a different kind of low...

i hope the rain will go away.
i hope that the water has finally run dry.
i hope that i will shed no more tears...
i hope and pray that i'm done crying...

it hurts.
it may look like i am a very strong and intimidating person on the outside easily repelling people...
when in fact this is the me that tries very hard to hide the extremely fragile me inside...
very susceptible to pain...
with a heart easily broken...
struggles a lot when faced with trials...

"I observed the woman I had been up until then. Weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn’t fear – it was the wisdom of someone who knew what really was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering – just so the sun’s rays wouldn’t fade my old furniture." - By the river piedra..

i think i have to give up the hope that things will be like it was. I have to accept and move on and NOT PRETEND but rather act as if it were the truth that I didn't feel/establish any sort of friendship with them. Lord, please help me and be with me in my struggle. I know this is just a fraction of what the others went through or is going through but already I feel helpless. Help me to learn what you want me to learn from this experience and act accordingly. Thank you for all the realizations and helping me open up to friends. If this brought any good maybe it's me being more appreciative of the people around me.

"No matter how sad the ending awaiting us is. Let's call it hope."

I want to understand all these but if it keeps on inflicting pain I have to let go. Still I hope that things will be better at least for Cristine... it's harder on her i know but good thing she's stronger... Ganbatte Cristine! Stay strong.

hopefully i'm done crying. i'm still broken but in repair (i hope).

step by step...

i can't wait for the weekend or rather for this week to end... little by little i'm getting adjusted with the situation... yes, i still feel bad about it and still hoping that things will get back to normal... but if that's too much to ask then maybe at least as if nothing happened and as if we didn't become "friends/close" in the first place. (although, i'm wondering how true that word is...) in one way or another, eventually this will pass... i just feel it will be still a waste if the outcome is the latter (and it sucks if the blame will be on just one "mistake" so to speak...) thank God for friends especially when the world feels too small... also, i should be thankful that what i'm getting all agitated about is just a trivial matter compared to what others are going through...

to my friend atan, you can do it. we're here for you. although at times I am MIA or seem busy, just give me a tap I'll try my best to be of help. God Bless! =)

"Don't brood nor hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. Learn to bend, it's better than breaking. Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect." -Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other.
-thanks dani for the quote! =)

i don't need this...

or maybe i do... but really, the additional emotional burden is heavier and is more cumbersome than all the stress and toxic stuff in my life right now.... i didn't think i'd feel this or encounter this kind of conflict again... i'm not sure when was the last i felt this... probably because most of the relationships i have established so far are superficial? not exactly... i tend to really stay away/avoid conflict or confront conflict at least. i've grown accustomed to the mindset that things will pass eventually... but i really don't know what's unique about this situation that it burdens me on the emotional level... i really hope this will pass... it's just the second day of the week (second for me) and already i can't wait for the weekend and hoping for a really relaxing break... Help me God. the weekend trip didn't do much to rejuvenate me... yes, i enjoyed it but i need a looooong break to destress and unwind... argh i'm so down right now. Unfortunately this is nothing of the boy-girl relationship conflict (not sure if i should say i wish either). guess for some mababaw pro friends are as important pa rin naman eh... hopefully the friendship is worth all these worry, etc... i think i need a temporary change of environment/fresh air so that this issue won't suffocate me much...

i'm ok really but...

aside from work-related anxieties, pressure and stress which are really an inevitable part of work-life i'm doing fine but...

honestly, all the comments, jokes (some foul/below the belt), unsolicited advices, teasings, "set-ups" are not just getting on my nerves but rather affecting me and bugging me. yes, i'm on emo mode when it comes to this topic but not emo to the point of being too sad or feel pathetic about it. I have come to accept my condition and lived on the notion that life is to be enjoyed. Single life is fun mind you. However, it's a topic i'd rather avoid if there's some sort of "misplaced pity or sympathy?" involved... I know I am getting old but really all these pressure around me is affecting me... I mean come on I don't feel hopeless at all because like I said, I am enjoying whatever life gives me but if the people around me think that I'm a hopeless case then that's really scary. After all "my hope/prospects" to get out of this "status" is that - my environment. For this particular situation or aspect of one's life, the opinion of idea of you matter - a lot i think. Maybe I should be thankful for these people who worry about me. Maybe I should heed their advice. I know I should loosen up and forget about the wall or the force field (which is really something hard coz deep down I am scared to get hurt. I am scared of the unknown.). The thing though is if you're projecting that you're doing fine with your current state (not that I am opposed to the idea of being in a relationship but it's more on a bonus at the moment and not like a priority. Of course, I would like/love to and maybe life would be better but the absence of it shouldn't stop me from living life) they'd feel bad for you. If you change your ways, it's highly likely people will call you "desperate".

destiny/one sweet love... where the hell are you? >>> like i'm ready to give in to all these pressure that i'm wanting one so that all these people around me would stop making a deal of my status already. This is so wrong... If it's time it's time. If there's somebody there's somebody. I hope soon and not too late...

