Nonchalant

Feelings/emotions have a funny way of sneaking up on you. Just when you thought you've gone through the notions and that there's nothing left but small amounts of pain, hurt or rejection. It just suddenly hits you out of nowhere. Sometimes it might take just one good memory or a picture to be reminded and then the feeling starts to come flooding in. Just like a broken dam threatening to wash away all that you've learned making you more vulnerable than ever to the same or even greater pain. Because the pain has subsided you tend to forget everything else. While it's not easy to forget the rekindled feelings, one must remember everything - to see the whole picture. Paulo Coelho just about sums it up in Aleph what's more important. "Make peace with your past so that it won't destroy your present"
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Time to let this go and move on... I'll get there eventually.

Paradigm shift

Paradigm Shift.
"a change in the basic assumptions, or paradigms, within the ruling theory of science."
-from wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradigm_shift

"a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change."
-from http://www.taketheleap.com/define.html

This is a popular phrase for ChE students from the university mainly because one professor use this a lot in his ChE31 class. While I did not attend that class, the constant mention of this by friends and batchmates made an impression in my brain.
Fast forward, May 2012. I did not imagine that my manager after some discussion of the status of my long term site assignment would recommend this to help me get through the remaining months that I signed up for. At that time, I could not think of a way how this would happen because all there seemed to be left were trivial, unimportant things that I no longer value as much to drive me in another direction. Right now though, that is exactly what I went through. A huge paradigm shift. I don't hate this assignment as much and when I think about it my life is not as miserable as I had thought it was and would be. In fact, my life would have been more miserable if things did not happen. Things really do happen for a reason.
Sometimes, even if we think there is nothing that can get out to reorient ourselves, situations present themselves to help us do that - to undergo a paradigm shift. Like they say, it is just up to us to make lemonades out of lemons.

It's really more on perspective. One tree can look both small 

Early morning hike somewhere in Daesan.

 and towering depending on how you look at it.

Korea has islands too!

There's always a view and it's just a matter of looking for the better one. This is still subjective of course.

Be crazy. Be proud.

There are some things in your life that you may not be proud of. You might even feel a tad bit ashamed of the stupid, foolish mishaps you've made. But rather than think of them as stupidity, it is best to treat them as craziness. Crazy is good as it pushes you outside of your comfort zone and makes you experience more to life than what you thought. It is in the crazy things that sometimes we can say that we have truly lived. As long as you still have a sense of what's real from imagined, you should be fine. The outcome may not be what you expect as it is wholly unpredictable if not the exact opposite but in the greater scheme of things and with the right attitude they will make sense. Trust that. It is still up to you where you want to be taken with the push that life is giving you - for the better or for the worse.

I may not be proud of what happened but I'm glad it did. Sure the wound is still healing but once that's done I'll be damn proud of the scar. I was stupid and foolish. I was crazy. I am alive after all!

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.: Someone Hurts

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.: Someone Hurts: If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of...

BUT

Ted: The but is there's always gonna be a but. No matter how great things are going sooner or later it's gonna get ruined.

Robin: Ted, everyone has baggage you just gotta look past it.

Ted: You see, everyone's got some baggage. It's part of life but like anything else it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it. - HIMYM

This is probably one of my favorite episodes in the series since I first watched it a few months back. I love how emotional baggage was objectified as actual baggages.

inifinity

the message is just too good not to repost.
Calvin: If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.
Hobbes: How so?
Calvin: Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things than what people do all day.

Now I remember, I haven't finished reading the two Calvin and Hobbes comic books someone lent me (which I did not get to return). Makes me wanna read them. I should finish the other books/ebooks first though.

He's Just Not That Into You

Come to think of it, I even watched this film before it got even farther. Still I ended up misreading the signs...

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story you’re told implores you to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope…

Spring 2012. South Korea

reset

Everyday I find myself making some progress little by little as I take baby steps but the more I monitor the progress the more frustrated I become. With each day I find myself resetting over and over. In the words of John Mayer, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part ." Just when I thought I've made good progress, the moment I wake up the following day, it's as if I'm back to square one. But I am hopeful that somehow these baby steps I'm taking will overtake the resets... eventually.



Gonna Get Over You
Sara Bareilles

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one


And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

oh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday
oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Say it's coming soon,
Someday without you,
All I can do
Is get me past the ghost of you,


Wave goodbye to me,
I won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright
once I find the other side of someday
Oohoohooohoohooh...
Oohoohooohoohooh...


Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Random thoughts 1

It just hit me today how I deal with something new such as work. As I grope and get a feel of things, I try to prove myself and make adjustments. I try to tolerate and extend the limits of my patience and what I can take even though it's not ok or against my beliefs. I just silently obey and go on... That is until I explode.
Yes, I have issues being diplomatically assertive even at work (new ones that unfortunately test the limits of my patience).
Thankfully I have channeled those explosions not to the office here but elsewhere.
In hindsight, I guess I could have been just an explosion waiting to happen. I just never got that far...