paranoia...

paranoia is eating me and is threatening to swallow me whole...

for some reason, i think the world hates me today (more than ever coz whoever said it did not hate me in the first place)...

on other news, i'm so sick of the twilight madness ignited more by the release of the movie... argh! parents of 10yr old kids and below watch out for breaking dawn! goodness!

for some reason i feel somewhat sad or emo... not really down but under the weather... can't seem to find the right word for it so i'll just settle for emo...

anyway, i'm thinking if i should get myself a new phone this christmas... after all, the phone i'm using right now is like around 3yrs old already. So if I should decide to get one, which should it be?

• Phone 3G 16GB - Php43,799
• HTC Touch Diamond - Php41,800
• Samsung Omnia - Php38,000
• SE Xperia X1 - Php42,500

The more pressing question though is, am I prepared or willing to spend that much money for a new phone or just get other stuff? oh yeah i was also considering getting an ipod upgrade and an external HDD...hmmm... good luck to me!

so tired...

so much to do, so little time
or
i'm just too inefficient...

i feel bad for my shortcomings/limitations/inadequacies at work... hopefully i can make up for them...

i'm gonna miss cristine... it's gonna be sadder and harder without her around next year... it's just too bad our schedules can't coincide... nevertheless, we're thankful for all the breaks given our way. they're all blessings. (i have my fingers crossed on mine though)...

i'm really really tired but here i am blogging yet again. for some reason i feel so drained but not to sleep yet but to "bum" around or petiks so to speak...

oh well... gotta sleep... hopefully, i'd get to rest and accomplish the tasks/commitments in the coming weeks (at least lessen the workload)...

arashi for dream...

i'm watching fancams from the shanghai concert right now and i must admit i'm still so addicted to those JE boys... ♥♥♥ i'm still dreaming and hoping to see them in concert/live! hopefully next year! argh!so much to do, so little moolah... hehehehe

for chie it's already for real! go chie!!!

♥♥♥

it never ends...

work is hectic as usual and i find myself making a couple of mistakes here and there. i hope i can catch up though and make amends for those mistakes. i'm really faltering and lagging behind, still i am hopeful i can redeem myself and my break will come soon enough.

maybe i should say i'm better than the previous weeks as the emotional burden that suffocated me at work have sort of passed (and so i hope). i've got a lot of growing up to do but still i am scared to step out of my own "good enough place". yes, i hide and resign myself to my own little world rather than get hurt and or subject myself to situations and relationships that would involve pain. i am still starting to feel that life is no fairy tale and learn how to deal with it in a grown-up way. i think it is for this same reason that i've usually kept to myself a lot of things. In order to keep the unpleasant things at bay, I would close my doors or go my own way. Maybe I've been rather selfish but I guess this is a start. To be open is to subject yourself to pain but that's how you build relationships that are deep and lasting in the first place.

one step at a time.

to all those who supported me when i felt at a loss for such a trivial situation, from the bottom of my heart thanks! hopefully, i'd get to return to the favor.

Lord, thank you! Please be with me/us always. =)

a different kind of low...

i hope the rain will go away.
i hope that the water has finally run dry.
i hope that i will shed no more tears...
i hope and pray that i'm done crying...

it hurts.
it may look like i am a very strong and intimidating person on the outside easily repelling people...
when in fact this is the me that tries very hard to hide the extremely fragile me inside...
very susceptible to pain...
with a heart easily broken...
struggles a lot when faced with trials...

"I observed the woman I had been up until then. Weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn’t fear – it was the wisdom of someone who knew what really was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering – just so the sun’s rays wouldn’t fade my old furniture." - By the river piedra..

i think i have to give up the hope that things will be like it was. I have to accept and move on and NOT PRETEND but rather act as if it were the truth that I didn't feel/establish any sort of friendship with them. Lord, please help me and be with me in my struggle. I know this is just a fraction of what the others went through or is going through but already I feel helpless. Help me to learn what you want me to learn from this experience and act accordingly. Thank you for all the realizations and helping me open up to friends. If this brought any good maybe it's me being more appreciative of the people around me.

