Silver linings

There's always something in life that tests you, the limits of your patience, your strength, faith, character. Even in the midst of support, you yearn for the more familiar, your family, your beloved, your loved ones and closest friends. Even though grateful, sometimes you still feel more alone than ever and it drags you down. And during those moments, you blame yourself, for stepping out of your comfort zone, for biting more than what you can chew, for leaving and you just wish you could just go back. 

Nonetheless, amidst all the hardships, struggles, suffering, pain, fear, weakness, buckets of tears, at the end of the day you are blessed. You have friends to make you laugh, family to support you, a soulmate that sticks with you and loves you no matter how much of a monster you turn into sometimes. And you look up to Him and hope, and pray. You keep on living, always watching out for that silver lining.

Relocation diaries: Why am I here?

I've been here for more than a year now (give or take if you count vacation time back in the P.I.) and it's been great. I have a more comfortable and convenient life. I didn't even realize how comfortable because of how I've been trying to maintain the same standard of living as I had in Manila before moving here with more savings (for a debt I'm trying to pay off and for the wedding). I think I only bought two nice bags and one watch which weren't even that expensive considering I am a sucker for GOOD deals. That hit me hard last year though as I was partially trying to save up some money to refinance the car I bought and had incorrect tax deductions. The money I saved up for refinancing purposes just had to be paid back to the government. (*sigh) Hopefully, I wouldn't have to pay additional $$ for taxes.

My job has allowed me to meet all sorts of people, most of the time interesting and nice. Of course, there are those that you'd rather not meet again for a second time. It has given me the opportunity to travel and have taken me to multiple States mostly in the East/MidWest. Mixing business with leisure I got to also meet friends and family as well as landmarks. I do like what I do, the continuous learning process, the fact that stress levels only last for a week and you start again afterwards for a new batch of trainings. I am lucky and grateful where I am now.

However, not everything is perfect and I live a mostly solitary life right now. I escaped my comfort zone in the company of family, loved ones and close friends for the above and the promise of an adventure. I thought that I could replicate or outdo the experience I had in Korea. To meet and hang out with awesome people, to try dancing, to try hiking, biking for miles and miles, to push myself to the limits, to be carefree. Why do I find it difficult now to socialize and embrace an activity instead of confining myself in this dark and empty apartment? Why have I become so lazy and picky? Drinking and partying is not really thing. I'd rather go exploring or finding new things. I should start somewhere and I know just the thing.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom came over for a visit. I am recovering right now from juggling between work and entertaining and things in between but I miss having her around. It suddenly just hit me why did I leave it all behind. But then again, as she said, you can't have everything. Maybe just maybe, if I were just thinking of myself, I'd just pack my bags and head back home after my bond is up. But as it stands, there is that future, of marriage and building my own family. Regardless, I believe that no matter which choice we make, He will be there with us for the journey. For now, even as I struggle LDR included (I terribly miss being with him), I have go back to the routine, to be able to be my own source of happiness and not to depend on anyone else. I am happy of the time my mom and I got to spend and bond together. We've had our share of ups and downs, but somehow I feel that as it should, that bond between mothers and daughters is stronger.

I am here to grow, maximize my potential and share God's gifts to me. It has in some ways helps me to prepare of what's to come next. And I look forward to it, as long as it is with him, who continues to stick out for me, who never gives up on me. 

Searching for a Wedding Coordinator and updates on major suppliers

So, since I am in the midst of planning a wedding overseas, the likelihood that the entries here will be mostly about wedding preps in the coming months are high if I do get to post at all.

It's been a struggle and I have gotten into arguments here and there considering my perfectionist and controlling attitude despite the fact that I don't have access to see first-hand the tiny details. I take my time to do some research before I can make a decision since it's different from actually say attending fairs, speaking with the suppliers and seeing what their outputs are. Thank goodness for w@w and other friends who I get to rely on for feedback and comments.

Setting the date was easy for us because I had wanted a wedding when the Church is already set-up for Christmas so it was either before or immediately after. Due to vacation leaves constraints it is also best to have ours during this time to maximize the company's holiday shutdown schedule. The availability of the Church (non-nego for sentimental reasons) pretty much dictated the exact date which comes the day after he asked for my hand in marriage. This was of course still an issue due to availability of extended family members but I figured we'd appreciate it if they can make adjustments for us. We'd make adjustments for immediate family members but due to my situation as well we'd want it within the said timeframe.

