looking forward on the benefits that keeps me going. Living in Korea has been one of the best decisions and experiences in many aspects for me.

As I've mentioned in my FB post, "2012, you've been great! Definitely no regrets... I'm ready for you 2013! And to everyone who has been part of this awesome 2012 (especially new friends), thank you! Cheers for another great new year!"

I hope especially for my friends that 2013 will be another great year for us and that we will always be able to overcome and look past the pain, sorrow and hardships - that somehow everything will be alright and turn out for the better. May we always be on the lookout for opportunities to take leaps whether of faith, love, adventure or life in general. And when that time comes, we are ready to take the risk (while keeping in mind and heart the lessons learned). Carpe Diem!

Pocketful of sunshine...

Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)...

There's a place that I go
That nobody knows
Where the rivers flow
And I call it home
And there's no more lies
And the darkness is light
And nobody cries
there's only butterflies

Daylight...

Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast
This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep
‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa

Here I am starring, at your perfection in my arms; so beautiful.
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burnin’ out.
Somebody slow it down.
This is way too hard, ‘cuz I know when the sun comes up I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memories

And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa

I never wanted to stop, because I don’t want to start all over, start all over
I was afraid of the dark, but now it’s all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close

And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa
Oh whoa, (yeah) oh whoa, (yeah) oh whoa (yeah) (yeah)
Oh whoa, (yeah hey) oh whoa, (yeah hey) oh whoa

Maroon 5 Daylight lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/maroon-5-daylight-lyrics.html

Christmas with kids... For kids...

For many years, we've spent Christmas just the five of us somewhere away from home... It's a rarity for us to celebrate Christmas with a big family together with extended relatives especially since my mom's family migrated elsewhere and her parents died (grandparents). My dad's side should be bigger but a lot of them have also migrated and the few left, my dad is not really that tight-knit... So our way of celebrating Christmas is not the typical Filipino family reunion type (nor even new year).
This year was definitely memorable... There's a certain nostalgia to it reminding me of my childhood days when we'd go home to the province, head to the small farm where my grandparents had this little nipa hut, have lunch under a tree then after us kids would just play etc. I missed those days and it was too bad my sister no longer had the chance to experience it... Spending time with the relatives of my cousin's partner in Ilocos was almost like that except that it was way better while reminding you of the simplicity of life... Growing up in the confines of the city and the materialism that comes along with it, you can't help but think that their life is not easy just because they don't live the same way as you do or afford the same gadgets and thingamajings that you have. Then it hits you, they don't really need it and nor are they green-eyed hungry for material stuff. They may not have a lot in your eyes but they make do (more like nurture) with what they have and that is their wealth.
Christmas Eve 2012 was better because there were 8 simple, innocent, well-mannered but playful kids who brought life to the party. Watching them play, enjoy the games and treats, basically having fun brought joy to us adults who seem to have forgotten how to do so without being constrained by all the complications and inhibitions we develop as we grow old. Their parents and also Our gracious hosts, who just like any typical Filipino who would try to serve as much as they could even when they don't have a lot just to make the guests feel special and taken care of, reminded me of why we should stay grounded and humble. We are so blessed and lucky to be living relatively comfortably but we shouldn't forget to share...
An eve well-spent and worth remembering... Now my mom's looking forward to hers getting extended and having kids... She might have to wait on that though. How long? I wish soon but then we'd have to trust and believe in the Lord for that... in His time...

Missing you...

Even when we talk
Even when we chat
Even when we're together
Because you have changed
Maybe in a subtle way but somehow I can tell the difference...

Somehow I do kind of regret ever uttering those words because I feel like I'm losing you...
Then again, there's my answer...
Maybe you weren't really there at all
And it doesn't matter if you'll lose me too...
Somehow this Friendzone sucks!
Another learning experience...
I probably need to let go and move on soon... But not now. Not yet.

I just miss you right now... So bad.

Kamsahamnida

It's not one of my best days and I guess you could say my emotional state is such a mess again right now... I am tempted to try and keep things simple by just speaking up, be done with it and move on... But I'm not sure if that's the best decision... I definitely would like to keep the friendship... It's been a good if not great one so far... Bottomline: I am just so confused.
Nonetheless, looking back on the past year especially the past 8 months I have so much to be thankful for. Coming here was maybe one of the best decisions I've ever made. I loved, got hurt, became broken and whole again, broken out of my shell and experienced life in a way I never thought or imagined I would... Life has been good and God has been great in taking care of me. So much learned and still learning... Definitely, I don't have any regrets. Thank you Lord! Thank you life!
Now, if only I can make up my mind on what to do with this emotional turmoil that I won't regret... I kind of wonder though if there's a decision that has to be made at all actually... Maybe I should just let it be but it's been really taxing on my part...