"No matter how sad the ending awaiting us is. Let's call it hope."

I want to understand all these but if it keeps on inflicting pain I have to let go. Still I hope that things will be better at least for Cristine... it's harder on her i know but good thing she's stronger... Ganbatte Cristine! Stay strong.

hopefully i'm done crying. i'm still broken but in repair (i hope).

step by step...

i can't wait for the weekend or rather for this week to end... little by little i'm getting adjusted with the situation... yes, i still feel bad about it and still hoping that things will get back to normal... but if that's too much to ask then maybe at least as if nothing happened and as if we didn't become "friends/close" in the first place. (although, i'm wondering how true that word is...) in one way or another, eventually this will pass... i just feel it will be still a waste if the outcome is the latter (and it sucks if the blame will be on just one "mistake" so to speak...) thank God for friends especially when the world feels too small... also, i should be thankful that what i'm getting all agitated about is just a trivial matter compared to what others are going through...

to my friend atan, you can do it. we're here for you. although at times I am MIA or seem busy, just give me a tap I'll try my best to be of help. God Bless! =)

"Don't brood nor hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. Learn to bend, it's better than breaking. Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect." -Leo Buscaglia, Loving Each Other.
-thanks dani for the quote! =)

i don't need this...

or maybe i do... but really, the additional emotional burden is heavier and is more cumbersome than all the stress and toxic stuff in my life right now.... i didn't think i'd feel this or encounter this kind of conflict again... i'm not sure when was the last i felt this... probably because most of the relationships i have established so far are superficial? not exactly... i tend to really stay away/avoid conflict or confront conflict at least. i've grown accustomed to the mindset that things will pass eventually... but i really don't know what's unique about this situation that it burdens me on the emotional level... i really hope this will pass... it's just the second day of the week (second for me) and already i can't wait for the weekend and hoping for a really relaxing break... Help me God. the weekend trip didn't do much to rejuvenate me... yes, i enjoyed it but i need a looooong break to destress and unwind... argh i'm so down right now. Unfortunately this is nothing of the boy-girl relationship conflict (not sure if i should say i wish either). guess for some mababaw pro friends are as important pa rin naman eh... hopefully the friendship is worth all these worry, etc... i think i need a temporary change of environment/fresh air so that this issue won't suffocate me much...

i'm ok really but...

aside from work-related anxieties, pressure and stress which are really an inevitable part of work-life i'm doing fine but...

honestly, all the comments, jokes (some foul/below the belt), unsolicited advices, teasings, "set-ups" are not just getting on my nerves but rather affecting me and bugging me. yes, i'm on emo mode when it comes to this topic but not emo to the point of being too sad or feel pathetic about it. I have come to accept my condition and lived on the notion that life is to be enjoyed. Single life is fun mind you. However, it's a topic i'd rather avoid if there's some sort of "misplaced pity or sympathy?" involved... I know I am getting old but really all these pressure around me is affecting me... I mean come on I don't feel hopeless at all because like I said, I am enjoying whatever life gives me but if the people around me think that I'm a hopeless case then that's really scary. After all "my hope/prospects" to get out of this "status" is that - my environment. For this particular situation or aspect of one's life, the opinion of idea of you matter - a lot i think. Maybe I should be thankful for these people who worry about me. Maybe I should heed their advice. I know I should loosen up and forget about the wall or the force field (which is really something hard coz deep down I am scared to get hurt. I am scared of the unknown.). The thing though is if you're projecting that you're doing fine with your current state (not that I am opposed to the idea of being in a relationship but it's more on a bonus at the moment and not like a priority. Of course, I would like/love to and maybe life would be better but the absence of it shouldn't stop me from living life) they'd feel bad for you. If you change your ways, it's highly likely people will call you "desperate".

destiny/one sweet love... where the hell are you? >>> like i'm ready to give in to all these pressure that i'm wanting one so that all these people around me would stop making a deal of my status already. This is so wrong... If it's time it's time. If there's somebody there's somebody. I hope soon and not too late...