The caterer was also a no-brainer because the h2b has a preference already and I was pretty much ok with it as well. I've seen their work and their food are good as well as their styling.

The videographer we got for a good rate/discount because the photographers I had wanted were on the expensive side. (at least for the budget we set) He was also very responsive to my inquiries and h2b liked his videos as well. Coincidentally, he was the same videographer for a colleague back in 2013. I can still remember aerial shots were new at  that time and I liked his work also for the same Church.

The photographer, looks like we are getting somewhat a more expensive one which we didn't expect and could only dream of. We got a good discount and some freebie which got us excited considering his mark in the wedding industry so went ahead. I am having some apprehensions though because I am somewhat intimidated now of the glamour shots that I am seeing from his posts. I am not sure I want those. I think I like candid shots more and some special effects (bokehs, creative lighting) than glamour shots. I am not sure if this will become a fit for us in the end. :(

Those are the major ones for now. Of course, we've made good progress on some others but it has come to my attention that I also need to prioritize on the coordinator as the value for money ones look like they are already full or would not accept bookings on our wedding date. Now, this seems to be very critical because apparently from research and my perspective they are more than just directors or assistants running the show on the day but they will also be your decision makers, troubleshooters, managers, and even representatives. As the wedding date gets closer there are a lot of details to manage and having them ensures help for the legwork and to not miss on the small things because they've been doing it a long time.

It seems to me I want more from them than what the typical ones usually offer. I somehow feel that the budget ones will execute what you've thought of and not go beyond that. I want someone I can trust and will have an authority during the day. However, it seems that this will come at a price. Do we want to spend money on it, on something we cannot see or the level of details and coordination needed will not be necessary to avail of their expertise and service as we have a relatively simple one? Also, I have someone back home (namely the groom) who can manage or oversee things considering he is from the Marketing field and has been setting up events somewhat. I am scared I might stress him out though because of the things I want. It's interesting how my concept of the budget can change when I find someone that I like and it is through referrals based on our similarities in taste and criteria. I have managed to win him over and him being generous and understanding has given in to my struggles. And yet, deep down, even though I know I want to have them for our wedding and they will lighten the load and stress for me, I acknowledge that they are expensive. I know I have the ability to stretch my own budget to pay them out of my own pocket but I am hesitating knowing what the groom's thoughts and feelings are. He is aware of my struggle and he is asking me to compromise, to submit to him which I believe is part of our journey - of what will be our marriage. So even if he has given me the Go Signal to pursue this coordinator, I am having second thoughts, re-evaluating, checking for options.

And then, I came across a post which included this line:

"18.) Never base your love on monetary things. Will you still submit to him even if you earn more money than him?"

That hit the target I think. So I might have to let that coordinator go. I may have found another one which is still somewhat over budget but hopefully may be a good compromise for us. I will have to consult and hear his thoughts about it. Hopefully, this will all work out. There's so much I have to fix with all my attitude problems. I started this whole planning process on the wrong foot and I am only now backtracking, taking a step back, trying to keep an open mind, be less sensitive/emotional and aggressive/irritable about it when things don't go my away. I guess, I was a bridezilla in some ways.

Tiny Details

It's so easy to get lost in the tiny details of everything.
-tiny details in the wedding planning like working on other things
-tiny details in date schedules
-tiny details in setting expectations

Trouble is coupled with extreme emotions, the tiny minuscule details become magnified 100x or more. Such is my flaw but the last two weeks I was given reminders on the following:

1. Why do I dwell and get swallowed up on the doubts and fears rather than trusting and having faith in Him and the partner He has chosen for me? I should have a little more faith.

2. The tiny little things can be nothing and the big things can be the tiny little things especially since he has been that way for me ever since. I have my annoying, irritating traits and shortcomings as well that he's brushed off or accepted.

3. He's a fighter and I am thankful for every battle he fights with or for me.

***
Wedding planning has been an overwhelming task for me especially being sometimes a control freak. I'd like to see and experience the tiny details before I make decisions. When shopping, I bide my time such that my mom complains a lot. I would not even try on clothes and just skim through the racks until something eventually catches my attention. My mom's point, you never know unless you try. The other thing, once I see something I like, I'll get stuck with that idea and none of the others will quite compare to that.