Still I hope and pray while I enjoy living and experiencing life... I find that which will help me move on to the next stage... One where life is better lived and experienced when shared...

Hope is the dream of a soul awake.

Jimmy liao snow globe!

it was a good friend that introduced me to jimmy liao when he gave me the illustrated book 'turn left, turn right' as a souvenir from taiwan (naturally). It was not love at first read for me and it took quite some dust build up before I decided to give it a chance and 'read' it. You see, it was in chinese but to my surprise the pictures were more than enough to understand the story... And then I loved it...

Then it doesn't end there. In this quiant underground store around one of the subway stations near insadong, I was introduced this time to Jimmy Liao's snow globes (based on his books). Unfortunately for me, they were way too expensive (probably around 80k KRW if I remember correctly).



Good thing I met this girl from Taiwan, who was willing to courier for me (when she went home for vacation) one of the snow globes. It was still a bit expensive but it was half the price and it was Jimmy Liao's 'Turn Left, Turn Right', I'd take it.

I'm really so happy with this latest addition to my collection. I absolutely adore it... I kinda want the rest of the Turn Left, Turn Right globes... maybe next time... :D

Finishing 5k

I lead a relatively sedentary lifestyle and sports is not really in my vocabulary. Aside from being clumsy, I basically suck at anything that requires skills involving coordination etc. With that said, physical activities are not much my thing. I like jogging but so far i have only joined a few 3k runs and I would usually end up walking somewhere along the 3k.
Last Sunday, I mustered enough courage to join the 5k race (there wasn't really much choice: 5k or 10k). Since coming back to Korea last June I've spent a good deal of time running (as diversion/therapy) that I eventually managed to jog from my apartment to jeongja and back.. Since becoming involved with Mannam though I had not been able to run as consistently as I had before that I felt so out of shape in time for the race... I almost backed out due to laziness if it hadn't been for the fact that it was for a cause, the Korean Heart Foundation, spearheaded by Seoul Flyers and MIRC. And what do you know, I managed to finish 5.3k in 36:09. Not bad at all! The coaching from a friend and being surrounded by runners with a positive vibe sure helped. This is really a feat for me which I hope to keep on doing. Hopefully I'll be able to do 10k eventually... :)

Wicked!

Since being introduced to Mannam and other people (who somewhat became my little circle here), I've been having one busy weekend after another usually epic if not filled with different experiences/activities/memories. However, let me skip a bit to talk about this musical I never thought I will still be able to watch since my good friend Cha decided to go to Bali instead of Korea (yes, I was that kind of a loner pinning my hope on old friends to visit me in Korea to watch a musical.).

To describe how I feel after watching this musical last August 15, I'd have to use all sorts of superlatives: wicked, breathtaking, magical. In summary, I totally loved it. Everything from the songs, the story and the cast was great... I never expected how the songs factor into the story. If I could which is more like I can afford it, I would watch it again. It's different watching it on youtube. Defying Gravity at the end of act 1 left us all hanging (and with goosebumps) but boy does it get better on act 2. Everything is revealed and it's amazing how the story adds up and comes together. I have loved the song "For Good" ever since they used it as the music of our college recognition tribute but now that I get what this song meant to the lead characters in the musical, I have a better appreciation of it. To use the song to sing to an Ex would be so inappropriate (I was sort of contemplating on this weeks before watching). It would simply be an injustice.

For Good
(Elphaba):
Im limited
Just look at me - Im limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Boryeong Mud Festival 2012 Field Demo

Mannam spearheaded a mass performance of Wonder Girls 'like this' during this year's Boryeong Mud festival in Daecheon. And I was fortunate enough to have been a part of it. So yeah officially they call it a flash mob but it was too organized and anticipated that I think of it more as a field demo.

I don't know much but for around 14 years now, Boryeong has been hosting this mud festival where people mostly foreigners play and paint themselves silly with mud. The mud here are supposed to be good for your skin aesthetically. (no surprise there given the vanity of the locals.) Of course, there's a whole lot of drinking everywhere regardless of the time of day. So ok maybe not until 12 noon when it's almost a ghost town due to the din of the day before. It's my first time to go to Boryeong for the mud festival but going there while being a part of the mob was double the fun. I certainly had a blast.

mud galore!

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I will voluntarily dance in front of people. Sure there are a whole lot of us (maybe hundreds) but still. Definitely, another jump out of the comfort zone for me. And I am more than glad and thankful for it. Definitely one of the best experience I had so far here in Korea. I have Mannam and new friends/acquaintances to thank for it. Cheers to more happy, fun memories!

while waiting for the "event" to start - in between practice.

woot!

Stop!

Mannam Victory!

after the field demo, it turned into an instant insane beach party. we got soaked/drenched in mud as they hosed the crowd with muddy water.

the beach is not much really. It's the mud and the crazy, fun people/times that you'll be having which makes this a must go!