It might be easy to not be single actually but I want to "fall in love" and right now I don't feel that... I don't want to be a fool in love but simply in love. Maybe it's my problem. Maybe I'm so dense or my heart has hardened already or it's just safely tucked in the farthest corner of a fortress... which one should it be? should i open the gates (to whom?) or should somebody break the wall first? is my "force field" too strong that not even a lightning could strike me?

guess that's enough for now... too candid already. If you're reading this I hope I didn't offend you at the same time hope you won't think I'm too pathetic though maybe I am...

One Sweet Love
Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

emo mode...

"The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?"

Sara Bareilles
One Sweet Love

kulot, singkit and tikling goes to bora!

woohoo! exciting! sana lang matuloy! we haven't even booked our tix yet but we have our tagline already!!! hahahahahaha

on another news, to be honest i don't know how the heck i'm going to recover from all the bad stuff that's been happening(work-related). at the moment im just trying to ignore them so as not to be too affected or wallow in misery... but i don't know how i'll deal with it or face them (including the consequences)... fingres crossed. God help us!

wishlist 2008-2009

much as i want to say i want these for "christmas" i doubt i'll be able to save enough money to get all of them by the end of the year... so instead i'm posting these as my 2008-2009 wishlist... hopefully posting them here will help me to stay focused on "my savings" and stay motivated...

1. Canon EF 70-200mm f/4L USM and Tamron 17-50mm F/2.8 XR Di-II LD SP ZL Aspherical (IF) Zoom Lens for Canon Digital SLR Cameras
or
Canon EF 24-105mm f/4L IS USM Lens

2. Omnia/HTC Touch HD/Xperia - could be wiser if i just ignore the teasing of my friends over my old 6230i and wait for the lock-out period to expire and just change phones when i renew the contract with globe...

3. ipod upgrade, DS

4. trips: batanes 2009, coron 2009, thailand/cambodia 2009

5. ... >>> how i really wish...

6. external HDD, finish laptop/braces payment...

I survived Pinatubo unscathed...

I wonder who'd believe me if I really meant that line... unfortunately for me, i have a number of blisters, bruises, sore legs, shoulders etc to contradict the claim. it was a good thing that it wasn't like the taal trek a year ago where it was scorching hot nor like the mt. isarog trek where it rained. I don't have any idea how i would have survived if the weather wasn't just right like yesterday-just cloudy. as it is, it already feels such an accomplishment for me despite the fact that i slipped, fell and stumbled a couple of times. not to mention losing my footing, being outpaced by a 10-year old kid, losing the "trail" and did i mention getting blisters and bruises? hehehehe actually i was unmindful of the stones/sand/dirt from the streams that got stuck in my sandals. i didn't realize one of my blisters actually bled a little until i reaced the 4x4 jeep. rather i didn't realize i had blisters until i washed off my feet while waiting for the other trekkers. i guess the weariness and desire to reach the end was stronger. =) the trip organizer (who was cute btw LOL) seeing the expression on our faces just had to comment that "i don't think you'll be doing this again..." not for some time i guess(i'm open for repeats but for now i need to rest). But all in all i enjoyed it really and the caldera is worth the trek. right now though, the trek is the memorable part of this whole trip. Imagine trekking 3 hours to get to the caldera then staying/resting for 1.5 hours and then trekking back again. On our trek back, gi and i managed to clock in at around 2.5 hours! hurray for us! =) boy, my legs really hurt though. it's hard to keep pace with gi. times like these magnify the disadvantages of being shorter and having shorter legs.

P.S. I would like to thank my walking stick. I don't know how i would have survived without it! =) hehehehe

*pics courtesy of jen. (i don't have a decent portrait shot-with me as the subject huhuhuhu)

interesting... still i think so far most of my photos suck...

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

HFPC - The Photographer

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

nowhere fast... [bottom feeder]

"... Then there are times when I
Can't seem to understand it at all
And yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere
really f*cking fast, nowhere fast

Will I ever get to where I'm going If I do will I know when I'm there If the wind blew me in the right direction. Yeah Would I even care I would."