I've finally managed to put up somewhat a checklist and organize our files a little bit. This dress shopping is stressing me out though and I'm getting a little bit tired of it, something I want to be done and over with as soon as possible. And yet, I can't seem to make a decision on the details of who, where, and what. Hopefully, the next couple of days will be more productive on this matter.

How to ask if someone is engaged

It's about 3 weeks or 20 days since a certain Jedi placed a little something on my left ring finger and though I have not worn rings for the longest time ever (I've never worn my college ring.), I am getting used to it. It's also been quite a journey to getting married and planning a wedding which I should probably try to document as well. 

The first couple of days since I came back to base, I think I was a little self-conscious about it such that sometimes it felt like I was bragging the ring and waving it into the air. Not that I'm not proud, sometimes, I'm really just a wallflower and just want to blend in or stay low-key. Besides I wasn't sure if it was still natural the gestures that I was making. Of course, it can't be helped and the rock became the center of attention. 

Besides, my boss who I directly made the announcement, the rest of my colleagues who noticed had different ways of asking. Obvious ones were:

"Did you get engaged?"

To

"What is that on your finger?" To which I smilingly replied, "It's a ring." :)

The most interesting one was:

"miss joyce, I notice that you have a new hardware on your finger." There was nothing else to say on this one but to say "I got engaged over the holidays!" Talk about being in the (pre-dominantly male) engineering industry. :)

Thank you for putting a ring on it or should I say a new hardware, Mr. P.

Stay Open

Once upon a time a drama queen decided to make drastic moves with her career because of golden opportunities. Deep down, she was longing for companionship but would not let it stop her from living and experiencing what life or her career has to offer. 

But then He had other plans and someone came along that made her heart beat, excite her senses and take a leap. And so the story began. And things just fell into place just as He had planned, in His time. 

With His grace it will be a journey of a lifetime. No one expected it, no one anticipated but things happen for a reason.

And as they say, "stay open. Who knows lightning could strike." And it did.

She is thankful to the Lord for His wonderful gift, for having a jedi to share a lifetime with, for giving her a good and honorable man, for having a responsible, patient, understanding, loving man with a high EQ not just love her but balance her. She is happy and in love. She can't wait to be with this man and take that journey of a lifetime as Mrs. P.

La la la love

***because I'm just a sentimental drama queen

My dearest Jed,

As I write this you are sleeping on another side of the world. I just wanted to freeze this memory, this feeling, this thought. We have just watched a movie earlier and the day before that. I was bitchy and we've misunderstood each other. You've spent time with me.

For some reason, I'm very emotional this last couple of days. Yes, I do have my mood swings but you've been very patient and for that I am very grateful. It's a never ending learning experience but I'm glad I'm doing it with you.

I remember a time when I was thirsty and hungry for those 'kilig' moments and for that I may have overlooked the little things but those little things may be the ones that actually matter. I'll probably want and look for those from time to time - being the sentimental romantic that I am and also because I'm just like any other girl. Hopefully, it will not consume me.   (Subtle hint in that statement though)

You also once said that you have to hold back and be creative to set the expectations right. I do agree with you on that. But maybe that should not keep us from seizing the moment and expressing ourselves. While we look to a lifetime of adventure, who are we to say how long this will last. It's so easy to get caught up and lost in the daily grind and future planning when everyday in itself is a blessing. I am guilty of this myself. So here I am writing you this letter. What(ever) I think of doing, I will not hold back too much just to save it for another day - for special days. Everyday is special - if I forget that, remind me please. And for those really special days - we probably know this by now, somehow, some-way, we always think of something, we always outdo ourselves and even if we don't then we go back to page 1, the little things.

I love and miss you so much Jed. It's been a journey - being in this LDR with you. What a ride! While I still may end being paranoid and 'taray' at times, if we have that mutual respect, care and love  then we can pull through. I am honestly scared knowing my mood swings but I believe it will be fine because it's the two of us and together we can do this - with God's help. He's been with us through it all.

I love you and I'll see you soon!

