Deactivate!

So on a whim, I decided to deactivate my facebook yet again. I doubt it that I'll be able to keep this deactivated for a long time but for some reason I'm terribly feeling anti-social today. I guess I'm too selective that even if we know each other I don't want to be connected. Sure there are ways to restrict but somehow I still feel like being connected makes you lose a bit of what's left of that little privacy of what you want to share in facebook... It's enough that it's an avenue for topics/non-topics and you're basically putting yourself under the microscope. I am too weak-willed to decline the requests as well, especially if (I feel like) I've ran out of excuses. Somehow, there are people/acquaintances you want to remain just professional contacts with. Now, I'm pondering what I'd do moving forward considering the role I chose. It's inevitable that people may want to 'stay connected'. It would be good if they just try and look me up because that will somehow lessen the chances of finding me. The problem is if they ask me if I have an account. Either I say yes or no. No, whether being a lie or not leads to people making conclusions of your being too secretive or anti-social behavior. Saying yes, leads to requesting for you guys to stay connected.

Call me an alarmist but I'm seriously freaked out that somehow, someone has more access than I want them to. I've already modified my settings prior to this but somehow, I suddenly feel I should filter some more if not block or remove all posts. On top of that, I don't even know how that ticker (if that's what you call it) privacy can be controlled. And with that, the easiest would be to deactivate. This is a temporary solution but I've done it before, deleted it even so I think I can do it again. Some things never change probably and maybe that includes my attitude of wanting to keep things compartmentalized... Of course, I don't like that same feeling as well, which this deactivation is also able to address temporarily. Although I'd say I'm just too darn confused right now.

"I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown..and I don't know why" I managed to fall asleep after deactivating but then some few minutes or hours after I wake up agitated and my heart beating fast but more like palpitating. For all I know, there's a part of me that wants to run away and hide due to plain cowardice and weakness. From where or who and why, well that's the problem. There's really nothing to run away from. I should really go back to sleep...

"Suppose I say, I'm on my best behavior..

Would you want me when I'm not myself?.."