To say that I had a bad week last week is an understatement... it was a week filled with disappointments, frustrations, hurt and pain (even betrayal). to keep this post short, i just hope that the weeks to come will be better...

i should really be sleeping but right now I just have to vent and rant... i'm trying to keep my composure, be patient and fight all these negative stuff and my own personal demons... but really it's hard... Lord, please help me, inspire me, motivate me... keep me grounded and focused... i hope i don't burn out...

i'm really really struggling to remain or try to be positive about my state despite all that's been going on... I know I have to put my trust and faith in the Lord but it's easy to lose sight...

somehow i can relate to this song...

and i'm sort of missing someone right now (again...)... hmmm...

The Analyst
Delta Goodrem

Prepare yourself to meet
The girl who cannot sleep
Dividing every question till the questions are complete
Every twisted tongue she studies everyone
She won't leave any stone unturned the night is oh so young

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Can you be sure we haven't met see the eyes they don't forget
They wander through the passage-ways that tease a restless mind
Can't afford to slip the picture's gotta fit
Her world's a photograph that gets dissected bit by bit

Oh oh she's traveling back in time
Questioning every line that someone said
Oh oh she's trying to understand

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of her life
Digging around in the dirt she's a slave to the work
She's always the analyst

Re-living the mistake she's made not a moment for the curious girl

Free her mind she's always the analyst
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
Trying to make sense of this life
Digging around breaking it down
Neurotic thoughts
Burning the ground
Every sight every sound
She's always the analyst

raving &hearts on stuff and then a few rants

so yeah, i finally gave in and voted using this website as my guide: http://sukisyo.vox.com/... i couldn't resist anymore... as much as i've been a passive arashi fan silently watching, reading, ogling (not to mention downloading) at anything arashi-related, given the situation where JE was a few votes behind, i couldn't just sit and watch right? after all, it was just a few clicks away... just a small effort on my part given the many happy times/moments arashi has given me especially in moments of stress... again, those boys are my happy pills. I always end up smiling and feeling a bit light whenever i recall their antics, etc. you can't help but crack up really... =) all the best arashi!♥♥♥ >>> i never thought i'd be this obsessed or feel this strong about celebrities!!!!

on other news, i so can't wait for breaking dawn!!!!♥♥♥ to think that i don't know if i'll even get a hold of a copy this weekend because since i'm a late bloomer i wasn't able to reserve on time... (the addictions i have are quite childish, seems as if i'm growing old backwards). anyway, the anticipation is so getting on my nerves... just a few more days... i still have my fingers crossed that in one way or another i'll be able to secure a copy this weekend or next week... =)

why are there a lot of temptations... i wonder what i'll be able to get myself... shooting for a DS, cellphone, zoom lens (still haven't decided what) and a tamron 17-55 f2.8 perhaps? oh man, this is really hopeless... good luck to me!

addictions...

as if my most recent addiction isn't enough to keep me busy and sometimes cause me to lose sleep just so i can indulge some more... i just got a new addiction! i'm joining the twilight bandwagon! and i am so hooked. so much that i've been losing sleep over the past days while reading the first book and to think that I was actually working overtime during those times as well(oty...) I also found ways to get my hands on the mid two books in the series. I was actually planning on getting all three as somebody just lent us twilight... but they except for eclipse was already sold out (it seems on all pb branches). Good thing I live in Cainta, and just as I suspected they still have new moon available! hurray! twilight can wait! =)

so now i'm so torn on my addictions:
F1 - please let kimi be world champion!!! =)
mysoju/crunchyroll - watching Yamada Taro Monogatari again. haven't watched any new dramas lately because i've been too preoccuppied with arashi vids to care! hehehehe =)
arashi - jun, sho, nino, ohno, aiba. I didn't think I would like these boys at all but now I am so addicted. They are so hilarious and kakkoii! Somebody teach me nihonggo please!!! If not for financial constraints/priorities I'd really want to watch them in Shanghai or Taipei... oh well... I hope HYDF will be shown anywhere anytime soon!!!! =) They are my happy pills especially in times of stress. I just have to listen to their gay pop/jpop tunes and my mood will improve. Just recalling their hilarious shows is enough to make me smile (like an idiot sometimes, I would have to say).
twilight - arashi addiction is cheaper although not exactly on the HD but the backup drive can wait! i hope rest of the saga won't disappoint... i know, me joining this bandwagon is way belated but it's never too late right?
multiply - i'm starting to doubt this coz the high-res pics are no longer available... =( only low-res pics available for grabbing? that's too bad...
CSI - the first to go primarily due to my sched... i miss it terribly...