Yours,

Joyce

relationship 101

if there's such a course I would have probably flunked it already. I don't know when I will get it right or have it figured out but sometimes I just don't feel I'm cut out for this. I'm too bipolar that I can't find the middle ground or maybe that's just what I need someone who will balance and take that journey with me of getting to that middle ground.

It's funny how when I start to believe, when I start to think and pray that I have found someone- the one, when I start to trust, when I start to bare my soul, when I yield control and guard for some reason, I don't stay in that stage that too long and I find myself crawling back into my shell. Maybe this is hinting me at some thing. "I need to be with myself and center..."

Can I really do this? To what extent?

this quote ran through my mind once more which I found over the internet space, so credit to the person who came up with this:

"On what expense does a man bare his soul to woman he does not intend to keep?
And on what expense does a man keep a woman he does not intend to bare his soul with?"

That discussion about third parties, cheating, mistresses, failed relationships, expectations has got me thinking. Maybe if I have this much doubt or fear and if I can't let go, release control, bare my soul without cowering back to the shell, then maybe I'm not meant for this or maybe it's not for me or I haven't really found the one. Being bipolar and going through this sine wave of emotions sucks. I really just want to be still sometimes.

Dear Lord, you know deep down what's in my heart but you also know what's best for us. What we yearn for may that be in alignment to Your will and plan. Please continue to guide, protect us, and keep us in your love and make us strong to fight against temptation and evil. Please forgive us from our shortcomings. And may I learn to relinquish control and entrust myself to you and to what you have chosen, your plans and your will. Amen. 

Comfort zones

They said "great things never came from comfort zones" and that "nothing worth having comes easy". In this crazy lonely leaping out of the comfort zone adventure/solitude it's hard to see the light, the silver lining. Past experiences have taught me to be more optimistic and keep on looking out for the silver lining. But that reserve has been getting drained and I've been struggling, just barely surviving as I hit the 5th month. I'm slowly adjusting, steadily but with no support group it's tough. At least back home, I had my family with me. In Korea, I found another family, here I have none. Sometimes I can't help but wonder with all the buckets of tears why I'm here, why do I have to subject myself to such challenge, pain, heartaches. I don't have the answer and I'm still searching for it but I hope the relationship that I'm trying to fight for is in alignment with His answer and plan. There's always a reason for everything, and everyday is a blessing. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I wouldn't be here if not for Him, His Love, his instruments-family, S.O., friends that's cheering me on.. It's just really hard sometimes and it just doesn't make sense. It's sometimes just so tempting to give up, to take the easy way out... 

It's a daily battle but sometimes, you just have to get up, and live the gift of a brand new day...

Stay or Leave?

They say if you love someone you have to let them go

Or you'll do whatever it takes to make them stay...

Where do you draw the line?

"Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did"

Sinong mag-aakala?

Sinong mag-aakala na magiging tayo?

Sinong mag-aakala na may isang kagaya mo na darating sa buhay ko at mamahalin ako ng ganito?

Sinong mag-aakala na ikaw ang makakapagtibok ng puso kong akala ko'y namanhid na?

Sinong mag-aakala na sayo ako'y mahuhulog at lulundag?

Sinong mag-aakala na tatangkain ko ang relasyon na ito na dagat ang pagitan?

Sinong mag-aakala na may naitatago akong pagkamalambing?

Sinong mag-aakala na tatagal tayo ng ganito, na ngayon ay maglilimang buwan na? Maikli man ngunit bawat panahon ay ninamnam at ipinapagpasalamat.

Sinong mag-aakala?

Walang may akala ngunit ang mahalaga ay andito tayo ngayon at nagmamahalan. Nawa'y malampasan natin ang mga pagsubok nang lalong tumibay ang ating pagsasamahan. At walang mag-aakala na tayong dalawa ay para sa isa't isa pala.

Relocation diaries: Entry 6 - Can officially drive

It's not that I've been driving without a valid license but it was more of having a local one which is more appropriate.

Everyone would keep on saying that if I drove in Manila I'd be driving here without a problem. Well, the thing is, here there are rules and we follow them. For the most part driving practices in manila are usually on gray areas and the horn is a very useful driving tool to get you from point A to B in the shortest possible time, that is some 1 hr if you're lucky for something as short as say 10km. Multiply that 2x, 3x or xx fold if a) it starts raining, b)drivers get into accidents (but of course!!), c) if it starts flooding, d)traffic enforcers decide to earn extra. 

