blur...

i haven't written a decent blog in a long time making me feel as if i'm going to explode right now. my head's spinning with a lot of things that i'm not sure what to do with them... although like what i've been doing for some time now, i can just get it over with and move to the next. that's basically how i've been coping... i guess the downside to this is that it's making me more and more cold and indifferent... on the outside, it makes me stronger and hide the weak me inside... for i know, i am weak and i don't expect the world to be there for me...

maybe, i'd better stay in touch with this side of me and for once be honest about a few things... but heck, it's really thanks to insomnia that i'm doing this. i'm hoping that the sooner i let a few things out, the sooner i'll fall asleep which is what i really, really want to do right now.

small world
since my decision to stick to this ungodly sched of mine, exposing myself to the insults and ridicule of others (though i'm not so much affected knowing how technical and good my seniors are who came from the same college as I am), my world has been getting smaller. i try my best to stay connected but the strength of the bonds i have established or at least thought are being tested. in this age, where communication isn't much of an issue at all, i believe in the phrase "connected and yet disconnected". Technology allows us to stay connected with almost anyone in the globe who has access to it. However, at the same time, this means of communication though it involves interaction sometimes seems heartless, shallow and insincere. It's easier to fake emotions and feign attention/importance. It's also because of technology that we can create our own little worlds. Maybe i live in my own little world too much that whatever relationships i have are not strong enough or deep enough. This not only goes to the relationship with the opposite sex... yes, i also rant when this isn't the topic.
sometimes, i feel surrounded by people (and i really can't complain) but honestly, i also feel alone...
maybe i am high maintenance in the sense that I have a lot of standards and expectations set that if those aren't met, it's considered as a failure right away.

disappear
oftentimes, i intentionally try to disappear... maybe trying to attract attention, maybe because i feel insecure or maybe because i need to step back and just be with myself... and i realize it's easier to disappear these days and your disappearance won't be felt at all.
blame cowardice or indecisiveness or unwillingness to change that I do try to disappear in that I don't want to deal with a certain situation. Undecided on the next steps, and unwilling to disturb the status quo (which I'm still very much enjoying or for practical reasons currently works), I try to let the situation decide for itself by detaching myself from the situation. Maybe this is heartless and indifferent of me... but really now, I don't want to deal right now.

NOW
elle's right in saying that we rarely think of now. NOW is always anchored with our past or with the future. Only in extreme situations such as near-death encounters where we are able to fully focus our hearts and minds to NOW...

i owe an apology to a lot of people. in trying to protect and watch out for myself, i have hurt and caused pain to others. when my mind kicks in, i don't really have much choice... my heart's safely tucked away in a little corner...
i don't wear my heart on my sleeve...
i bear no grudges... i wish for the same...

sometimes, due to my forgetfulness or disheveled self, i wish i would die young... not too young for i still hope that somebody will be able to break that spell... those damn scarlet letters...


of course, vain mode! =)

sweet and peaceful slumber talk to me...