i know if you think about it, it's actually sort of pathetic. well you can look at it in two ways, it's good that i don't have any other preoccupations because as it is my hands are pretty full. on the other hand, i made myself useful or busy because of the absence of that other preoccupation. I'm not complaining though. why sulk right?! =)

speaking of two ways, i just got to watch dark knight yesterday and heck it was dark, heavy and good at least for me. I was particularly amazed at Heath's acting. His Joker was disturbing, intimidating, and effective. Maybe I'm not really a well-informed batman moviegoer but to me it seemed that Heath's joker drove the point when he was able to exhibit multiple facets of personalities capable of outsmarting or should i say tricking other people. Anyway, the pending results got me hanging so much that I couldn't really relax and left me on the end of my seat such that there's no other way to describe it but to say that it got me a bit stressed out. At one point I wanted it to end really. Anyway, I am not sure how the comic enthusiasts will react to this movie but overall I think the movie was good. What I'm a film critic now? Not! Just got carried away with the fuss over Heath and his acting. >>>something's so familiar here.

time to work on that way overdue KBA. boo me! i sure hope I finish the first draft though...

P.S. any news on the eheads reunion concert? I really really hope it's not for free and for smokers only... but i hope it's not that expensive though...

i was initially going to write something about working from home (and how sometimes I wish this is still possible) but the negative feedback (mimic) and the possible negative feedback that may circulate among the managers due to my "passive" participation during the training is bothering me so much... oh well... hopefully, those things won't stick and will not have any effect (esp with regards to performance ratings?hahaha)...

*hope for the best!
**i really hope the e-heads concert is not for free or you get tickets by signing up on a website (and you have to smoke!)...

rain, rain, go away...

come again some other day... please especially not this weekend... =) hopefully it'll be fun and sunny! please??????????

my arashi madness hasn't the least bit abated and my desire to go to one of their AAA concerts has increased to the point that I really wanna go. but then i mentioned it to my mom and got some scolding... so right now i'm thinking if i won't be able to get tickets then it's not for me... but if i will be able to get tickets then i need to convince my mom and SAVE/EARN MOOLAH to justify this madness! =)

but then, i want to buy lens and a new phone as well... and hit the xxx,xxx limit by the end of this year... and i need to contribute for this year's trip abroad (coz i promised)... how in the world am i going to do all these? obviously something's gotta give... but what? i've already declined the HK invite of my officemates since I was just there about 7 months ago... and I want the samsung OMNIA too (feels good that i sort of can associate with ohmiya!!! woohoo!)... POOR ME! yes, rants galore! oh well, hopefully i'll be crossing out a couple of things by the end of this year. it's all about priorities and discipline and self-restraint... so I can indulge on the things that matter more...

really i hope it won't rain this weekend... Tuesday's fine. =P

ARASHI CONCERT TICKETS, HELP PLS?!

waaah we so want to watch!!!!

http://mcrbinza.multiply.com/journal/item/21

can't get enough of arashi!

this is my worst addiction so far... since i started "loving" the group, i've been doing nothing but raiding sites for videos, information, tidbits, listening to their songs, learning a few japanese words here and there whenever i had the time!!!! THIS IS BAD!!!!! but for me, they're like happy pills especially now that work's been pretty hectic or going to be more hectic (if there's such a thing).