It might be easy to not be single actually but I want to "fall in love" and right now I don't feel that... I don't want to be a fool in love but simply in love. Maybe it's my problem. Maybe I'm so dense or my heart has hardened already or it's just safely tucked in the farthest corner of a fortress... which one should it be? should i open the gates (to whom?) or should somebody break the wall first? is my "force field" too strong that not even a lightning could strike me?

guess that's enough for now... too candid already. If you're reading this I hope I didn't offend you at the same time hope you won't think I'm too pathetic though maybe I am...

One Sweet Love
Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

emo mode...

"The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?"

Sara Bareilles
One Sweet Love

kulot, singkit and tikling goes to bora!

woohoo! exciting! sana lang matuloy! we haven't even booked our tix yet but we have our tagline already!!! hahahahahaha

on another news, to be honest i don't know how the heck i'm going to recover from all the bad stuff that's been happening(work-related). at the moment im just trying to ignore them so as not to be too affected or wallow in misery... but i don't know how i'll deal with it or face them (including the consequences)... fingres crossed. God help us!

wishlist 2008-2009

much as i want to say i want these for "christmas" i doubt i'll be able to save enough money to get all of them by the end of the year... so instead i'm posting these as my 2008-2009 wishlist... hopefully posting them here will help me to stay focused on "my savings" and stay motivated...

1. Canon EF 70-200mm f/4L USM and Tamron 17-50mm F/2.8 XR Di-II LD SP ZL Aspherical (IF) Zoom Lens for Canon Digital SLR Cameras
or
Canon EF 24-105mm f/4L IS USM Lens

2. Omnia/HTC Touch HD/Xperia - could be wiser if i just ignore the teasing of my friends over my old 6230i and wait for the lock-out period to expire and just change phones when i renew the contract with globe...

3. ipod upgrade, DS

4. trips: batanes 2009, coron 2009, thailand/cambodia 2009

5. ... >>> how i really wish...

6. external HDD, finish laptop/braces payment...

I survived Pinatubo unscathed...

I wonder who'd believe me if I really meant that line... unfortunately for me, i have a number of blisters, bruises, sore legs, shoulders etc to contradict the claim. it was a good thing that it wasn't like the taal trek a year ago where it was scorching hot nor like the mt. isarog trek where it rained. I don't have any idea how i would have survived if the weather wasn't just right like yesterday-just cloudy. as it is, it already feels such an accomplishment for me despite the fact that i slipped, fell and stumbled a couple of times. not to mention losing my footing, being outpaced by a 10-year old kid, losing the "trail" and did i mention getting blisters and bruises? hehehehe actually i was unmindful of the stones/sand/dirt from the streams that got stuck in my sandals. i didn't realize one of my blisters actually bled a little until i reaced the 4x4 jeep. rather i didn't realize i had blisters until i washed off my feet while waiting for the other trekkers. i guess the weariness and desire to reach the end was stronger. =) the trip organizer (who was cute btw LOL) seeing the expression on our faces just had to comment that "i don't think you'll be doing this again..." not for some time i guess(i'm open for repeats but for now i need to rest). But all in all i enjoyed it really and the caldera is worth the trek. right now though, the trek is the memorable part of this whole trip. Imagine trekking 3 hours to get to the caldera then staying/resting for 1.5 hours and then trekking back again. On our trek back, gi and i managed to clock in at around 2.5 hours! hurray for us! =) boy, my legs really hurt though. it's hard to keep pace with gi. times like these magnify the disadvantages of being shorter and having shorter legs.

P.S. I would like to thank my walking stick. I don't know how i would have survived without it! =) hehehehe

*pics courtesy of jen. (i don't have a decent portrait shot-with me as the subject huhuhuhu)

interesting... still i think so far most of my photos suck...

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

HFPC - The Photographer

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

nowhere fast... [bottom feeder]

"... Then there are times when I
Can't seem to understand it at all
And yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere
really f*cking fast, nowhere fast

Will I ever get to where I'm going If I do will I know when I'm there If the wind blew me in the right direction. Yeah Would I even care I would."

To say that I had a bad week last week is an understatement... it was a week filled with disappointments, frustrations, hurt and pain (even betrayal). to keep this post short, i just hope that the weeks to come will be better...

i should really be sleeping but right now I just have to vent and rant... i'm trying to keep my composure, be patient and fight all these negative stuff and my own personal demons... but really it's hard... Lord, please help me, inspire me, motivate me... keep me grounded and focused... i hope i don't burn out...

i'm really really struggling to remain or try to be positive about my state despite all that's been going on... I know I have to put my trust and faith in the Lord but it's easy to lose sight...

somehow i can relate to this song...

and i'm sort of missing someone right now (again...)... hmmm...