So yeah, I've been driving more than 10 years in these conditions. I've tried driving on the other side of the road and thAt was quite interesting. Driving where I'm at is not new but it's been quite a while so I've had some near-misses and I'm just thankful I was lucky (and my guardian angel's been great!). But I haven't been involved in any major accidents of some sort. 

When it came to getting my local licebse though I had to:

-review and take online practice tests

-practice parallel parking/driving.

I was able to pass the written test and the parallel parking but I eventually failed my road test. Because I was doing wide turns, I was slowing down too much while turning and was doing a 35 on a 30 mile road. That was my first official driving test and boy it was technically detailed. Unfortunately, I failed and most of the remarks on my driving were Bad.

That became the trigger of my emotional breakdown. It came to a point that I was utterly demoralized that all the 10+ yrs I've been driving meant I've been doing everything wrong, that I was a lousy driver. I then came to realize why there are a lot of cases of depression here, I could end up one myself. It really sucked. It took many tears, wailing and rants after before I was able to suck it up and move on to getting it right the second time. Manila-style (gangsta style) driving had to take a backseat for now. Sure enough I did pass. Finally! 

Still I hope I can still drive back home. Home is where the heart is.

Relocation Diaries: Entry 5 - LDR, (repost)

Major hugot.

[repost]
"LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP"
Para lang 'to sa taong matatapang.
Yung tipong sobra ka ng nahihirapan at nasasaktan, pero patuloy ka paring lumalaban at walang sawang naghihintay kahit gaano man ito katagal hanggang sa muli niyong pagkikita. Yung bang halos mabaliw ka na sa sobrang pagkamiss, yung tipong gusto mo siyang lambingin pero di mo magawa kaya iiyak ka na lang at pilit mong kinakaya. Sobrang hirap man, di ka pa rin bumibitaw kasi mas di mo kakayanin kapag tuluyan na siyang mawala sayo. At sa kabila ng lahat, pinipilit mo paring maging matatag. Ganun talaga. Mahal mo kasi, mahal na mahal mo.
Para din ito sa taong marunong makuntento.
Na kahit marami kang pwedeng makitang "mas" pa sa kanya, hindi mo parin siya lolokohin. Na kahit pwede mo din siyang iwan o ipagpalit sa iba dahil sa milyang distansya niyo, hindi mo pa rin ginagawa dahil alam mo ang salitang kuntento. Yung bang marinig mo lang yung boses niya sa phone o di kaya’y makita mo lang siya sa webcam, masaya ka na. Nabubuo na ang araw mo basta’t nakakausap mo lang siya. Yung natitiis mong walang physical contact, walang yakap o halik basta’t naipaparamdam niya parin sa puso mo yung pagmamahal niya sayo, sapat na yun. Ganun talaga. Mahal mo kasi, mahal na mahal.
Tiwala talaga ang kailangan sa isang long distance relationship. Dahil sa tiwala pa lang na maibibigay mo sa kabila ng sobrang layo ng agwat ng distansya niyo, maipaparamdam mo na kung gaano mo siya kamahal. At dapat meron ka ring nakalaang oras sa kanya araw-araw. Oo, araw-araw, dahil sa malayo ka sa piling niya kaya kelangan mong iparamdam na nandyan ka pa rin at gusto mong maging parte ng araw niya. Siguro sa sitwasyong ganito, pwede mong sobrahan ang pagmamahal mo. Para siguradong aabot ito sa kanya lalo na’t kung dagat ang pagitan ninyo.
Tiis tiis lang. Sabi nga nila, "Good things happen to those who wait".
[repost]

Tears of love

Beneath the sometimes snobbish or complacent exterior lies a softie. The softie who sheds tears when she's hurt, extremely angry, in pain or less often overjoyed.

Today, she shed tears of love, of that overwhelming feeling of loving someone and of being loved, of that attachment, of need, of longing, of gratitude, of hope, of optimism, of being touched deeply as far as her soul and not just her heart.

If there is a someone for everyone, maybe my someone has arrived. Thank You Lord. You do make things beautiful in your time.

These are tears I wouldn't mind shedding, they're definitely not a waste. Now, I wish I can touch his soul the way he touched mine. How do I even top that?