i'm just bothered though if ohno and nino are really dating each other! LOL!!! NOOOOO!!! just when i thought nino is also cute! nyahaha originally it was just jun, well when i first started watching hyd, i didn't even like anyone of them. I thought the taiwanese version featured better looking leads/F4. Then, I enjoyed HYD more than Meteor Garden (i realized that MG was a bit dragging) and came to like domyouji. And then, cha introduced me to Yamada Taro Monogatari. Didn't have much of a choice so I thought, well Sho looks kinda ok. This lead me to check out the band and what seems to be the fuss. So i checked wikipedia and youtube. Their time concert video(s) got me amazed and then i was hooked... the moving stage and jun's yabai yabai yabai really got me...

and now, i can't wait for HYD final. Also, I wish i could buy a collection of all their vids with english subs as I still need to study/learn japanese... I KNOW!!!THIS IS BAD!!!! jologs na kung jologs!!!! LOL! :P

guessing game...

LSS. I find these lines quite apt or at least I can relate to this (at least in my daydreams?!)

"It's like I waited my whole life
For this one night
Its gonna be me, you, and the dance floor
Cause we only got one night
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance forever ever ever
Forever ever ever (x6)
Forever on the dance floor"

guess why or rather who! =)

materialism...

i wish i'd be able to buy this by the end of the year:

1. 24-105mm f/4L IS USM
http://www.canonlensreview.com/standardzoomlensreviews/CanonEF24_105mmf4LISUSMLensReview.php

or this

2. 24-70mm f/2.8L USM
http://www.canonlensreview.com/standardzoomlensreviews/CanonEF24_70mmf2.8LUSMLensReview.php

otherwise i might have to settle for this

3. 28-135mm f3.5-5.6 IS USM

http://www.canonlensreview.com/standardzoomlensreviews/CanonEF28_135mmf3.5_5.6ISUSMLensReview.php

but i really want the first one...

wish me luck! I need to more than save! wonder how i'll be able to do it... to think i bought a laptop about a month ago although it's on an installment plan...

i guess this is means goodbye DS and cellphone... so long as i can still call or text with my 6230i that'll do! hahahaha such a pity... well at least i feel safer when I commute coz i don't have to worry about a lost phone or whatever...

again another caramoan snapshot: =)

i just miss someone right now... =( wonder if he misses me too...
sure hope so...

pure bliss...

i fell in love with this:




and this

then again, who wouldn't?

paradise with friends - priceless! =)

*photos courtesy of atan

blur...

i haven't written a decent blog in a long time making me feel as if i'm going to explode right now. my head's spinning with a lot of things that i'm not sure what to do with them... although like what i've been doing for some time now, i can just get it over with and move to the next. that's basically how i've been coping... i guess the downside to this is that it's making me more and more cold and indifferent... on the outside, it makes me stronger and hide the weak me inside... for i know, i am weak and i don't expect the world to be there for me...

maybe, i'd better stay in touch with this side of me and for once be honest about a few things... but heck, it's really thanks to insomnia that i'm doing this. i'm hoping that the sooner i let a few things out, the sooner i'll fall asleep which is what i really, really want to do right now.

small world
since my decision to stick to this ungodly sched of mine, exposing myself to the insults and ridicule of others (though i'm not so much affected knowing how technical and good my seniors are who came from the same college as I am), my world has been getting smaller. i try my best to stay connected but the strength of the bonds i have established or at least thought are being tested. in this age, where communication isn't much of an issue at all, i believe in the phrase "connected and yet disconnected". Technology allows us to stay connected with almost anyone in the globe who has access to it. However, at the same time, this means of communication though it involves interaction sometimes seems heartless, shallow and insincere. It's easier to fake emotions and feign attention/importance. It's also because of technology that we can create our own little worlds. Maybe i live in my own little world too much that whatever relationships i have are not strong enough or deep enough. This not only goes to the relationship with the opposite sex... yes, i also rant when this isn't the topic.
sometimes, i feel surrounded by people (and i really can't complain) but honestly, i also feel alone...
maybe i am high maintenance in the sense that I have a lot of standards and expectations set that if those aren't met, it's considered as a failure right away.

disappear
oftentimes, i intentionally try to disappear... maybe trying to attract attention, maybe because i feel insecure or maybe because i need to step back and just be with myself... and i realize it's easier to disappear these days and your disappearance won't be felt at all.
blame cowardice or indecisiveness or unwillingness to change that I do try to disappear in that I don't want to deal with a certain situation. Undecided on the next steps, and unwilling to disturb the status quo (which I'm still very much enjoying or for practical reasons currently works), I try to let the situation decide for itself by detaching myself from the situation. Maybe this is heartless and indifferent of me... but really now, I don't want to deal right now.