The Analyst
Delta Goodrem

Prepare yourself to meet
The girl who cannot sleep
Dividing every question till the questions are complete
Every twisted tongue she studies everyone
She won't leave any stone unturned the night is oh so young

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Can you be sure we haven't met see the eyes they don't forget
They wander through the passage-ways that tease a restless mind
Can't afford to slip the picture's gotta fit
Her world's a photograph that gets dissected bit by bit

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Re-living the mistake she's made not a moment for the curious girl

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of this life
Digging around breaking it down
Neurotic thoughts
Burning the ground
Every sight every sound
She's always the analyst

raving &hearts on stuff and then a few rants

so yeah, i finally gave in and voted using this website as my guide: http://sukisyo.vox.com/... i couldn't resist anymore... as much as i've been a passive arashi fan silently watching, reading, ogling (not to mention downloading) at anything arashi-related, given the situation where JE was a few votes behind, i couldn't just sit and watch right? after all, it was just a few clicks away... just a small effort on my part given the many happy times/moments arashi has given me especially in moments of stress... again, those boys are my happy pills. I always end up smiling and feeling a bit light whenever i recall their antics, etc. you can't help but crack up really... =) all the best arashi!♥♥♥ >>> i never thought i'd be this obsessed or feel this strong about celebrities!!!!

on other news, i so can't wait for breaking dawn!!!!♥♥♥ to think that i don't know if i'll even get a hold of a copy this weekend because since i'm a late bloomer i wasn't able to reserve on time... (the addictions i have are quite childish, seems as if i'm growing old backwards). anyway, the anticipation is so getting on my nerves... just a few more days... i still have my fingers crossed that in one way or another i'll be able to secure a copy this weekend or next week... =)

why are there a lot of temptations... i wonder what i'll be able to get myself... shooting for a DS, cellphone, zoom lens (still haven't decided what) and a tamron 17-55 f2.8 perhaps? oh man, this is really hopeless... good luck to me!

addictions...

as if my most recent addiction isn't enough to keep me busy and sometimes cause me to lose sleep just so i can indulge some more... i just got a new addiction! i'm joining the twilight bandwagon! and i am so hooked. so much that i've been losing sleep over the past days while reading the first book and to think that I was actually working overtime during those times as well(oty...) I also found ways to get my hands on the mid two books in the series. I was actually planning on getting all three as somebody just lent us twilight... but they except for eclipse was already sold out (it seems on all pb branches). Good thing I live in Cainta, and just as I suspected they still have new moon available! hurray! twilight can wait! =)

so now i'm so torn on my addictions:
F1 - please let kimi be world champion!!! =)
mysoju/crunchyroll - watching Yamada Taro Monogatari again. haven't watched any new dramas lately because i've been too preoccuppied with arashi vids to care! hehehehe =)
arashi - jun, sho, nino, ohno, aiba. I didn't think I would like these boys at all but now I am so addicted. They are so hilarious and kakkoii! Somebody teach me nihonggo please!!! If not for financial constraints/priorities I'd really want to watch them in Shanghai or Taipei... oh well... I hope HYDF will be shown anywhere anytime soon!!!! =) They are my happy pills especially in times of stress. I just have to listen to their gay pop/jpop tunes and my mood will improve. Just recalling their hilarious shows is enough to make me smile (like an idiot sometimes, I would have to say).
twilight - arashi addiction is cheaper although not exactly on the HD but the backup drive can wait! i hope rest of the saga won't disappoint... i know, me joining this bandwagon is way belated but it's never too late right?
multiply - i'm starting to doubt this coz the high-res pics are no longer available... =( only low-res pics available for grabbing? that's too bad...
CSI - the first to go primarily due to my sched... i miss it terribly...

i know if you think about it, it's actually sort of pathetic. well you can look at it in two ways, it's good that i don't have any other preoccupations because as it is my hands are pretty full. on the other hand, i made myself useful or busy because of the absence of that other preoccupation. I'm not complaining though. why sulk right?! =)

speaking of two ways, i just got to watch dark knight yesterday and heck it was dark, heavy and good at least for me. I was particularly amazed at Heath's acting. His Joker was disturbing, intimidating, and effective. Maybe I'm not really a well-informed batman moviegoer but to me it seemed that Heath's joker drove the point when he was able to exhibit multiple facets of personalities capable of outsmarting or should i say tricking other people. Anyway, the pending results got me hanging so much that I couldn't really relax and left me on the end of my seat such that there's no other way to describe it but to say that it got me a bit stressed out. At one point I wanted it to end really. Anyway, I am not sure how the comic enthusiasts will react to this movie but overall I think the movie was good. What I'm a film critic now? Not! Just got carried away with the fuss over Heath and his acting. >>>something's so familiar here.

time to work on that way overdue KBA. boo me! i sure hope I finish the first draft though...

P.S. any news on the eheads reunion concert? I really really hope it's not for free and for smokers only... but i hope it's not that expensive though...

i was initially going to write something about working from home (and how sometimes I wish this is still possible) but the negative feedback (mimic) and the possible negative feedback that may circulate among the managers due to my "passive" participation during the training is bothering me so much... oh well... hopefully, those things won't stick and will not have any effect (esp with regards to performance ratings?hahaha)...

*hope for the best!
**i really hope the e-heads concert is not for free or you get tickets by signing up on a website (and you have to smoke!)...