NOW
elle's right in saying that we rarely think of now. NOW is always anchored with our past or with the future. Only in extreme situations such as near-death encounters where we are able to fully focus our hearts and minds to NOW...

i owe an apology to a lot of people. in trying to protect and watch out for myself, i have hurt and caused pain to others. when my mind kicks in, i don't really have much choice... my heart's safely tucked away in a little corner...
i don't wear my heart on my sleeve...
i bear no grudges... i wish for the same...

sometimes, due to my forgetfulness or disheveled self, i wish i would die young... not too young for i still hope that somebody will be able to break that spell... those damn scarlet letters...


of course, vain mode! =)

sweet and peaceful slumber talk to me...

cream puffs and commitments...

i'm so craving for cream puffs right now!!!! huhuhuhuhu

"Choose your commitments"
You won't be able to commit to anything if you try to commit to everything. Be willing to say no to the things that are not really important, and you'll be able to say yes, in a big way, to those things that are most meaningful.
A few, carefully selected, quality commitments will bring much more value to your life than a whole calendar full of shallow, relatively meaningless ones. The depth and meaning of life's experiences matter more than the sheer volume of them.
Just because you're busy doesn't necessarily mean you're making real progress. Take some time to consider just where all that activity is taking you.
Life is filled with all sorts of wonderful opportunities for real fulfillment. There's no need to grab at everything that happens to come by.
Every single day is precious and unique. Spend each day moving life forward in a personally meaningful way.
Choose your commitments with care and grace, with love and purpose. Then you can truly know the joy of giving yourself fully to them.
-- Ralph Marston

preview of highlands "pictorial"

because i love the pics ((not from my cam-yet to upload/share them) so much! hehehehe fun fun fun!

nowhere fast...

so freaking sad...

and busy...
and stressed...
and loaded...

and still freaking single...

damn!

rant mode obviously!

i should really be sleeping now...

because i'm going to report for work...

yet, here i am blogging, multiplying, chatting...

and yet, my non-work backlog (effort?!) is still quite long...

haaaaayyyy...

of the 5 dibidis i bought weeks ago, i have managed to watch only one!

and i still need to edit that excel spreadsheet from cy... i hope this trip pushes through!

sun-kissed from a relatively unplanned getaway! =) hello body pain! =)

and still ranting...

i miss being able to raid multiply and my contacts' post. lately my multiply addiction is limited to stolen petiks moments at work... oh well, one of these days...

on other news, i'm such a tactless/harsh/mean person... and snob and moody and...
bottomline, i'm hopeless! good luck to me!

where did the weekend go?

sooooooooo tired...

and drained...
and low energy...

i hope this week's going to be fine and not so stressful...

DANGER:
joyce=highly combustible matter. handle with care.

the thrill was short-lived...
and i'm back on earth.
=)

oh yeah, i need to edit the layout. next time!

earth to joyce

admittedly i'm still dazed and on wishful thinking mode...

must not get carried away...

but heck i know where i stand and i'm just taking things as it is...

enjoy lang! :)

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i miss...

i miss a lot of things right now... or maybe someone... a lot of someone... i miss a lot of people...

*sigh*...

i miss writing a relatively decent and more organized blog than this...

oh well...

next time...

oh yeah i dreamt of someone (J____) out of the blue yesterday. Come to think of it probably he was just part of the dream because he's the "partner-in-crime" of the other guy in the dream. And the dream is really more about the other guy(guy2) and the girl he likes. They are all actually "friends" of mine, I just am much closer to the girl than with the guys. Maybe I just miss them really and our escapades back then. oh well, that's life.

ZERO

so pathetic...